Tangerine ~ Bullet Train

22 - "I don't want to be a liability to you"

The second she closed the door, Yuina felt cramped. It felt like her lungs were being squeezed very hard, her throat feeling pushed too tightly closed, not able to let through new air at all. Yet she forced the air going in and out of her body whilst grasping to the sink.

Maybe it felt like she was alone in here, shielded off from the outer world, but she knew better. There was this large boss of the criminal underworld looking for them any minute now, not stopping until he would find them. She already experienced a knife to her throat, and that made her almost collapse. What would become of her when she would be tortured by this White Death?

She didn't want to be so weak, yet here she was; clinging to the sink in a random motel bathroom. Yuina looked at herself in the mirror and didn't recognise who she was. She didn't quite know if she thought of it as a bad thing. She never liked the way she had lived, but she didn't know if she liked being chased after by this criminal. The only thing she did know she liked, was these men being around her. Especially Tangerine. She had to stay strong and not collapse, because what would he want to do with her anymore if she did? Yet she couldn't bring herself to be steady this instant. Luckily she didn't have to; she was alone for now.

Yuina looked at herself bringing her hand upwards, going near the small cuts Sweater had made on her. They still stung a little, but she didn't really mind. She slowly felt like it all didn't matter as much as it did back then. The two dead bodies she had seen, the knife to her throat. She still thought back at it in distress, but she found out that her being cramped was caused by a different reason; the same thing that got a hold on her back in the train.

What if Yuina didn't mind being dragged into this? What if she didn't mind feeling this change in her? The way she felt when Tangerine and Lemon stated that they were a team was never there before. She still remembered the sudden strength appearing in her body, as if she wasn't helpless anymore. How strange it may sound, her being with them helped her living. Not just literally, but also emotionally and spiritually. She felt more connected whilst walking on this earth than she had ever done before, and that was because of the two men that are currently in the other room. What if Yuina wanted to stay like this? What if she didn't think of it as depraved? It made her feel scared that she didn't loathe this change.

She looked away from herself and started stripping down her clothes. She grabbed her things and turned on the shower. At first she looked at her feet and saw a little bit of old blood streaming over the floor, but very soon there was no more coming; Sweater didn't make her bleed very much. Yuina concentrated on washing her hair and every inch of her body, cleaning herself up again. When she turned the water off, got dry and put on some fresh clothes, she felt a whole lot better. The cramped feeling got loosen up and she could now see a different expression in her eyes.

She started to look at this event as an adventure. Surely she was still afraid of the mafia hunting them down, but it also made her feel more alive; something she missed feeling the last few years. Now she could see it more than ever; the flame in her eyes was shining bright. She had not yet gotten rid of the danger, but it also made her feel strong and important that someone as big of a deal as this White Death would be busy hunting them down.

Yuina grabbed her dirty clothes and took them with her to the next room, where Tangerine and Lemon were sitting at the table. She folded the clothes and put them in the dirty section in her suitcase before looking up at her companions, who were looking at her carefully, trying to estimate her feelings. They were surprised about her looking much better than just now. She herself didn't know how it was possible that she felt better; she just did. Maybe it was the shower.

Now that she was clean and felt less afraid, Yuina really felt her body being at its limit. She managed to walk to one of the beds steadily though and dropped herself on it, stretched out. 'I will give this bed five stars,' she said, sighing relieved by the fact that she could finally rest a little. 'I'm curious if you'll say so when I ask you again in a few hours,' Lemon said. 'Probably not,' Yuina said, shrugging. She found the corners of her mouth curling slightly upwards. Why did she not want to cry or freak out? The Twins seemed to think about that, too.

Without saying anything Tangerine stood up and wanted to enter the bathroom, but Yuina thought about something. 'I don't know if they will fit, but I have some baggy sports trousers. If you want, you can both try them on. We can wash your clothes in the sink and let them dry.' Tangerine nodded at her; it was much better to put on some clean clothes. Yuina felt the sudden strength to get up return and reached into the clean section of her suitcase, taking out some things.

'They won't fit me,' Lemon said whilst slapping his thighs lightly. 'Too fat for it.' Tangerine took some things Yuina handed to him, carefully looking at her. She still didn't look at him resentful. That gave him the courage to leave her here and enter the bathroom. Not long after Yuina and Lemon could hear the water running.

'You don't look like this was your first time being with criminals,' Lemon stated whilst looking at Yuina inquiringly. 'We expected you to be a little more... shaken up.' Yuina shrugged and sat back on the bed. 'You know the first thing I did when I left you in that last wagon, after seeing that man? I managed to get through a few wagons before reaching a bathroom and emptying my stomach.' Lemon curled the corners of his mouth slightly upwards, yet he remained serious. 'You had a knife to your throat, but now you don't really seem shocked by it anymore.'

Yuina reached her hand to the small cuts again, shrugging. 'It all wasn't very pleasant and I'm glad it's over, but I don't want to be weak. I don't want you guys to think I'm a wimp.'

'We would never think that,' Lemon replied. Yuina couldn't believe it to be true. 'You were being dragged into some criminal mission for the first time in your life, with all kinds of psychopaths surrounding you, your life being in danger. You saw two dead bodies, was being held with a knife against your throat and are being hunted down by this mafia boss. It's very logical to be shaken by it. We also are.'

'I don't want to be a liability to you,' Yuina replied. 'I don't want you to be concerned with holding me together. I don't want you to think of me as some weak girl.' Lemon laughed indignantly. 'You already proved you're not. We won't think you're weak for being human and being scared. You know that T and I were doing much worse than you after our first job?' It felt a bit more comforting to Yuina to hear him saying that he didn't think of her as weak. Did Tangerine really thought so, too? She had to ask, since Lemon knew his brother best.

'If Tangerine doesn't think so,' she started, 'then why does he avoid me?' Lemon curled the corners of his mouth slightly upwards. 'Seems like he's not the only one not using his eyes,' he mumbled to himself. 'What?' Yuina asked. 'I think you have to talk to each other,' he replied. 'Be honest with each other.'

'This is all so bizarre,' Yuina sighed. 'Who would've thought that me meeting someone on a train would set off such a series of events.' Lemon didn't say anything. 'So,' she continued, 'what would be the plan now? Go in hiding? Try to flee the country?'

'You must've seen quite a few movies.' Yuina didn't react to his joke. 'I honestly don't know what to do best,' Lemon replied seriously, 'but we're all very tired. There's no way we will come up with a plan without at least a few hours of sleep.'

'Couldn't that delay cause us to be too late to flee?' Yuina asked, to which Lemon nodded. 'It could, but maybe not. That's the thing that makes it so thrilling; you never know whether you made the right choice until it plays out right in front of you.'

'Guess so,' Yuina replied, not knowing what to say next. Lemon didn't seem to know either, so they just stayed quiet whilst the water in the other room stopped flowing. Yuina stretched herself out over the bed once again and started looking at the ceiling. What would her mother be doing right now? She was probably trying to make up a story for her father's boss so they wouldn't lose face with him. Because that was all she cared about. How about the group of people she hung out with for years? She was sure they wouldn't miss her, as she felt exactly the same. The only thing Yuina was worried about, was her aunt's family. She hoped they would stay safe.