fanboy

I get it

I woke up in my bed, uncomfortable from the stickiness of my sweat. The sun is high up in the sky and the blinds are leaving geometric patterns on the wall.

I move a bit and I feel sore all over, also my asshole is very sensitive and feels like it's burning.

Oh. My. God. I'm remembering everything now. Jeff Satur fucking me senseless.

I take deep breaths to calm down, my heart has gone crazy.

I turn my head towards the bedding, I want to smell him on the sheets. I want to look for traces of him. Wait,  is he still here?

Why is he not here? Why did I asume so easily that he left? I stand up and look around, go to the lounge, the kitchen. No sight of Jeff, and he hasn't left a note either.

Grey comes purring to rub against my legs. I am still floating, wanting to close my eyes and replay everything again slowly. His kisses, the feeling of being connected. Aaah.

I pour some cat food for Grey and go have a shower. I stay under the water for a long time, cleaning myself very well, tentatively checking on my hole that's still so sore and tender.

I get something to eat and try to calm my excitement. I'm so in love with Jeff Satur, my Jeff ...and the things he did to me...

***

The next morning I go running in the park. To be honest I still feel a bit sore but it's bearable, I suppose, for the chance of seeing Jeff.

I'm a bit worried that he hasn't sent a message after yesterday, he must be very busy again.

I come back home walking slowly, I probably overdid it and Jeff wasn't even there today. I check my phone and social media... Nothing apart from an Instagram post to promote one of the brands Jeff's works with.

***

I went to the park every morning this week and he wasn't there. I know he's got a busy schedule but he hasn't sent any text message either. Or answer my good morning message. The realisation that he's ghosting me is unbearable.

I do the unthinkable, I make a phone call to his phone. The call goes to a voicemail and I don't feel like leaving a message so I hang up.

Half an hour later, he messages me at last. A "sorry I'm very busy with work right now" with a crying emoji.

My heart jumps and summersaults, but the longer I look at it the more I'm convinced it's just a message to simply make me stop calling him.

***

Every couple of days I go the boxing ring to train with my friends, I'm feeling fine now and I want to punch something, someone.

He said it, he's an asshole, now I get it.
I punch and kick the punching bag to relieve my frustration.

How someone you love so much can make you taste happiness just to take it from you straight away. "Fuck you!" I say in my mind, training until I have no energy left at all, and the pain in my body distracts me from the pain in my heart.

***

I know he's probably traveling, there is a music tour soon to promote his new album. I also know there's no point in running in the park anymore because he's not going to turn up.

But during the grieving period, that's the last thing I let go, I am still running every morning with the craziest smallest hope to meet him.

I got rid of the posters and Polaroids, they are inside a cupboard now, I couldn't burn them or throw them away.

Same with the clothes and couple jewelry I sent to him. I put them away. My studio and room look so empty now and I realise I need to buy new clothes because most of my wardrobe is somehow related to him.

***

It's been over a month. I am better now. It's still painful and shameful, Jeff Satur, my idol, befriended me, then we had a one night stand in which he fucked me until I literally passed out and then he disappeared.

Fuck myself, how I'm getting out of this?

I'm better but I feel like I can't breathe every time I think about it.

***

In my phone there's something more dangerous than TNT. There's an e-ticket for a Jeff Satur concert I bought months ago. I don't know what to do with it, I guess I could sell it online and that would be the best, but I remember how excited I was only a month ago, how much I like his music. I'm torn.

***

I decide to sell it at the door or just go there and give it away to someone.