fanboy

Cold feet

After our date at Jeff's house, I spent the next two days in a daze, daydreaming about Jeff. He sent me a good night message the following day but he hasn't even seen the next messages I've sent.

Going two, three days without interacting with Jeff is bringing me bad memories. I check social media only to stumble across Jeff's latest photoshoot with his screen partner.

He looks so good I want to cry. Then the fears start creeping up. What am I playing at? I'm just a normal guy, and he's Jeff Satur, the star.

Deep down, I don't trust myself with Jeff, I don't want to see him, he's going to hurt me again. These are thoughts that keep appearing in my brain, even when I try to suppress them, like boiling water pushing the lid of the pan, and spilling all over.

***

Day four after Jeff's date. He must be very busy still. I take a break from social media to focus on my studies instead.

***

Day six. Jeff has sent some texts to me, just wishing me a good day or night. He's busy filming a new series. I don't answer because I don't know how I feel yet.

***

Day eight.

It's the weekend, so I have a lazy morning with Grey, I read for a while something not related to my studies - at last - and finally get up to cook some breakfast.

Someone is at the door, I go open it and he's there.

Jeff is standing in front of me with a pair of americanos from the coffee shop at the corner, dressed informally in t-shirt and jeans.

- Hi - says Jeff.

This time he doesn't look like he is just wanting to leave the coffees and go.

- Hi. Do you want to come in? - I say after an awkward pause.

He nods with a smile and comes in, takes his shoes off and enters my world as if he owns it.

His photos are not there anymore, I never put them back. My desk still looks kinda empty and sad. I see him scanning the room, registering the changes.

Grey comes to say hello, he really likes Jeff, who squats to give him some cuddles. Then Jeff brings the coffees to the table, takes a seat and hands me my americano.

- Here. Drink before it gets cold - he says.

I am speechless, I didn't expect him coming to my apartment, I don't know how to react, because the last time he was here...  That happened and was amazing but then he made it feel all wrong

I can't stand the intensity, I pick my  coffee and turn around to face the kitchen to continue what I was doing.

- I'm making breakfast, do you want some too? I say, breaking some eggs in a bowl.

I hear Jeff say "sure". I start cooking and it's calming my mind, I guess Jeff is gathering his thoughts too.

- How have you been these days? I'm sorry I didn't have more time for you, we are shooting from 5 am to 9 pm or later everyday.

I say nothing, I know his schedule is crazy. But I'm a bit fed up of understanding everything.

- I've missed you... And I'm still waiting for your answer, very excitedly waiting, Bible - he says, his voice going soft with the last words.

I just hum, not rushing to answer. I finish cooking breakfast, serve it and  sit across Jeff.

- I don't know, Jeff, I don't know if I can trust you - I start - and you're a star and I'm just a normal guy, so removed from you.

Jeff face changes instantly.

We eat in silence, I don't know what else to say, so I say nothing.

When both plates are empty (I note that Jeff has finished it all), I turn around to put them in the sink.

Then I feel Jeff's arms around me, around my waist, his nose nuzzling the hair over my ear.

- You're not just a normal guy... You're my fanboy. You made me notice you in the crowd. Made me want to know you better.

My hands freeze and I feel  goosebumps, Jeff smells amazing and it's interfering with ability to think clearly.

His hand tucks my hair behind my ear, and he starts kissing and biting my neck softly.

- You're feeling it to, right? It's not just me... - he whispers.

He slides his hands down my arms until they hold my wrists. His mouth is eating my neck, getting hungrier by the minute and I feel it directly in my groin.

Now one of his hands is holding my wrists while the other comes under my t-shirt, his fingertips brushing over my abs. More goosebumps.

- Bible... If you're upset, tell me, yell at me... - he says in a soft voice - but please don't reject me.