13 Reasons Why

Cassette 10

JISOO

"My mother was my hero. The one person I could always count on. The one person who was there for me through bad times. She was my lifeline 'till the very last end."

I never personally met her mother, but I remembered thinking she was stunning. She must have been to have given birth to the wonder that is Kim Jennie. The same with Jennie's sisters. Each one of them was so beautiful and all looked a little like Jennie. The family - well, except for Troy - amazed me. I hoped they didn't do something to hurt her as well.

"I could never say one bad thing about her and I won't because she didn't do anything wrong or with any intention to hurt me at all. But this is an important part of the story of how I died. So, mom, since I know you're listening to this, don't you dare blame yourself for what I'm about to say. You didn't do anything but bring sunshine and smiles into my life, and I will forever love you for that.

"Oh, and I've left another personal note for you for when you listen to this. I want you to find it and follow the directions. What it says might come as a shock to you, but I explain it in the note - and Jisoo, this includes you as well."

Not gonna lie, I choked a little on my spit there. I felt like I was getting brought into more and more of these tapes. Not that I might. I loved the way my name sounded on her tongue.

"So, while all the bullying, beating, and humiliating went on and on I continuously was asking - more like begging and pleading actually - my mother if we could please move to another city. Or if I could at least change school. I would do anything to distance myself from the people that made my life miserable.

"I knew it was a long shot to suddenly ask my mother to quit her job, her friends, and her life where we lived, but I knew I couldn't take this much longer. I was constantly scared and suspected everything around me. I would flinch at every touch or movement from a person in the same room as me and I was tired. I was tired of always being paranoid and afraid. I was tired of being tired.

"I was worn out and at that point, I knew I would kill myself if it went on for much longer. So I figured, if I moved away, started on a new school, made new friends, hid the fact that I was gay, maybe I could start on fresh."

Wow. What if she had moved away? Maybe she wouldn't be dead now. She would live a happy life for once. Away from me, but as long as she was alive that didn't matter.

"I thought of it as a rebirth. A chance to start all over. A clean slate where no one was judging me anymore.

"So I asked my mom. First time I asked her if we were watching a movie. I had thought about it for quite a while. Since Jongin first started the rumor that escalated it all. I turned to her and asked if she would consider moving away or maybe finding a new school for me. I figured that since she knew what people had done to me and how terrible I was feeling she would understand.

"But she didn't. Or I think she did, but she said no. She had created a life for herself. That town was her safe space even though it wasn't mine. It was where she was happy, and she couldn't give that away. I get that, trust me I do Mum, but my life was a living hell. I was pleading and begging and crying. That was my hope for making my life good again."

I don't blame Jennie's mom at all and I get why she didn't want to move, but Jennie had the right to get a new beginning. No matter how sad I or her mom would be about them moving away, she deserved it. More than anyone.

"Mom, I love you so much. You mean the whole world to me and I don't know what I would do without you so don't feel guilty about that. I can't have you bearing a burden for the rest of your life because of this because it truly wasn't your fault and I hope you know that. I just had to say this, because it did affect my final decision. I'm sorry."

She was crying and I couldn't imagine how hard that must be. I was sure her mom would - no matter what she said - felt guilty about this, and she didn't deserve to live with that guilt forever. She deserved happiness just as much as Jennie does.

She was already heartbroken that her daughter was gone, but to also deal with the fact that she could have maybe prevented that, that was tough. This reminded me; I had a tape as well so maybe I would have to deal with that fact too. I could never. That would completely break me.

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