fanboy

You sing songs saying you love me

Am I crazy or stupid? Jeff called to invite me to his house and I said yes.

I don't want to think too much, I'm just getting ready to go because I know I will regret even more not going than seeing him.

He's been sending me so many gifts I don't know what to do. I'm not wearing his clothes though, that would be too much. But I really like the pendant he gave me so I wear that under my t-shirt.

I opt for something neutral, just my usual black trousers, black t-shirt and black cap. I pick up my new guitar Dione and I head out to his house.

***

I don't know who's more nervous, if it's Jeff or me. He is stuttering again when he comes to welcome me at the door, so cute.

The fact that he's nervous is calming my own nerves and also making me think it isn't such a bad idea to be here.

We go to his studio, I haven't been here in months but it's mostly as I remembered, he has made a few changes, though, adding some more things to the shelves and a sofa chaiselongue in one corner.

He sits on his chair, his throne where he produces his music... it's always so exciting seeing creative people in their atelier, for a moment I forget I'm not his fanboy anymore.

He asks me to get comfortable so I sit on the sofa. We warm up with some easy songs, but even that I can't manage at first, my nerves are back and my heart is thumping in my chest.

We laugh my errors out, I didn't remember him so patient. Today he's helping me a lot, and when he puts his hand over mine on the mast my breath stops for a few seconds. That butterfly-like touch perhaps it means nothing to him - I don't dare to look at him and find out - but for me it's like a reminder of the intimacy we once shared.

Jeff starts playing his acoustic guitar; I follow him when I can. Now he's giving me a private mini concert and it feels so good inside I don't know how to react. I'm probably blushing, so I try to look away, but his eyes are searching mine.

If I tell you now
What I keep in this heart
I don't know if you're ready to listen to these words

I look down, hiding behind my cap. Definitely my ears must be red because I feel them burning.

I want to tell you that I love you to let you know
That before going to sleep
I think about it

Damn Jeff, why are you singing songs saying you love me?

The song finishes and Jeff is silent. I don't dare lift my eyes. I hear a rustle, Jeff has put his guitar aside.

He uncross his legs and his naked feet flank my left foot, I can see that from under my cap. Then I feel his hand taking mine.

- Bible, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't recognise my feelings in time and I'm sorry I made you cry - he starts saying this and I think "Is he wanting to make me cry again?"

He takes my hand in both of his, bring it to his chest on top of his heart and I lift my head.

- What I'm trying to say is that I... I love you, can you feel it? ...Can you feel how fast it's beating for you? - he says looking straight into my eyes, diving into my heart.

I don't know for how long we look at each other in silence. I feel his heart through the cotton of his shirt below my fingertips.

He helps me put my guitar down, then his hands take off my cap and stay there, his thumbs touching my cheeks.

- Can I kiss you? - he says with a deep low voice.

I hear my heart and I think he can hear it too. I nod tentatively, then I see him closing the distance and I instinctively close my eyes.

His lips are so soft on mine, he's just catching softly my bottom lip between his lips, then my top lip.

I'm a bit confused, all this gentleness it's not what I was expecting from him but it feels so good.

We kiss for quite some time, his lips caressing mine, his tongue licking my mouth softly, his teeth grazing my lips.

He stands up and comes to sit by my side on the sofa. I just notice that he's been leaning in an uncomfortable position all this time.

He turns towards me and gives me a hug. I return the embrace, my hands travelling up his back, and I can feel his heart beat on my chest.

His neck is perfect for my chin, I soak on his scent, my lips kissing the base of his neck.

- Cuddle with me for a bit - says Jeff, and we both lie down on the sofa.

I feel like he's being vulnerable and showing me a soft side that not many people can see. My hand goes to his soft long hair and I start caressing and threading my hands on it.

- I don't have much to offer you, Bible. I can't be together with you in public, my schedule is usually packed full, as you already know, and you'll see me having moments and skinship with my colleagues because it's part of my work - Jeff makes a pause, then continues - but even if it's probably not enough, and not near what you deserve, would you still want to be with me?

He moves his head and looks at my face with puppy eyes.

I don't want to say anything, I feel I'm not ready to put my feelings in words.

- Maybe.

He hugs me tight again and we stay like that for a long time, until we drift off to sleep together.

***

Two or three hours later, I extricate myself from his arms very very carefully, as to not wake him up, and this time it's me who is leaving him.

I put my shoes at the door, nervous as if I'm going to be caught in the act of doing something bad, and I realise I am falling harder than ever because now I know many sides of Jeff. I know he's not perfect, and I'm learning to like his faults too.

Damn it.

I love him.