Forbidden

Chapter thirty-one

Song for the chapter: Taylor Swift-Blank Space

*****

By the time I wake up I remember everything.. and I've locked myself in the bathroom as I cry under the shower with heavy sobs and sniffling loudly, while the water has run cold, leaning my head on my bent knees. I wasn't crying because I didn't enjoyed it. I cried because I did and can't stop thinking of myself as something that he only used or wanted to humiliate me because I was so easily persuaded. The fact that I've never felt the need to do that with anyone before but permit him to get what he wanted was hurting me so bad. It will stay imprinted in my brain forever, and I can't take it back.. A part of me belongs to him and if that's not disturbing then I don't know what is. I've let the one who captured me see my vulnerable part that was saved for someone who deserves it. I know people do this on a regular basis but not with the gang leader who hurts them and holds them against their will. What would anyone think if they knew?

As I'm staring at the shower wall I can't explain myself where the feeling came to want him near me like that. Maybe because I'm mostly staying with him, or I need human warmth.. And I'm in a damn different state where I don't know anyone besides this gang.

After trying to wash away the filth I felt, I grab a pair of clothes and hastily put them on.

The feeling of stupidness of me allowing that subsided when I hear shouts.

I recognize Zayn's voice. 'Of course you would.' My subconscious slyly said and I do everything in me not to cry out in frustration or slap myself. So I won't pity myself further, because honestly what has happened has happened and I can't turn back time nor do I know if I would want to change it.. 'God stop. Stop with this way of thinking.' I snap at myself, pacing around.

What I did was wrong, beyond repair. I can't believe I let him see me, let alone touch my like that. Where went my shyness or the logical part of my brain? What was I thinking honestly? What summoned me that I thought it was okay to let him touch me like that? Then I remember that I wasn't thinking at all or not clearly.

I don't know if I can look him in the eyes after that. Would he be all smug? I can't stop the new tears from falling while I wipe them furiously but they kept coming. This was out of my hands, I'm not used to this, I don't know how to ignore it, or not be awkward around him now.

As I was having an inner panic attack I hear Liam shout and then run to the living room downstairs because I knew Alice was there too.

And she was, even trying to calm Zayn and Liam down who were arguing in the middle of the hall.

"Liv." she smiled. That makes Zayn briefly look my way, I notice that he is riled up, his hands in fists and scowl that soon disappeared though while Liam clenched his jaw when he trailed his gaze on me.

Luckily Alice walks to me and hugs me, I hug her back.

"Why are you crying Liv?" she asked quietly and pulled away running her hands up and down my arms reassuringly. I notice Zayn listening to us intently even if he didn't look our way."What happened?" she whispered worry written on her face.

Sighing heavily I shake my head not wanting to talk at all wiping my eyes, I must look like a mess. She sighs and guides me back upstairs, I try to ignore Zayn's stare the best I can but still I glance at him because I can't help it can I? He looked the same as ever, even averting his eyes back to Liam now talking calmly.

+

Alice tried to make me tell her anything but I couldn't. At last she respected my will to not talk at all, I literally didn't mutter a single word. It's not that she would judge me it's because I wanted to forget that ever happened.