Three Little Words: A HeeJake Story

Wake Up in Day One

I wasn't surprised to find Jake asleep in his bed when I came in. I knew that Sunghoon was going to tell him I was in the shower.  I tried to take an extra-long one to give him time. 

My head was still spinning, and the heat of the shower actually didn't help that much.

Sunghoon hadn't tried to give me a pep-talk this time.  Or even stern advice. He had just handed me a cup of black coffee and sat on the floor next to me.  

"The harder I try, the worse it gets," I had told him. 

"How have you tried?" Sunghoon had asked. At first, I looked at him in surprise.  But then I realized all of my "trying" was internal.

"That's fair," I said, "I haven't tried on the outside at all. I've just been working things out in my head".

"And where has that gotten you?"

I could feel tears welling up a bit. Some of that emotion I could attribute to the sheer amount of alcohol I'd consumed in a very short amount of time. But mostly I felt emotional because it hadn't gotten me anywhere. 

My head felt swimmy, so I leaned my head against the shoulder of my best friend. 

"I want to talk to him.  My plan all day was to figure out what I could say - how I could explain. Why I can't throw myself all in. I thought one quick shot would give me just a small amount of liquid courage."

"Whatever the truth is, he might not have wanted an intoxicated Heeseung to give it to him," Sunghoon had said.

I nodded.  He was right. This isn't a conversation for liquid courage. It has to be real. 

Now that I've had my shower and I see my boyfriend sleeping in his bed next to mine, my heart feels as though it's in my stomach.  It dropped down to my feet once I saw the piece of folded up paper. I sat down heavily on my bed as I opened it. 

Heeseung, 

What happened tonight isn't okay.  I'm not sure why you did it. But it seems you have some things to sort out. To that end, I've made a decision. Until the end of this promotion - 12 days starting tomorrow - you and I are not together. That doesn't mean that we're broken up. It simply means there are no expectations.  We will operate as friends and teammates, and there's no pressure as to what to say or how to act. We will simply enjoy the remainder of our comeback and work hard. 

But at the end of the promotion, you have a decision to make. You're in or you're out. If you can't fully commit to being in a relationship with me - and the potential pressures that come with it - then you're out. It's as simple as that.  

You have shit to work through, I guess. I get that.  But to be clear: I'm in.  I love you, Heeseung. It's up to you to decide how the story continues. 

I stared at the paper for just a moment, re-reading.  This is my shot.  Not only do I have the time to figure things out. I also have the time to step back and see what this really looks like. How it would even be without him.  Because this whole time as idols, he and I have been together.

I got out a pen and scribbled just one word underneath his letter: 

DEAL

I put the paper on his nightstand with a pen on top of it to keep it from falling off.  Then I got into my bed, clicked off the lamp, and went to sleep. 

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Day One:

First day morning.  When I sat up in bed, I looked over to see Jake already out of the room. Bed made. There was no evidence of the note on the nightstand, so he'd definitely seen it.