Losing my Religion (nyo Fruk)

1

From the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.' 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

A verse of many that has been repeated to me and my classmates. For years even. "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination... Leviticus 18:22... is a gentle reminder to us all that we must always put the words of god first. Our god says homosexuality is a sin...therefore, those who partake are sinners."

This conversation always made me uncomfortable for some reason.

"We must always remember that on silly months...like now, in June. We see the devil around the corner, tempting us. The devil is looking to pull more people into the depths of hell, using pride... but dear children, we must be strong...for we have god on our side."

The bell rang and signalled that the class day was over.

"Now! Class is dismissed; we will see everyone for mass on Sunday... don't forget to attend your club activities!" My teacher reminded us. I was on the swim team, and it was one of my favourite things I looked forward to after school. I had many friends who I got along with, and some who I liked. Well...' like' was an understatement...I just thought they were really pretty.

Yes...really pretty girls. Anyone with eyes could see that they embodied the feminine body. They were so beautiful. "FRANCINE! Stop day dreaming and come on! We will be late!"

...

I remember a bit of the time I was in a boarding school. I was there year-round because my brother thought it would be wise for me. He wanted me to grow up to be a good catholic girl. I would Marry a nice catholic boy, live a good life, and be a mother. I didn't mind it. Being religious wasn't the reason I wanted to move far away.

My brother's plan wasn't the reason either.

I am still, very religious and will follow the word of god till the end of time.

The reason I left, was because of THE incident.

Well, that doesn't sound very clear.

It was traumatizing, to say the least, but it has influenced me to ensure I had a better relationship with god. I didn't want to let my brother down again. I refuse to.

So, it was my idea to leave. To move to Greece for University. It was far from my family and would help me stay focused. I will be attending the University of Athens this upcoming year. I was lucky that there was a small Catholic society on campus that I wanted to join and be part of. It was the only way for me to stay focused.

My brother was against me leaving so far away; first, he thought it would be easier for me to stay in France. So he could pair me up with a good catholic man, and it be over with. But...not only was I still embarrassed from the entire incident, I don't think I was ready to marry. I knew it would come eventually, which was my life plan, but, I wasn't ready.

The thought of being with a man, having children with a man, and doing the forsaken deed, made me sick. My entire life, I hated the idea of sex because it was a sin. So, picturing myself doing that, with a man, made me nauseous.

I don't think I was the only woman who felt this way. I truly believe that deep down, all women don't truly like the idea of being with a man. I mean, how could they? Women had way more qualities than a man ever could. It was sad that I had to be born a female, not a male.

However, that is a silly thought! I love myself! Just the way god created me! I was only upset that I wouldn't be able to experience the way a man could love a woman. I was curious about it. But no...

I was cursed to experience love with a man. And believe me; it isn't as if I'm clueless about all men. My older brother Louis has tried to match me before. It was so it would be possible to meet my future husband at a young age. However, every single one of them was terrible. Maybe it was my brother choosing one I didn't have chemistry with, but every single one failed. 

I wanted the path my brother wanted, but at this point, I was doomed to be alone forever. It was like, I couldn't make a connection with a man. After the sex education course I had, it only made me more terrified to be with one. I had gone so many years around women, that I didn't care to look at a man a certain way. Believe me, it didn't help either when my friends back home would show me a picture of a "cute" boy they had in their magazines, and I absolutely thought it was horrifying!

I mean, how could any woman find a man attractive?! Maybe it was one of life's mysteries. Women were doomed to bare the responsibility of being with a man that lacked character and beauty. Women were so much more alluring. But...I couldn't say that out loud. People would get the wrong idea. And I certainly wanted to avoid people thinking that way about me.

The good thing was, I wouldn't be alone during this new transition. I reached out to the catholic society, and I was set up with two girls who would help guide me through everything. We were meeting at the university, and taking a small trip to one of the lovely islands of Greece for a few days, before classes begin. I was so excited to leave my comfort zone! Maybe I could try something new!