fanboy

You made a mistake

Bible looks at me without a hint of warmth in his eyes.

- Why are you doing this, Jeff? - he says, and I focus on the rim of his eyes getting redder.

- I know I've been an asshole and I'm awfully late, but I never got to tell  you what I think of you, what I feel, Bible - I say and I begin to notice the people around us becoming interested in our conversation.

Bible is not minding the surroundings.

- Yes, you're an asshole, Jeff, exactly as you said you were. What does it matter what you think of me or what you feel now?

I'm agreeing with him, he's right. He doesn't owe me an opportunity to explain myself, I'm too late.

I think about his words and I feel heartbroken. Like I'm arriving to the  station only to see that the last train is already gone.

I can't help it, I break and I start crying.

- I'm sorry Bible. It took me too long to get my thoughts together, to realise I want to be with you, even if I can't offer you much - I say, sobbing.

There is a whistle and then we arrive to a station, people around us are ready to get out and the flow pushes us together.

I somehow get Bible to stand by by the wall, between the door and the seats, and I try to shield him from the  others.

I'm still crying, but I am not sobbing anymore, tears are filling my eyes and I can't see well. I start rummaging my pockets for a tissue.

The train choses that moment to  leave the station and I stumble towards Bible. He holds my upper arms to steady me and I feel electricity passing through us.

- I made a mistake Bible. Please let me make it up to you - I say, wanting to hug him, needing to give and receive comfort.

Bible looks up, he has tears in his eyes too.

- Yes, you made a mistake. You thought you could come to me now, beg me a bit and I will be ok with it? I'm not okay Jeff.

I nod, tears falling nonstop. I steadied myself. Bible is not touching me anymore and I'm still being a human shield for him, trying to shield us also from prying eyes.

I take my phone from my pocket, look for his number and show him the messages I've been sending him all this time.

- It's not now... I've been trying to tell you... But I know I was too late - I say, handing him the phone.

Bible has my phone in his hands and he's scrolling the thread of messages I sent to him in the last months. At some point I understood I was blocked but I continued sending them nonetheless as a way of communicating with Bible in my head.

A lone tear is falling on Bible's cheek and it gives me hope that he still has feelings for me.

I graze the back of his free hand with my fingers.

- Unblock me. Let me pursue you. Test me. For as long as you want. Please - I say.

Bible starts crying, his shoulders moving up and down, and his beautiful eyes are full of tears. I fight the urge of hugging him.

He gives me back my phone and he says:

- I will unblock you. But I need time to think about all this.

I'm so happy to hear those words, again I want to hug him tight but I settle for touching his hand ever so slightly.

He's looking over my shoulder.

- Our stop is here - says Bible. He wants to dry his eyes so I offer him a tissue that he accepts.

My heart is warming up again.

***

We don't talk after we get out of the train, and we separate our ways near Bible's house. We've both calm down after shedding all those tears and I feel better than I've felt in weeks.

When I get home I go to my studio to write down a song that I have in my head, a song for Bible.