I went into every single cemetery in St. Austin, I looked and asked for Carolyn's grave. I almost have up until on of the men who worked at the cemetery told me that they had a Carol Guerrero. If I had remembered correctly her mother and grandmother both had always called her that name. He led me to the grave and when I saw the picture of Carolyn and her mother next to it I fell on my knees. There was no date of when she was born or what day she died, but there was a phrase on it.
If tears and sorrow could build a stairway to heaven, I know by the first day you left that I would be with you.
She really was dead. Rebbecca was right. I felt tears run through my cheeks. I looked up at the sky, it was getting cloudy and dark.
"I'm, so sorry Carolyn!" I kissed the her stone. I died a bit inside. I sat there with her for what seemed like hours. "You know, I never told you that you were everything to me. I never told you how the first time we kissed my hands were shaking uncontrollably, and that it took me days to ask you to be my girlfriend." I smiled when all the memories of her filled my mind.
Like the time I first saw her cry. The first time she said 'I love you' and all her hopes and dreams she had."Remember that time at Rico's party, when I got so drunk and you couldn't take me home, so you snuck me in your house and we sleep together, all night it was just you and me. You took care of me, or that last dance we danced at the Mayday Parade concert. You curled your hair and wore a pretty little black dress with your Converse. I finally asked you to dance when they played the beginning of Terrible Things. You held your head against my shoulder, the way we moved was so magical, and I saw no one else but you there." I took a slip of an old photo I had from my pocket. It was a picture of me and her on our first date. I had written on the back
You are that last
droplet of alcohol
I can't wean from the bottle.
The last whisper
fading upon the wind.
The flame holding on
to the shaking limbs
of faltering oaks.
The cracks dancing
across the concrete.
You are everything
I've been aged
to turn away from.
And still, and still,
I turn to you.
She was wearing a blue dress and the picture had caught that glimmer in her eyes. I remember after she found me and Rebbecca, I never saw that glimmer again. I sat there for what seemed like days, I went to buy a whiskey bottle and I went back.
"Remember when we would get so wasted... When we would just lay in the grass and look at the stars? We never kept a secret from each other... Yea we were still kids but it was real wasn't it.." I drank and drank. I poured a cup and placed it next to her stone. It was getting dark now and I laid next to her, I looked at the stars and began to weep. I fell asleep, then a familiar voice awoke me.
"What are you doing here?" I didn't want to look, or open my eyes."Answer me!" I opened my eyes and I saw her. She was wearing a black long sleeved shirt, and blue jeans. Her hair was down and longer then I had ever seen it. She looked at me with her brown eyes full of anger she had a bandage around her arm and she looked weak. "Answer me god damn it! What are you doing next to my mothers grave?"
It was Carolyn. Was I dreaming? Was she a ghost? What was going on?
"I.. I'm dreamin-"
"Leave! I don't want to see you."
"Carolyn..." I got up and felt dizzy, I was clearly drunk. I grabbed her arm and she pulled away. She was real, not a ghost.
"You ruined my whole life! I couldn't even be with my mother because of your damn girlfriend!"
"I'm so sorry" She stepped back. "I thought you were dead.."
"We'll I almost died! No thanks to you." She said moving away from me.
"Piper...She said you passed away and...and that was why Rebbecca got sent to prison.."
"Well she lied to you, and I thank her for that. Now leave." She had no expression.
"She's dead." I looked at her, I expected her to know already but by the way she reacted it was new to her.
"Wh-" she stopped she held her hand to her head."No, no no no no! You... She's not!"
"Carolyn, Piper died in a car acceding about 2 weeks ago." I saw her tears flow down.
"Leave! Leave now! I don't want to hear your lies! I can't stand you! Leave." She pushed me.
"I hate to see you like this, let me help you please I love you and I need you!" She stopped crying and looked at me straight at my eyes.
"You hate seeing me this way..?" She stepped right in front of me. She laughed. "You're so full of it! If you hated to see me this way you wouldn't cause all this! And don't you EVER say you love me! You don't fuck someone over and then tell them you love them."
"I love you and I know you still love me too... Yo-"
"Thats where youre worng Vic, I dont love you. I stopped loving you the day i saw you and Rebbecca together."
Her words hit me hard. I couldnt bellieve what she was saying. She was lying and trying to hurt me the way I hurt her.
"Youre hurt and I get it, but we can work this out Carolyn. I can fix everything...I can fix you. You dont have to act out and be this cold" I placed my hand on her cheek.
"No, Vic. Im not hurt. Im not acting out."
"Youre faking it, you still love me."
"You were the only person, the only one that i would have done anything for. You were the only person I couldnt stand to see hurt, but now I really dont care about you."
She looked cold and her eyes didnt look at me the same way she used to. I felt like I was dreaming, and maybe I was. I was so drunk I didnt even know if this was real.
"Stop, youre not like this. This isnt you Carolyn" I now had both hands caressing her cheeks, but she grabed my hands and pulled away.
"No, Vic. This is me. Youve just never seen what I am like when im not in love with you." I felt a tear fall down my cheek and i stepped back. I had broken her and now she was doing the same to me.
"So...i have lost you." I expected her to say no that we could still be friends, but her answer was the oppiste.
"Yes, you have lost me. You lost me forever."
"But you loved me once, you can love me again... Carolyn!" she shook her head.
"I loved you. Oh god how i loved you. Victor, i could have crossed deserts just for you, I would have died just for you. But when i saw you and Rebbecca, you tore every part of me. I had nothing. But that wasnt enough. Rebbecca almost tired to kill me once yet you stayed with her! I almost died this time also! I couldnt be with my mother at her last days because I was in a fucking coma! A coma that Rebbecca put me in!"
I looked back and rememberd the first time Rebbecca had tried to kill Carolyn by hiting her with her car, Carolyn had gotten a broken leg and a fractured rib. I focused my attemtion back on Carolyn. She was more beautiful then ever, even with her make up running down her face. How was I supposed to live without her she knew now how I felt. She looked away from me as if she was disgusted, I knew that I had to leave, she truly wanted me away from her and if I wanted to see her happy, then I would have to be gone.
"I love you Carolyn, and I'm truly sorry that I messed everything up." I began to walk away when I saw a tear slid down her face.
"Goodbye Vic." She turned around and sat next to her moms grave. I had lost her, forever.
