fanboy

I'm over you

Two days before the concert, the best friend of my brother's girlfriend  ended up getting in touch with me because she was looking for tickets to see Jeff Satur. We agreed to meet at the venue before the concert.

I am waiting for her leaning on a fence in front of the stadium, there's still plenty of time until the concert kicks off, so there's not many people around, except some diehard Saturdays.

I feel like I'm seeing and old family photo album, like watching myself years ago, someone who is no longer me.

The girl arrives, she's very cute and can't stop saying thank you. I make the transfer of the tickets, and I explain that for personal reasons I'm  not able to go to the concert anymore. She wants to pay me but I refuse, she's doing me a favour instead.

She thanked me again and left, very excited. For me letting the tickets go is like extracting a splinter, it hurts a bit at the moment but it will make the constant pain stop. And things will be better.

I take my phone from my pocket and I scroll through my contacts looking for my brother Jonathan, to let him know all went ok. I pass quickly over Jeff's number (blocked) and I think my heart is finally numb.

I turn around and leave without looking back.

***

It's been three months since my story with Jeff Satur. I'm over it, I think. I'm not 100% sure since I haven't been with with anyone in a romantic or sexual way, perhaps that's the step I'm missing to completely consider myself healed.

I received an invitation for an event that is throwing a new streaming platform. Nayeon will be there... I don't see Jeff in the programme so it seems safe. It has become a new habit, checking that I'm not going to see Jeff. 

***

The event it's really good and it looks very expensive! They brought Kpop stars too and there are some guest artists invited... I was needing something like this!

__________________________________

There are so many artists today, I'm really loving taking part in this concert, even if it is a last minute decision and my schedule is so tight that I've only slept 4 hours last night.

I scan the audience as usual from behind the stage. I'm still thinking of meeting my fanboy's eyes somewhere among the public but I know it won't happen.

I've behaved like an asshole, much worse than what I intended. By the time I realised I was missing him it was already too late.

It didn't help that work picked up pace and I had to leave Bangkok for two weeks.

Besides, what can I offer to him or anyone? A hidden relationship, always aware of stalker fans and press? I couldn't even follow his social media or interact with him publicly.

I don't know if what I can offer is worth anything but I wanted to offer it anyway and I think I missed my opportunity.

It's my turn, let's do this, I tell myself while I prepare to go on stage. And then, when I'm there presenting my first song, I see him.

He's looking at me differently, there's no warmth in his eyes. I don't want to be affected but I am a bit shaken, I laugh with the fans a bit and buy a few more seconds of time, then I start singing Loop.

At some point I realised I'm directing the lyrics to him, I need to tell him all that, I need him to understand.

I search for him again, he's still there, at least he hasn't left yet, but he's still like frozen and his gaze is cold.

I put all my feelings in the song and then when it finishes I hear a loud cheer but he's standing still without clapping or shouting.

"That's well deserved" I think to myself. I thank everyone and get down to backstage but I don't want to lose track of where he is. I ask my manager to look for him and let me know if he leaves.

I have to say hello to many people so I'm a bit fidgety but my manager keeps sending me updates on Bible's whereabouts.

When I've done enough socialising, I change my clothes quickly and put a mask and a cap. People can still recognise me but perhaps it would take a bit longer.

My manager says Bible is heading out towards the SkyTrain stop. I rush after him, without running, until I see the next train is coming and then I really run to enter the wagon almost at the same time as him, but by a separate door.

There's quite a few people inside, and it takes some time for me to get to him, apologising and squeezing between -mostly- unfriendly passengers in my way.

- Bible. At last I find you. Please hear me out - I blurted out.

Bible looks at me with big eyes over his mask, surprised. I hate trapping him like this but I need him to speak to me, I can't stand anymore leaving so many things unsaid inside me.

I'm fine with him thinking I'm an asshole, I admit it and it's closer to reality than the ideal image of me he had before. But I haven't had the opportunity to tell him what I think and feel for him.