Rotten World

Chapter Seventeen

You'd think that I'd be used to having nightmares by now but it seems that with every new one it's worst than the last and it scares me to my very core. This one, in particular, I'll never forget.

I seem to be standing in what only looks to be a field of wildflowers, I'd say it was beautiful if it wasn't on fire and the sky was raining ash. The clouds darken and cover the sun blocking out the sunlight. The only visible thing is the blue, orange and red flames that have consumed the once peaceful field. My lungs close up and I cough and choke on the stuffy and stale air.

I feel like I'm suffocating and tears roll down my cheeks at the burning sensation going down my throat every time I try to breathe. I hurriedly look around for a break in the smoke and ash but all I'm met with is moving shadows and a growing wall of smog. The shadows are big and seem to mix with the smoke as they moment towards where I stand.

I start to panic as I realize I'm completely surrounded by shadows that only seem to grow in number. More tears fall as I'm hit with the realization that I'm no longer breathing, there's no more air around me, and the fire has stopped with the smog and ash taking its place. I try to scream for help but no sound comes out and I'm met with the feeling of my throat being ripped apart.

I drop to my knees in pain as I hold my throat, by the time I look back but the shadows have reached me and are now gathered around me. They seem to be whispering something but I can't make out what, then all of a sudden the whispers stop and all at once they reach and lunge at me. I raise my arms over my head waiting for the impact of all the shadows but it never comes.

Instead, gentle rough hands tug at my arms urging me to lower them from their place around my head. " Hey Reagan, it's ok, it's just me" the soft whisper of roman voice reaches my ears and I relax and lower my arms and open my eyes. It's still dark outside and the only light is the glow of the moon flowing in from the nearby window.

" You ok?" I just nod and sit up, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my chin on them. I look down avoiding Romans eyes. I hate it when I wake people up, I don't like being the one who needs people to calm her down after a nightmare. It makes me feel like a child. "I'm fine" roman just huffs and shakes his head "I know your not, don't lie to me, Reagan."

Ok, so I wasn't fine but out here even if you're not you have to lean to fake it. There's no time for weak moments, if yesterday taught me anything it was that.

I let out a sigh and finally meet Romans' waiting eyes, he looks tired. " Ok so I am lying but what difference does it make? What does it even matter if I'm ok or not? It's all the same out here." Roman closes his eyes and rubs a hand down his face before saying " you may have a point Reagan but it matters to me if your ok or not, you've lost so much and yesterday must have done something to you because you are not fine and I saw the nightmare to prove it. You are suffocating here, please just tell me what I can do to help"

How are you supposed to ask someone for help when you are not even sure what you need help with? I'm sure the answer is in me somewhere but I'm just so fucking tired that I don't even know where to look. As if reading my mind roman turns towards me and places his forehead on mine and whispers " just talk to me, you may feel like you need to box all this up but you don't I'm here for you. No matter what. Just please talk to me"

I nod and take a moment to think of a place to start, after finding what I can only imagine to be the best place to start I take a deep breath and say " I'm just so fucking tired, of everything. Of running and crying and fighting. I'm tired of losing people and losing hope in the idea of finding a permanent home. All I want to do is be able to sleep through the night without being woken up by a nightmare that makes my blood boil, and I hate that I wake you up in the process. I don't want to be the reason for your sleepless nights. I just wish all this would stop or at least slow down, I feel like I'm on a non-ending free fall. I'm just so tired that my head feels like it's gonna explode."