lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

you're not a burden

I stare at myself in the mirror and see the scars on my arms and the bandages wrapped around my torso. The stitches were practically gone on my face but they would remain as tiny scars, and maybe someday they would turn into faded scars. I flexed my hand, wincing slightly. They were still bruised but I would not regret punching that evil manager for hurting my baby sister. I would never want to redo that.

 I shiver a little, remembering all the trauma I had gone through in the last year. The hallucinations had definitely gotten better after Sik had been taken away from Hybe but sometimes, I would see him in the corner of my eye but that would be something I had to share with my newest therapist- who was supposedly a good therapist.

Or the doctors at the mental hospital who were absolutely annoying- well, for some reason, once our main manager decided to investigate them, they found that he was relatives to Sik. Yeah, the mental hospital had given me trauma too sadly.

I don't think me, Soobin, Yeonjun, Beomgyu and Taehyun will ever really recover at what happened at the bridge. I still feel guilty remembering them crying as they put my into the ambulance. And... Bahiyyih, she was hurt too, just trying to protect me. I let out a small sigh and suddenly a sob broke through my throat and a river of tears began to flow down my face, I held my hand to my mouth trying to stifle the loud sobs so it wouldn't bother the other boys.

I pulled down my shirt quickly, my stomach churning again at the sight of my torso and decided to leave the bathroom quickly as possible. I ran to my room and grabbed one of my plushies tightly, squeezing my eyes shut as I kept sobbing, burying my face into another plushie. I heard padded footsteps and I didn't dare to look up to see who it was.

"Hyuka?" Taehyun's soft voice whispered, sitting down on my bed. I whimpered in response. "It's okay, Ningie, I'm here for you," I lifted my head to see him with his arms open and I scrambled over to him, wanting to have comfort. "Shh, be gentle to yourself, you're still healing,"

"I'm sorry, hyung," I whimpered, and he rubbed my back gently, humming in response. "I'm so so sorry,"

"Sorry for what, Kai-ah?" His gentle voice made me break into harsh sobs, "Hey, hey, don't you hyperventilate, baby,"

"I-I'm so s-sorry for being such a b-burden," I replied to him, squeezing his shirt tightly with my sore fists. He pulled away slightly and lifted my chin so I would look at him directly.

"Hyuka, you're not a burden,"

"But I've worried you guys so much and hyungs are always so sad-" He put his finger on my lips, making me stop talking. He shook his head. Taehyun gave me a weak smile.

"No, we're just concerned for you.. Hyungs are actually beating themselves up for not realizing you were in such pain.. So in reality, we should be the ones saying sorry to you." I gasped in shock and pulled away even further from his warm body.

"No!" I exclaimed, "You have nothing to say sorry about-"

"We were supposed to take care of you, Kai.. Your parents are disappointed in us. Lea is too... possibly Hiyyih. You're our maknae and we didn't protect you... from Sik or from your dark thoughts. I am so sorry, Hyuka," Taehyun looked away, tears watering in his eyes. I whined and shook my head furiously.

"No! Who cares about my parents right now? I'm alive aren't I? I could be dead right now," Taehyun stiffened and I coughed on my saliva realizing what I just said. "I could have died... If it wasn't for you or the others, I would be dead, hyung. Every time I wanted to die, I thought of you all. I thought of how you loved me and took care of me. So no, you shouldn't be apologizing right now... Okay?" He didn't reply so I poked him in the chest. He shrugged and stared at the floor glumly.

"Taehyun... Please.. I'm fine now-"

"When was the last time you had a nightmare?" He interrupted, narrowing his eyes at me. I opened my mouth, but had nothing to say because I did have another nightmare yesterday. "See what I mean?"

"Sheesh," I rolled my eyes at him and he swatted me slightly, careful of my wounds.

"I love you, Hyuka," I smiled brightly at him and he cooed, I wrinkled my nose and glared. "Hey, I'm your hyung! Show some respect!" He suddenly pulled me into his arms again and I rested my head on him, feeling soft inside.

"I love you too, hyung," I whispered quietly, tears slowly dripping onto his t-shirt.