Losing my Religion (nyo Fruk)

8

As I lay in my bed, I looked up at the ceiling, feeling shocked with myself. The devil showed...and I failed. I had sinned...for the first time in a very long time. It only made me remember why I needed to stay focused. I didn't want people to get the wrong idea!

This was just educational. She was teaching me about myself, and I learned more than I had ever learned in a long time. Right? That was the critical part.

When I was younger...something terrible happened.

It was the reason I moved.

NO! I can't let it get me down!

"Oh...raspberry tarts..." I whispered to myself.

I continued to look up at the ceiling, thinking of Elizabeth. Thinking of her voice, the way she smirked at me. The way she would bat her eyelashes at me. It made me want to scream. It was moments like this, where I believed that no woman could ever find a man attractive.

How could they?

When there were women like Elizabeth walking around, it would be hard to focus on men. It wasn't like I liked women the way a man should. That wasn't it at all! I would never let myself feel that way! Or even consider it. People like that are sinners...

Well...people like...

Elizabeth...

"Grrrr..." I groaned, holding myself. I only wanted to be her friend! To guide her down the right path! I have only known her briefly, but I wanted to learn more. The feeling she gave me, physically threw me across my room.

The image of her smile, forever, burned into my brain.

I closed my eyes briefly, taking a deep breath, feeling unrelieved. Something was wrong with me, and I didn't know what it was. It was...

From...

Thinking about it wasn't very pleasant.

What is this feeling? It made my body hot, and uncomfortable. I needed to, relieve myself almost.

I kept my eyes closed as I began to inch my hand toward my private part. Why didn't my church tell me about...about this part of my body? I would have never known it existed without anyone telling me anything.

She said women get orgasms by massaging this part. What would an orgasm feel like?

I remembered what the part felt like, where she showed me where it was. Then, once I had my finger rested on that part, I didn't do anything. I kept hearing the words 'sin' running through the back of my mind.

This is for educational reasons, so it couldn't be a sin. I was trying to understand myself more. So, I took a deep breath and began to touch myself.

First, when I started, it was slow and felt good. It felt better than I could have ever imagined. Elizabeth stayed in my thoughts, as if I were thanking her for giving me this new insight.

Then, as I felt my body, my mind grew more excited, and I began to do it faster, and it felt intense. My eyes closed still as I rested my left hand against the bed.

I could feel my heartbeat and breathing increase as my brain tried to comprehend everything I was feeling for the first time. When I breathed in, I would gasp every so often as I continued to massage myself.

Then, it had gotten to the point, where I was at the peak of this feeling. It felt so good that I could hear myself breathing heavily. "Ahhh..."

I continued.

Elizabeth...she didn't teach me how to do it, only gave me a base. The base that is taking me so far into this euphoric feeling. She, she was amazing! She was all I could think about.

Her smile, her beautiful hair. She had a pretty voice, and an odd sense of humour that was almost...attractive? That was the best word I could come up with for how I thought of it.

Images of her naked body stood out to me. It lingered in my mind as if my brain had taken a picture of her and had taken a picture of her staring right back at me. It was an overwhelming feeling that made me feel good. I liked her staring at me.

"Ahhh..."

My eyes opened wide as I thought about what I had done.

I suddenly felt a mixture of pleasure and horror as I thought of what happened. How could I?

How could I have been easily influenced to sin? I thought I was stronger than that, but, I was wrong.

I looked up to my ceiling, too stunned to speak. I moved my hand away from my body and lay flat across the bed. I was shaking... Yes, it felt good for a moment, but now, I felt like I had betrayed my religion only because I was curious! I felt like I wanted to cry over this. I had betrayed everything I had known; what was wrong with me?

And for what?

Curiosity?

Educational reasons?

For...

That girl?

I feel pathetic! I don't ever want to see her again. She was the actual devil in disguise. She must have been! Why else would she have easily tempted me? There was no other answer to this, besides her being the devil.

I will go to confession and say what I have done, but I don't think I could ever tell anyone about this...not a soul.

Elizabeth was a dangerous woman to be around. I should have known from the colour of her eyes. It had deceit deep inside of her beautiful green orbs.

I felt my face drop, thinking of what I thought. "How could I?...." I paused as the image of her flew across my mind. "How could I...call her the devil? She...she doesn't know better..."

Even with the sin I had seen in her. Despite everything I had done, I still hated myself for calling her the devil. She didn't tempt me...I tempted myself, and I was too scared to accept it. Elizabeth...she was an angel. If god intended us to meet, she must be.

She must be an angel sent from god. She was sent to make everything better, and what I do with the information she gives me, is on myself. However, now, I think I would be too nervous to see her again. It somehow was easier to do this, thinking about her. That couldn't mean anything, though, right?