13 Reasons Why

Cassette 11

JISOO

"Kim Jennie. My biggest enemy of them all."

Correct me if I was wrong, but she was Kim Jennie. So she dedicated a tape to herself to tell how much she hated herself? That's cruel, and I didn't want to hear it, but it was not like I had a choice. I was too anxious to hear my tape after I had to go through these last two.

"I've first recently started to feel like this, to have this hatred towards myself. I used to be rather confident, but you know, when you constantly get picked on and bullied and discriminated against it becomes a habit, a routine. At first, I blocked out all the bad words like fat, ugly, gross etcetera, but as they kept coming and being repeated time and time again, I started understanding them.

"I thought if they keep saying them to me it must mean that they mean them, that they're telling the truth. So, then I started viewing myself from different perspectives, seeing myself from other points of view. I started overthinking every move I made, constantly doubting my actions, opinions, and myself in general.

"And then I started to get it. I understood why they said all those things to me. I realized that I was just as awful as they described me to be. It didn't matter what anyone else would say at that point because I disgusted myself. That couldn't be changed whatsoever. I was an awful human being."

What? No. That couldn't- how could she think of herself like that? Just because some morons with no life told you something stupid didn't mean they were right. I just wanted to scream at every person who had ever done anything mean to her face. They tortured her. Not only physically but mentally. They messed with her brain and the way she saw himself. That was just straight-up cruel.

"I was judging myself just as much as everyone else was. I was telling myself that everything I did was wrong and that I was useless. I constantly had these voices swimming around in my head saying I should just end it and kill myself. That I wasn't worth anything and no one would miss me. That it would be a relief and I would get away from the hell that was my life. I wanted to escape myself more than anything. I didn't want to be me.

"So, then I started thinking. Contemplating. Maybe the voices were right. Maybe it all would be easier if I just ended it."

I didn't know why I was sitting here hoping she changed her mind or something, because I knew she was dead. There was no chance she was alive so I shouldn't get my hopes up like this.

It was like a movie, no matter how dark things get, you know the main character is gonna be alright. They were gonna save the day and live happily ever after like always.

Except, in this case, it was the reverse. Her life is gonna end badly, her story was getting a sad ending, no matter what I said or did. It couldn't be changed. She was already dead.

"Then I started googling. What was the best, easiest, and least messy way to kill yourself? I wanted to do it quickly in a way that wouldn't hurt too much and without making a big mess for my poor mom to clean up afterward. I planned and I planned. I wanted to go through with this, but I still had a couple of strings pulling me back to life. Some things I couldn't let go of. Those however were broken - you'll hear about that in the next tape.

"I came to a conclusion of three possible ways at last; hanging myself, drowning myself, or taking deadly pills. Since the pills were the only ones I could do wherever I wanted, I chose that solution. But this tape isn't about the end itself, we'll come to that. I haven't killed myself as I'm recording, as you've hopefully figured, but it will happen very soon, and it has happened when you're listening to this.

"So, I don't know completely who this is directed towards other than myself, but I felt like it was an important part of the story."

Another one was done. One more left and then it was mine. I couldn't figure out if I dreaded hearing it or not. I had no idea whatsoever what she could say about it. I hadn't done anything in the world intending to hurt her, so that was gonna be interesting.

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