Tangerine ~ Bullet Train

29 - "Yes, I am."

With his heart pounding like crazy, nerves running through his veins, Tangerine held his phone close to his ear. Each second it wasn't being answered made him even more nervous. Should he hang up again? Should he hold on and keep waiting? What if she didn't want to pick up? What if their time being apart from each other made her realise she had been in some kind of mad trip, finally broken loose of it now?

'Hi,' Yuina answered in a sweet voice, destroying all Tangerine's doubts and insecurities immediately. 'Hi...' he replied, overwhelmed by the effect her voice had on his body. There was a silence in which Tangerine didn't know how to proceed. Yet he was the one that was calling, so he felt like he had to say something. 'Eh, how are you doing?' he asked, making a weird face whilst almost slapping his hand to his forehead. What a dumb start of a conversation.

'I was just walking around the lake,' Yuina replied. Her voice sounded peaceful. 'It's calming being here.' He knew of what lake she spoke, having been there himself a lot for his long sessions of thinking about everything. 'How are you?' she asked. He wanted to reply politely, but he also wanted to be honest with her.

The truth was that he was hurting missing her. Them agreeing not to meet each other for two weeks weighed heavily on him, yet he knew it was needed. They both wanted to work on some things themselves, but Tangerine couldn't help but feel restless when she wasn't near. He constantly worried about her coming to her senses and breaking off contact with him. In the past few days he was getting more and more at peace with himself, almost appreciating who he was even, but it was still difficult not seeing or speaking to Yuina.

'I'm not sure,' he replied honestly. 'I just feel so weird the last couple of days. It's hard to wrap my head around it.'

'What are you thinking about lately?' she asked genuinely interested. It sounded like she was doing a whole lot better herself. Tangerine didn't want to worry her or drag her in his pesky thoughts. 'Never mind,' he sighed, 'I'm sorry to bring it up.' Speaking to Yuina after two weeks felt better and worse at the same time; he had missed her voice, but it made him feel even more lonely.

Yuina didn't know whether she should let it go or keep holding on; she didn't know him well enough to decide what to do. That's why they agreed to keep some distance and time apart; so they could sort everything out in their own lives, to begin again fresh, ready to really get to know each other without the weirdness of what happened. But at this moment they both realised that there was no such thing. They would never forget what had happened; that just wasn't possible. They would never get to start over fresh, but Yuina didn't mind. She just wanted to start again.

'My birthday is coming up,' she started. She stared at the peaceful lake, trying to gather the courage to ask him to come. 'Oh, right,' Tangerine replied. 'Are you going to celebrate it?'

'Not really,' Yuina said, 'we're just going to have a nice diner at home. Aya will be cooking my favourite dishes and we will be playing some party games.'

'That sounds like you're going to have a good time.'

'Yeah, I'm sure of it.'

In the silence that followed Yuina wanted to ask him to come so badly, but she was afraid he would turn it down. It sounded like he wasn't finished sorting things out and she didn't want to push him. Tangerine wanted to see her again, but he wasn't ready to spend the whole evening at her current place with her aunt's family. He didn't know what she had told them, or if she even did mention him once. Yet he didn't want to let it go. She could turn him down and that would hurt him, but it was better to have an answer than to keep guessing, never knowing how it would've turned out.

'Yuina, I...' Tangerine began. He was looking for words, yet he couldn't come up with them, so he just said what was on his mind. 'I'm doing better, but I know I'm not yet where I want to be. It may take some time, and maybe I'll never get there, but... I would slap myself in the fucking face if I wouldn't have tried, so... I was wondering... If you maybe...' He was stammering. Luckily she couldn't see his face, it being all red with shame. Stealing from or harming important people? That seemed no problem for him in the past. Asking out a girl he really, really valued? That was a mission impossible. 'If you're not up for it you can of course say so, but I would like to see you again. I wanted to ask you if I may take you out for diner, or something...'

Silence didn't do Tangerine very well. The longer she didn't say anything, the worse he got. He felt himself sweating like crazy, unable to keep his breathing under control. What if the person he wanted to be with would tell him that she didn't want to anymore? What if she would never look at him again with her eyes full of wonder? He almost couldn't take the silence anymore.

Yuina did her outmost to stop smiling like a lunatic. She wanted to reply in a normal voice, yet she knew she wouldn't be able to. It was just one word, but that was enough to stop Tangerine from freaking out. 'Yes,' she said. Her voice was full of joy, as if she was looking forward to it very much. That's because she was. She couldn't take this distance between them anymore. 'I would love to,' she added.

'Really?' he asked relieved. 'Yes, silly!' she laughed. 'Really.' Tangerine was smiling automatically. He felt the muscles in his cheeks and jaw cramping up, not used to this kind of movement anymore. That was what she brought out in him; joy. 'Phew,' he said relieved. 'I almost couldn't take it anymore.' Yuina started laughing. 'I'm sorry,' she replied, 'I was just trying to stay calm.'

Talking to him, although their conversation was stiff and slightly awkward, felt like the missing link she was searching for in the last couple of days. Yuina was doing so much better now, being at peace with herself, but she still felt like something was missing. Someone. She knew it still was him, and she was glad that he seemed to think so, too.

'How is Lemon?' Yuina asked whilst continuing her walk. 'He's also going through some identity crisis,' Tangerine mumbled, 'but he's doing well, I guess. Started to watch every fucking episode of Thomas again. I couldn't fucking take it anymore, so I got my own place just two days ago.' Yuina felt herself giggling, which made Tangerine's situation not even so bad anymore. He would do anything to hear her laughing like that. 'You guys should come over sometime, so Riku and Lemon can watch it together,' Yuina said jokingly.

Tangerine knew she was just joking, but he couldn't help but feel warm inside. Her implying that they would be welcome at her aunt's place, meeting them, meant a great deal to him. He was beginning to feel like he was worthy of meeting someone's family and staying by someone's side; her side.

'Are you free this Friday?' Tangerine asked. 'To watch Thomas, or to go on our date?' Yuina replied, smiling. It felt so good to hear her say it was a date. 'Our date,' he said, joyful and proud. 'Yes, I am,' she replied with the same intonation.