lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

welcome home

"Welcome home," Our manager tells me happily, opening our dorm door. I've missed our dorm so much. I look around the living room, remembering the confrontation Hyun and I had. A sinking feeling suddenly is in my stomach. I honestly don't want to be here. I feel like something is gonna happen.

"Thanks manager-nim," I reply bowing low. A banner is hanging in the corner with the words saying 'Welcome home Kai'. I gulp nervously hoping no one's hiding when suddenly a hand touches my shoulder I jump, whirling around to see my sunbaenims. My heart jumps into my throat and I blink a lot to calm myself down. I know a few techniques to calm myself if I'm going to have a panic attack but I can't even think straight anymore. I'm too numb to process.

"Kai! How are you? We've missed you at the Hybe building," Jungkook hyung greets, smiling at me with his bunny teeth. I force a smile on my face, wanting to just disappear. I don't want to be here, in this moment anymore.

"I'm doing good, thank you for asking," I reply politely, hearing people walk up behind me. I sigh and turn around to see Enhypen standing there. This is actually overwhelming me, extremely overwhelming me. My hands shake and I put them in my jeans pockets hoping no one would notice. Taehyun notices it I can tell, when he raises an eyebrow at me.

"Hyungg!" Riki grins, running up to me and giving me a big hug. I give Jay and Sunghoon a 'save me' look but they shrug, a twinkle in their eyes. "We gotta dance together soon!"

"Yeah, sure," I say not really knowing what I was saying. He lets me go and I pat him on the back, smiling at him hoping he can't see through my lies. Sunoo and Heeseung walk up to me asking me how I'm doing.

"I'm doing fine, how are you guys? Working on your next comeback?" They nod happily. "Anyways, I better go to my room-"

"Wait, Kai, you're manager needs to talk to you," Yeonjun tells me, making my heart sink low.

Don't go- My head tells me. I try to shut down my thoughts but they just won't stop telling me to run away. I finally close out my mind. You idiot, trying to shut down your stupid thoughts. That doesn't work.

"Where is he?"

"Umm, I think you and Taehyun's room? I'm not sure," WHAT? Why would they just let him in there? I feel my hands curl into fists in my pockets. I try to relax. "But he said it was urgent,"

"Okay, thanks. Um, thanks everyone for uh saying hello.. Its nice to see you again."

Lies, lies lies. You're such a bad liar. No one really cares that you're back. They just came here to make you feel better.

I clear my head even if I push back everything into the back of my mind- along with my dark secrets. They are still there, just hiding. Out of sight, out of mind.

"Well, Kai.." My personal manager greets, smirking at me. I shift my weight to my other foot so I would at least stay calm. "It's been awhile." I don't reply, I just stand there numbly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Great," I lie straight through my teeth.

"I know you're lying,"

"I don't care,"

"You start practice tomorrow,"

"My therapist told-"

"You hate that stupid therapist, Kai. Plus, it would be good for dead voice like yours to practice early in the morning," I grit my teeth, knowing he's trying to get a good reaction from me. It won't work.

"I just came home. I nee-"

"You need to shut up and obey me." A snarky comment flies through my lips before I can even think.

"Then I can't sing," I sassily smirk, squaring my shoulders back, for the first time in months. I actually defended myself. Then I think, What have I done? His hand lifts up, a smack in my ears sounds and I find my head turned the other way. I touch my cheek realizing he just slapped me across the face. Of course he would stoop that low. I step backwards into a bookshelf hoping to get away from him.

"You think putting yourself in asylum will make your stronger? Well, guess what you good-for-nothing boy?" I don't say anything but he keeps going on with his cruel words. "You couldn't defend yourself when-" I gasp when the door opens and Taehyun comes inside. My hero, my wonderful hero.

"Manager Sik, we need Hyuka for a moment," My manager nods and he leaves me alone. I stand there stiffly, thoughts rushing to my brain again.

You are nothing at all.

You are a wannabe kpop idol.

You couldn't even protect yourself.

You will never be like your hyungs.

You are useless.

You are worthless.

You're not even pretty

You are never going to be enough.

You shouldn't even be alive.

Taehyun touches my shoulder and I look at him, tears filling my vision. "Are you okay, Hyuka?"

"Sure," I say clearing my throat. "I am fine."

"Oh and by the way... Welcome home, jagi."