The Light to his Darkness (Mafia Romance) {18+}

Chapter 13- Coping

Lauren's POV
**Next morning **
       Waking up to nightmares everyday was mentally exhausting. It was always the same one - Variations of my parents dying in front of my eyes . In psychology, you learn something called Life and Death drives . Things that would be considered a death drive was anything concerning self-destruction, dangerous activity and aggression in various forms -essentially, doing things that make you feel like shìt. Life drive was pretty much the opposite and though i tried to live my life in a life drive now , it isn't always so easy .

            When i was a teenager, i was mad at god , at happy people , at the world . So much so , that all i knew was my death drive . I wasn't suicidal but i found no legitimate reason to live so i allowed my anger to speak for me . Every year around the anniversary of my parent's death, i would get into pointless fights with people who so much as breathed at me the wrong way . Thankfully it didn't go on my record, but it took me a long time to change .

       Moving on from the stage of pure resentment, i moved into a heavy stage of depression. I would spend a week laying in bed , stuffing my face and binge watching tv . Sometimes i wouldn't get up for days -not even to shower and would sleep in my fathers sweater until i could close my eyes and smell cinnamon again. After a while , i decided to at least attempt to allow my life drive to flourish and at the end of October,  i would go out and party/Drink and smoke all of my sadness away.

        Now let me be perfectly clear , NONE of these coping mechanisms are healthy and they ALL followed under the umbrella of death drives . None of these stages- from anger to sadness to blissful ignorance actually helped me come to terms with the fact that i would never see my parents again .

This year for some reason was going to be different - i was sure of it . I stopped having nightmares when i was 16 after years of Hypnotic therapy and the fact that i was having them again set another precedent. One i wasn't sure i was ready to face .

            It had been 18 years since that night and the few weeks of hell after and i had no idea how my body will react next week on my dad's anniversary.

"I think we should make a plan for this particular day , the 28th, that would honor your father but allow your pain to be heard ." Dr.Rose has been with me long enough to know that it's very unlikely that i'm going to wake up and want to go jogging or some bullshit like that .

"like what ?" i say dryly , at this point i've given up . Nothing works for me .
"Well for starters , i think you should ask someone to stay with you, so you aren't tempted to live in your death drive the whole day"
who though ?

"Aniyah works that day and i don't know Axel well enough to be that vulnerable around him"
"it's up to you but i strongly encourage you to think about it . In the meantime i think i know what might help you find some closure -" she looks at me sensing my apprehension yet continues

"Before i tell you, let me ask you this- did your father have any plans for your 9th birthday. A party? , ice cream ? , Games ?"

Of course he did , and i'll never forget. Tears stung my eyes as the memories come crashing in.
"We were sup-supposed to go to the beach and drink hot chocolate. All three of us ." i say stuttering my words a bit.

"That's perfect! On the 27th ,the night before , i want you to write a letter to both of your parents . Tell them everything you wish you could say, tell them how you've grown and what you want for the future. Tell them that you forgive them for not being there . Write until you have no more words to say . And on the next day , i want you to go to the beach -preferably with someone but if not that's fine- and i want you to drink hot chocolate. Give yourself some much needed closure -" she stops and asses my reaction.