Weirdo (Ruikasa)

Part11

I have thousand thoughts in my head right now. One of them is screaming: don't cry, other one is saying that I'm fucking idiot, there is one also showing Nene's sad face full of tears and many more. They all get so loud and so annoying that my head starts to hurt really badly. I see my Rui talking to me, but I can't hear his voice. All these words in my head are so loud. I move my head a little and I see Emu comforting Nene (as she should). Now I'm even more mad at myself than before.

"Fucking god shut up" After saying these word they all looked at me really shocked. Well saying that out loud didin't help to calm my thoughts at all. It did complete opposite. Words and insults were just getting even louder than before. My head hurts so bad. Fuck. It starts to hurt even more every second. SHIIT I CAN'T TAKIE IT ANY MORE. "shut up, shut up, shut up,  shut up" at first I'm mumbling but later I start talking louder. "Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT THE GOD DAMN SHUT UP, SHUT UP, S.H.U.T.U.P. ...shut up Tsukasa" YEAH I BROKE. I'm crying now. My heart hurts si bad, I don't wabt ti be here si bad.

I look up and they all look like they saw a ghost. What is wrong with the- oh. Oh no. My vision blursa and I'm trembling. Shit. Shit. My etes already gurt from crying. I mean, I knew I said that outloud but I forgot they were standing LITERALLY IN FRONT OF ME. The worts lart is I was trying to not make them notice me crying, but it didin't work out well...

"Tsukasa..." I hear Emu's voice. I feel their eyes on me. Nene is so confused, actually everyone is. You can see so many emotions on their faces. But I know one thing for sure, they are all mad at me. And I'm not even schocked I mean y'all saw what I did. I can't even control my words.

I see Emu standing up, and coming my way. What the hell is she doing? She came really close and hugged me.
...Damn. Hug never felt so good in my life (exept that one time when Saki hugged me when she was 6). SINCE WHEN HUGS FEEL SO GOOD?! Exept of warm feeling I can feel something else. Me crying again. Hugs got magical power or something, that makes you really emotional. And I'm crying again, harder than before. And then I remind myself again what have I done to Nene and everyone. Damn it...

"FUCK, FUCK I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY I AM, I REALLY AM. I WILL DO ANYTHING JUST PLEASE PLEASE... don't ruin our group again, and again because of me." I started desperatly asking for forgivness. Rui and Nene really didin't kniw what to do right now. They froze in one place glaring at me.

I feel so bad. I never should say that to Nene. I never should say anything. Every time I open my goddamn mouth I ruin something. I ruin everything.

"I don't quite understand Tsukasa-" Rui started, but I interrupted him.
"I KNOW I KNOW it is all my fault. I just- I just don't have idea what I'm doing. I never wanted to day that really believe me...please believe me."
Now I'm talking like I'm fucking insane. "How can I repay you this." I looked at Nene. AND NOW I'M CRYING AND I'M ATENTION ATRACETER. I made Nene cry, and what? I'm crying and making it as I'm the victim. That is pathetic.

"I...I I'm sorry Tsukasa" She satrted crying. "I'm sorry I couldn't kiss Rui I'm sorry"
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GOD DAMN KISS, I NEVER DID CARE!" They all looked at me exept of Emu 
"Tsukasa can I kindly ask you something. What the actual fuck is happening" Wow i never thought I'll ever hear Rui curse. But to answer his question, I HAVE NO IDEA. "I DIDN'T KNOW DAMMIT. I- I DIDIN'T CONTROL THAT. I NEVER WANTED IT TO END UP LIKE THIS. Seriously... I'm so sorry, i know you may not forgive me but please." Please... I looked at Nene again. "It is not your fault, I can't tell you what to do. It is all my fault" It went quite. Nobody knew what to say, and nobody wanted to say anything.

"I...It hurt Tsukasa"  Nene said" I want to forgive you but..."
"I know...you don't have Nene, I'm sorry again." I answered
Well it is bad, but at least she stopped

...

We all packed our bags, took off costumes, and get ready to go home.
"It was really rude Tsukasa"
"I know Emu..."
"It's fine Tsukasa just if you ever hurt Nene again I will punch you in face!"
I laughed.

I saw Nene walking alongside us.
"You should..." Emu said.
"I know."
I walked up to her and started explaining.
"You really didin't deserve that Nene, I know I'm saying this again but I'm sorry. Fuck I messed uo so badly didin't I" She looked at me analysing my face and not saying anything, like sge was trying to guess if I'm telling the truth.
"I didin't want you guys to kiss... I lied to myself that I want it to happen, and somehow it turned out that way...heh." I continued not trying to crack my voice again.
"Tsukasa...I can't. Just give me sometime...please. It was really something. I didin't know you can be like this." Yeah that is understable. I hurt her really badly "You are and Idiot." She added after a second. Wait. WHATTT. HOW COULD SHE- Okay wait she is right. "I know" I answered.

GUYS IT TOOK SO LONG AND SORRY BUT I DIDIN'T HAD IDEAS FOR THIS SHIT AT ALL. SORRY IF THIS CHAPTER SUCKS, AND ISN'T ANGSTY ENOUGHT BUT I PROMISE YOU FUTURE CHAOTERS WILL BE BETTER. And I think I will take break of writing bc I got thousands of exams and when I wrote this it was nice that why it is kinda cringey prolly. Sorry again it took so long but I'm lazy 😍.