13 Reasons Why

Cassette 01

JISOO

"Let's get started, shall we? Reason number one. This was what started it all. Well actually, this was who started it all. And that person is..."

I knew my name was on the last cassette tape, but I hadn't looked much at the other tapes so I couldn't help myself squeezing my eyes shut forcing out the words, "Don't be me. Don't be me. Don't be me."

"Kim Jongin."

I sighed with relief but focused on the fact that Kim Jongin, the high school sweetheart, was the number one reason for Jennie's suicide. I always pictured him as such a kindhearted, innocent person.

"You probably just know him as the sweet, popular, pretty boy, but trust me, he's much more than that."

I paused the tape, took a deep breath, and prepared myself, again. This was probably a horrific story, and for a couple of moments I even considered not listening to them, but I had to.

I needed to know how people - how I - apparently made her life horrible. I had a hard time trying to find the moment where I did something bad towards her, though. I had always just been longing after her like she was some celebrity. Well, maybe that was the reason.

I started the tape again, not at all ready for what was to come.

"As some of you may know, I'm gay."

My eyes widened and my eyebrows rose at that.

I did hear rumors around the school that she was a 'lesbian' as they called her, but I never knew whether it was true or not.

"Until a couple of weeks ago the only people who knew were my family and me - which in itself was worse enough because of my dad, but I'll come back to that - but because of a certain someone, named Jongin, the whole school knows now as well."

I was already getting mad at Jongin, and I hoped for his own sake that I won't see him around the school on Monday. I hoped he was feeling guilty about what he did, though I didn't even know that yet.

Maybe it wasn't that bad, I tried to convince myself.

"It's not that I'm ashamed of it per se, I would just have liked to come out myself, not the whole school finding out from some handsome, mean boy having a boring day."

That made me think; why hadn't I been bullied as much because of my sexuality? The whole school knew, but it was only the reason for bullying me a maximum of two times. So why was it such a big deal with Jennie?

"Let's get started with the actual story. It all started on a normal day in high school. I minded my own business when suddenly Jongin, and his little minion crew, came up to me. I asked him what he wanted, to which he smiled and said - and I quote - "Hey Jen, I was wondering if you wanted to do something after school? We could do homework?"

I must say, she nailed Jongin's voice.

"Since I was behind on homework I thought, might as well get some help with it, so I said yes. Later that day, when school was over, Jongin and I walked home. I remember thinking he was so sweet and a person I wanted to befriend. Little did I know what was to happen next.

"So we went to my house and Jongin suggested we should sit in my room instead of in the kitchen so that's what we did. I was sitting on my bed, finding my books and laptop when Jongin suddenly crawled on top of me, pinning me down against the bedsheets, and that's when I realized, he wanted sex.

"I tried asking him what he was doing, pushing him away a little, but he wouldn't budge. He began undoing my pants, and I panicked not knowing what to do. I didn't want to have sex with him. Not only was I gay, but I was also a virgin. So I tried telling him I didn't want to do that, that I wasn't in the mood. Every excuse I could come up with, but he kept forcing himself on me. Until finally I yelled, "I'm gay", that shut him up."

At this point, I could practically imagine the whole thing and winced at the thought. I heard Jennie breathing deeply, and it hit me.

She was crying.

I felt so bad for her. I wanted nothing more than to wrap her up in my arms and hug her tightly saying everything would be okay. But I couldn't.

"He immediately jumped back and started calling me names like disgrace and gross. And he just confirmed everything I had been scared of coming out. Before I knew it he was running out of my house, and let's not forget, ruining a costly vase on his way. But I thought to myself, it'll be okay, it's just Jongin, it'll pass. What I didn't expect was that the next day the whole school would know."

That son of a bitch, Jongin!

"So when I walked onto school property the next morning, having hoped to just put that whole episode behind me, everybody was staring at me like I was the grossest human being they had ever laid their eyes upon. I felt misplaced and unwelcome, to say the least."

I remembered this. It was the day I heard Jennie crying in the bathroom after that she ran out and skipped school for the rest of the day. I felt bad for her then, but now that I knew the story behind it I understood and felt so much compassion.

"But remember, this is just tape one, it gets so much worse."

Oh, God. How could it even get much worse than that?

I heard a click indicating that the tape was done and instantly took it out replacing it with the next in the line.

I exhaled heavily.

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Well, that's sad.