Medicine - T. Nott

twenty five

Song for this chapter: The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol)(Taylor's Version) - Taylor Swift, Gary Lightbody

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February 26th, 1998

It's uncharacteristically warm out for the end of February. It's still cold enough to need a coat but all of the snow is gone and the sun is occasionally peaking out from behind the clouds.

I've been in a suspiciously good mood since Valentine's Day and the nicer weather is making me even happier.

Care of Magical Creatures was cancelled today because an Imp managed to escape their cage and Hagrid needs to find it as soon as possible. Which means that Theo and I have a free period.

We're sitting on the hill overlooking the castle grounds. I cast a warming charm around us so that we don't get cold. Theo is sitting up with his legs scrawled out and I'm laying with my head in his lap. I've been attempting to read for the past fifteen minutes, but Theo isn't doing anything other than staring at me so it makes it quite difficult to focus.

Right now, the sun is out and it's shining down on Theo. The light filters through hid eyelashes and amplifies all of the light blue specks in his eyes.

"What?" I say, not even glancing up from my book.

"I didn't say anything," Theo says, trying to sound innocent.

"Well, you're staring and I can't focus," I say.

Theo tips his head back and looks up at the sky with squinted eyes. "I wasn't staring, I was thinking," He explains.

"About what?" I ask.

Theo looks back down at me and I look up at him from my book. He starts to speak then hesitates for a minute before sighing. "I heard from my father again," Theo says.

I sit up from his lap and set my book off to the side. Theo's dad doesn't just write to him because he wants to check up on his son, he only write to Theo when he has a demand, a request, a suggestion, or something important.

"And what'd he say?" I ask.

Theo laughs, "Not a lot, like usual." He looks away from me for a few seconds then back at me. "He said that I don't have to rush to get married anymore. He approves of you so much that he's not going to rush me into anything. Surprisingly, he told me to take my time. So I guess he had a change of heart."

My heart flutters in my chest as I process everything that Theo just told me.

"So that's it then?" I ask. "Our plan worked?"

"Our plan?" Theo asks. His face falters briefly and he answers his own question. "Right, yes, I guess it did work."

I nod and look over at the castle grounds. There's a group of second years running around and laughing, completely oblivious to everything life is going to throw at them.

"I guess it's time that we broke up then," I say, not even able to meet Theo's eyes. "Since the plan worked, there's no reason for us to keep this up any longer."

Theo's face falls and I still can't make eye contact with him. He clears his throat and shakes his head. "Yeah, I guess you're right," He says.

I stand up and gather my things. We can talk things through later but I need to leave before I start crying.

The sun goes behind the clouds again and the sky turns gray once again.

I start to walk away but Theo grabs my hand. "Wait, Alex-," He says.

I turn back towards him an sigh. "We can talk about this later, okay? I have a lot of homework-"

Theo stands up, and drops my hand. He runs a hand through his hair and looks like he's trying to get all of his thoughts in one place.

"What if we didn't break up?" Theo asks, meeting my eyes.

I blink at him. "What?"

"What if we didn't break up? What if we stayed together?" Theo repeats.

"Why would we do that?" I ask. "The plan worked, the deal is over. It doesn't make any sense for us to pretend anymore."

Theo shakes his head and glances at the ground before looking at me. "I love you, Alex," Theo says.

I feel like someone slapped me across the face. I really am on the brink of tears now but I blink them away. I refuse to cry in front of him.

"What?" I ask, my voice sounding incredibly small.

"I love you," Theo says.

I shake my head. "No, no," I mutter.

"Yes," Theo says, reaching for me.

"Theo," I say, pushing his hand away from me.

Theo drops his hand. "What?"

"You're being mean," I say, trying to keep my voice steady.

"How am I being mean?" Theo asks, his face falling.

I take a step back from him. "Stop it, stop it." I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to compose myself. "This whole thing was fake, okay? It was supposed to be fake-, but it was real to me. And I won't be the person you settle for just because you don't want to be lonely. Okay? I won't do it," I say. "Not when-, not when I've spent this whole time loving you."

There's several feet of space between Theo and I.

He's looking at me with an unreadable look on his face, but he looks so incredibly sad at the same time.

"Alex, please," Theo says. "You've got it all wrong. I'm not just telling you that I love you because I'm scared of being alone. I'm telling you that I love you because it's been you all along."

"No, no," I say, looking away from him.

"Alex, we've got to have it out," Theo says.

There are tears starting to fall down my face and I let them. I'm too tired to try to stop them from rolling down my cheeks and wrecking my mascara.

"I have spent months trying to remind myself that none of this was real," I say. "It spent so much time being caught up with you that I didn't realizing how much it was going to hurt me. I don't want to be hurt by you."

"I love you, Alex," Theo says again. His eyes are glassy.

"You love the idea of me. I was always there and maybe you got too caught up in all of it too," I say, my voice breaking.

"Alex," Theo pleads.

"So it's best we leave it here before either of us gets hurt anymore," I say.

I turn around and start walking back to the castle. Theo calls after me again and it only makes me cry harder but I keep walking. He doesn't chase after me, which I'm grateful for because I'm quite sure that I would fall back into his arms if he did.

I just can't be hurt by him anymore.

I might not have realized it until a couple of months ago, but this whole plan with Theo was slowly hurting me the entire time.

My vision's a bit blurry from the tears so I wipe my eyes as I walk back into the castle. The tears have stopped but I don't really want anyone to see that I had cried about a boy, so I walk with my head down. That is until I run right into someone.

"Sorry," I say, looking up.

Blaise frowns, "Alex, what's wrong?"

I thought I was starting to get it together. My lip quivers and I start crying again. "Theo and I broke up," I say.