Losing my Religion (nyo Fruk)

17

Two weeks later

It wasn't that I was in love.

It wasn't that I was rebelling against everything I had ever known.

It was something else.

It was a brush of curiosity mixed with the longing for something new.

It had nothing to do with outside forces...it was only me.

First, I wanted to try makeup. It was hard initially, but I had a natural talent for painting my face. I looked at pictures from magazines mixed with inspirational photos from women of the sixties. Their bold makeup looks the way Alice would do hers at times. I did not have a phone, so I would go to the library and use the computers or any magazines they had stored.

Then, with some money my brother had sent me long ago...I bought an outfit. An outfit that I wanted! My brother always bought or picked out clothes for me, so they were never flattering. However, I was going to pick out something I wanted. It was one outfit, but I knew it would really show the real me.

This weekend was the church celebration, and I planned to wear the outfit there. I was not trying to make a scene, just to show what a little bit of individuality and freedom can do for someone. The dress needed to be a mix of me...the me that no one at home or my church bothered to know. It needed to be mixed with modesty...because I still thrived on the knowledge that I would be considered modest.

My brother picked the same colour for me to wear all the time. It had to be blue with long sleeves, length to the knees or lower, and a loose fit with no shape at all. I was tired of it! I was tired of all of it.

I like the colour purple. It had to be purple...with a silky feeling, or maybe with a slit. It was perfect, so I did my best to find something like that, with also...a touch of fittedness.

The Bible says that women should wear their hair long and modestly. It was so to seem attractive and groomed, of course, but I wouldn't say I liked it. I always wanted my hair shorter—nothing crazy, but something shorter than the waist length I had.

So, I cut it...

"Francine...what are you doing?"

"It is too hot for this much hair!" I spoke.

Madeline watched me, worried, and I held the scissors up to my hair. Clutching a huge portion of it. I planned to cut it below my shoulders. I was tired of having waist-long hair. Nothing against people who have it...(Alice) but it wasn't for me.

"But you spoke highly of your hair-"

Then snip...

I cut a piece off before she could finish her sentence. I had long, thick hair, and it was time to get rid of some of it. Maybe one day I might want to go shorter; who knows?

I wouldn't see Alice until the event this weekend, which was fine. I needed to prepare myself for anything that could happen mentally. The three of them were my guests, including my brother, who was flying in the morning and staying in a hotel.

Anyway, I would be reciting a Bible verse of my choosing. They told me I needed to pick one that best reflects me and how it would help me get through the stressful time of being in University. I picked a perfect one; I was sure everyone would love it.

It was a verse speaking of love. I felt that it expressed my feelings now how I adored Alice. Although it would be wrong for me to tell everyone during the service that I was in love with a woman, I felt this was the easiest way to tell people that I was in love. I badly wanted everyone to know I was in love, but I was terribly scared.

I will get on that stage, in front of everyone, and speak about how I have been this semester. I want to talk about how some aspects confused me, but I found comfort with the people around me. My roommate, Madeline, who was always kind to me. Her sister, who never failed to make me laugh, and my sisters at the Catholic society, who have guided me well into this scary transition. I will also speak for Alice...who is the opposite of me but, in a weird sense, my better half.

So, Corinthians 13:4-5: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.

They were all the aspects I wanted to keep reminding myself of as I continued this transition. I know it is not much, but I hoped that within time, I could be more comfortable than I am now. Maybe? or would that be a stretch? Am I hopeful thinking? Or maybe it was fine to think this way, hopefully. I don't believe that it is my fault, after all, to think hopefully.

Oh, my shortcake!

I am losing it, I think.

My eyes widened as I stared at myself in the mirror. I had been standing naked, only in my undergarments. They weren't flattering at all and made me embarrassed. I could not believe I dared to show myself naked to Alice in these ugly things. I was sure that she was probably laughing at me in her head. This was my last straw...I could not take it any longer. I was tired of all of these ugly clothes!

I was going to shop for brand-new panties WITH a matching bra. A set! it could be red! Or is that too scandalous? I always felt that getting your first pair of matching panties with a bra meant that you were grown up. That was all I wanted to be, grown up. I will get the matching set of my dreams! And if Alice were to see them somehow...it couldn't be too bad. Not that I was thinking of getting a set she'd like.

But...I was also thinking about it...