Three Little Words: A HeeJake Story

Paradox(XX)

"Making out doesn't make it better."

Sunghoon and I were sitting in the cafe around the corner from our dorm having coffee. It was one of the few places where no one would bother us. Our schedule was still really busy, but we had the morning free, so I decided to grab a coffee with my best friend. It had been a while since we'd been able to really sit down and not look around to see what other member was listening in.

Not that any of the guys aren't awesome and I'm not hiding anything, just want to talk with my friend.

"Did you hear me?" Sunghoon asked when I didn't respond to his declaration.

"I heard you," I answered.

"And?"

"It seemed better to me!" I smiled and gave my best friend a wink. Sunghoon gave me a giant eye roll.

I laughed and looked out the window behind Sunghoon.

"What are you really thinking? Why did you want to talk to me?" Sunghoon asked, "Because so far we've just been sitting here and I've been dispensing pearls of wisdom that you continue to disregard."

We both laughed.

"Have you even talked about it?"

I let out a big sigh, finally resigned to actually talk to SOMEONE about it.

"No, Hoon. We haven't," I answered

"Didn't think so"

I looked up at him with a giant question mark on my face.

"Heeseung. You've been with Jake a very long time. It doesn't make sense that literally everyone in the group knows why he's hurting and you don't."

"Why HE'S hurting?!?!?" what the hell is he talking about?? "What the hell are you talking about?? He's the one with pictures plastered all over the place hugging some other dude! I'm the one that's hurting!"

Sunghoon locked his eyes with mine, the way he always has. He simply locks eyes and waits for my attention.

"Fine," I leaned back and crossed my arms, "I'm listening.  Though I preferred you when you spoke less."  He smirked to reassure me he was kidding.

"I know that you're hurt, but you know better than to think that Jake would ever cheat on you. Even so, you're angry and you're worried because you know things aren't okay and you don't know how to change that."

"Sunghoon. I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about. Everything is okay. Everything is more than okay. Was there a misunderstanding? Yes. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. But I think I've reminded him who he's with and why," I smirked and gave Sunghoon a wink, and he again rolled his eyes.

"Making out doesn't make it better".

"You keep saying that, but it absolutely does."

"Going further doesn't make it better, either".

"I already told you, that isn't going to happen again," I said seriously, "That isn't what our relationship is about."

"So what's it about?"

"What do you mean?"

"If it isn't about being physical, then what is your relationship about?"

"Hoon, this is dumb. You know how much I care about Jake".

"I'm not going to say it again, but you know what's wrong with that sentence."

"UUUUGH" I groaned, draining the last of my coffee and flopping backward into my seat again. "This is ridiculous."

"What is so wrong with those words, Hee???"

"There isn't anything wrong with them. Of course I feel that way," I answered.

"But you won't say it."

"I just...UUGGGGGGGHHHHHH," now I flopped my head down on the table.

The thing is, Sunghoon knows exactly why I don't want to use those words. To me, those words are meaningless. Every couple I know that throws around those words doesn't throw them around for long. My parents included. Every relationship ever included. SunSun and JayWon may be an exception, but we'll see.

Ultimately, Jake and I are in a group together. Complicated emotions just make it more likely for me to lose my dream.

"I'm not going to lose my dream, Sunghoon," I said, "and if the wrong person hears those words, or if I forget who I am because of those words...it's over".

"Fair enough," Sunghoon said, standing up and placing a tip on the table, "but if you want to be with him, he has to be part of your dream. He deserves more."

Sunghoon held out his hand to pull me up from the chair and we headed out of the coffee shop.

We didn't walk far before I thought of something.

"You know, he's never said it, either," I told Sunghoon.

"I know"

"Then why are you giving me such a hard time?? Why aren't you bothering Jake?"

"Because Jake is just waiting on you to say it."

"Why can't he say it to me, first?"

"Because you may not say it back."

Sunghoon stopped and pulled me to a stop as well. He turned me to face him.

I don't like feeling awkward and uncomfortable and emotional. So instead, I laughed and shrugged my way out of his grasp, walking ahead.

"I didn't hear your answer," Sunghoon called from behind me.

"I didn't give you one," I called back, quickening my steps to get ahead.

I know that he's always there for me. I know he means well by what he's saying. But he just doesn't get it. Sunghoon was perfectly happy teaching dance classes with Sunoo by his side. It wouldn't have mattered to him if everyone found out they're together. If we were disbanded, he would simply go back to teaching and his life with Sunoo.

I have more at stake. This is it for me. I want to be in this career field in some capacity for the rest of my life. I don't want to put it at risk. Every time Jake gets these big public emotions out of me, it puts me at risk. Saying that word just makes it easier to get emotional.

I know your next question is 'But have you told Jake this?' No. No, I have not. Because I don't want to speak the issue into the air. Which, as far as I know, isn't an issue because Jake hasn't said anything about it, either.

Sunghoon is dying to hear me say those three little words and I just can't. I won't. I can't get tangled up in that level of attachment. I don't want to be with anyone else ever. But still...

What if I said it, and it came down to Jake or Enhypen. What would I choose?

The truth is, I don't know. Because I can't have my career just disappear.