Dog Boy

24

The next morning, I was greeted with some mercifully good news upon waking up. My tablet buzzed, and an automated message informed that the quarantine was loosening somewhat. Public places weren't opening up really yet, but otherwise, visiting other people was alright.

I pushed against my lethargy, and sent Jackie a text, simply asking if she wanted to go for a walk.

She responded surprisingly quickly, with a simple yes, and then another text that she'd be waiting outside my house in a half an hour.

I got out of bed, and took a shower, going through all that now entailed as quickly as I could. Despite the annoyance of getting all sopping wet, I was getting more and more adjusted to my fur - and as I was blow drying it, I found myself having a hard time imagining myself without it. Somehow the idea of having nothing covering my body... felt unnatural.

I shook off the thought, and finished getting all dressed. I only put on a light jacket over a t-shirt, and jeans without shoes. I sensed that otherwise I might be too warm. I was not looking forward to the summer months.

All I grabbed for breakfast was a granola bar before going out the door. Thankfully no one was in the kitchen. I was not interested in talking to my family right now.

My fur prickled slightly as I entered the cold. Snow was on the ground, but none had fallen for a week or so. Despite being dressed more thin than I normally would be for the weather, I felt fairly comfortable. Overall it just felt so good to be outside. Sounds and smells flooded my canine senses.

I just stood there a moment in front of my house, breathing slowly with my eyes closed. After so much stress recently, especially yesterday, I just needed a moment of calm. I didn't even pant - with my muzzle, it was feeling easier to control it.

I heard footsteps in front of me, and opened my eyes to see Jackie walking up. She was dressed in similarly light clothes. My mood fell a bit when I saw that she had a somber look in her eyes.

"I hate shoes," she said.

"You were trying to put shoes on?" I chuckled.

"Yes, and I tried for ages and it wouldn't work."

She wiggled her paw-like toes against the frozen snow, seemingly trying to decipher the new experience.

"So... uh, you wanna walk to the Junior HIgh?" I asked.

"Sure."

I considered trying to see if she wanted to hold hands, but she put her hands in her pockets before I could reach out.

We didn't talk much at first. It was just the crunching of the snow beneath our padded feet. 

"How has it been since you got home?" I finally asked.

Jackie didn't answer immediately. "Awful."

I frowned, heaving a sigh. "I feel you."

"I'm never going to adjust to this," Jackie whispered as she stared at the ground ahead of her. "Right now... I'm certain people are staring out of their windows... they're silently judging us."

I saw her breath starting to grow rapid, and I placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Just... relax. We can't control what others do. We can only choose how we'll react to them."

Jackie squeezed her eyes tight. "I know... I know."

I took my hand off her shoulder. I could tell she had serious stuff going on in her head, but I had no idea what to say. I saw the glimmer of wetness in her eyes.

"Jackie... we've been through this together. You can talk to me about it."

She didn't answer. A brief gust of icy wind blew around us. She grimaced slightly, but didn't react much to it.

"I care about you Jackie," I said. "I don't know... well... I'm not sure where you want this to go... but I want to be there for you, if you want me to be."

She sniffled. "I don't know where I want anything to go Matt. Human Jackie's life is over. Something new has taken her place. Maybe Jackie was never very human to begin with, and she was always faking it."

"No," I said, leaning down to try to make eye contact with her, "you're not a something. You're Jackie, and that doesn't change if your outside does."

She was quiet. And then she let out a sob.

"I hate my inside. I hate myself. I'm a freak."

"Jackie," I said with sternness. I got in front of her, blocking her path. "You are not a freak. That is a terrible, terrible word, and I never, ever want to hear you use that word again."

She looked up at me, stunned.

"I know that you don't want to care about yourself right now," I went on, "but I care about you. I hate seeing people in pain, in such awful spiraling depression. You do not want to feel this way. I know  you don't want to feel this way. You want to be happy."

She muttered something inaudibly, but it seemed she couldn't find the words.

"It's okay to be happy Jackie," I said, grasping her upper arms. "Sitting alone in our rooms, crying in the dark is not going to make our lives any better. It's not going to change anything. This is our life, and no amount of pining for a different reality will change that. So we have a choice. Stay still, and continue in awful depression, or stand up, and try to do something about it."

Jackie loosed more tears. "I can't - I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck."

"Talk to me," I said, pulling her forward into a walk again. "tell me what you're feeling."

She wheezed. "I... always... secretly wanted to be like this. I... I read a book about a girl who turned into a dog when I was little... and I began pretending to be a dog a lot. I sniffed at things a lot. I didn't realize that I smelled way better than was normal."

She trembled. "Gosh," she said... "I hate this. I hate talking about this."

"Just go on," I said, "it's okay."

"Even... even when I got older, I still found myself fantasizing about it. And I messed up my brain. I know it. I became a f-furry. My mom and dad found out about that. I felt worse. When... when my dad died... I felt like such a failure to him."

"I - "

She cut me off. "I know. I know that he didn't see it that way. But it felt like that. But now all this has happened. It's all become real. And... gosh. I just feel like the two sides of me are playing tug of war with my body. I feel horribly ashamed one minute, and the next I've... I've felt so incredibly happy. Ever since getting home... being able to be as weird as I want in the privacy of my room... I've had such awful mood swings. One moment I'm panting and wagging my tail like crazy, the next I've collapsed to the floor, pulling at my fur, wishing I could tear it all out."

I put my arm around her side, and she began crying harder as we walked. As she sobbed, she reached out to me, and on her own held my hand. I laced my fingers with hers, snugly pressing her paw pads against mine. 

I waited, in case she spoke further. She did not.

"I have a confession to make Jackie."

"Wh-what?"