lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

promise me

I want a break. I am so sick of my hyungs. I wish I could just take them by the shoulders and yank them out of the trance they are in. They act like their happy but I know they aren't. They miss me, the old me. Their young maknae who was childish but mature; adorable but serious. I am sick of it, honestly. I grip my pen as I'm writing a letter for MOAs. We're recording a TO DO and dang, I am so so  angry and frustrated.

I sigh, running my hand through my hair nervously. I look up to see Beomgyu standing in front of me, biting his lip. I hope he stays to the script. Please, stay on script, please- He clears his throat and yanks the paper off the desk playfully.

That's not on the script.

"Oooh, what does this say? Hmmm..." He scans it quickly before read it out loud, "Dear MOAs, thank you so much for the kindness you've given me and my hyungs. You all are so sweet and loving. I am glad to have fans like you." I huff, standing to my feet.

"Gyu, give it to me," He shakes his head smiling at me. "Now." I see Yeonjun and Soobin looking at us from the corner of my eye.

"Where's the hyung hmm?" I shake my head, putting out my hand, waiting for him to hand it to me. "No respect? Awww." I groan and reach for it but he holds it up above his head. I reach for it but I can't since he's so quick. He's being annoying. I like to play around and goof off but I am so sick of this. I just want to write it and film everything and JUST BE DONE. I want to curl up in bed and fall asleep.

"Hyung, stop," I beg, hoping he can hear the desperation in my voice. "Hyung! Stop it!" He laughs at my reaction, putting fuel in the volcano even more. That's it. Thoughts, anxiety and everything rushes up, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I slap a hand on my mouth and run off the set, past our manager and all the crew who stare at me.

"Kai!" Soobin yells as they cut off the cameras. I keep running until I'm in the bathroom. I lock a bathroom stall, and throw up all the snacks I had for breakfast. I was to jittery this morning to even eat properly. Someone taps the stall door and I don't reply, salty tears falling down hollow cheeks. I wipe my mouth, flush the toilet and smooth out the wrinkles in my shirt. I breathe in, giving myself a pep talk, that I'm going to be okay.

"Hey," I say, opening the stall door. I see Sunoo who hands me a towel, making my own hands shakier than normal. "Thanks,"

"You okay hyung?"

"Yeah," I reply splashing water on my face, knowing that my makeup was completely ruined now, but I honestly didn't mind getting rid of the sweatiness.

"I saw you running down the hallway, I hope you're okay."

"I'm fine." I say, looking at him through the mirror, he sighs and bites his lip.

"Are you sure? You sounded a little sick,"

"Sunoo, I'm fine." I murmur, gritting out the words hoping he would get the message. He steps closer to me and puts a warm hand on my own hand, making me stare at his hand.

"I know you're not fine hyung, you can tell me." I shake my head, whirling away so I can keep up my act without telling him anything. "Look I know I may be your dongsaeng but you can tell me anything. I won't tell anyone what you tell me." I sigh, turn around and look straight into his eyes. Honestly wished that Sik had choked me to death.

"Promise me that when you're not okay, you go to someone that you trust like your hyungs, like your sunbaes or your family. Promise me that when you need help you go to them, and not destroy yourself, okay?" I look straight into his eyes and give him a look. He nods. "Promise me Sunoo,"

"I promise hyung, I promise," He replies, his own eyes teary-eyed. I force a small smile on my face, and pat his shoulder. Maybe I can help him so he doesn't turn out to be me, or like me at least. He's probably wondering what I'm talking about, but thankfully he doesn't ask.

"Promise me you won't be like me,"