I Might Set Fire to This Later

⭐️ I dont write here often anymore.

Tuesday Sept. 27th 11:30pm
Navy blue ~ the story so far
I'm sorry for the way I am, to
anyone reading this. I'll definitely be embarrassed if anyone reads this but I'm not taking this down because at some point I want to come back and read over this and maybe it will just be a memory. maybe I'll laugh. I hope I do.

I don't write here often anymore. I wish I did but I don't.
I have nothing going for me at all. It's been this way for so long and I've never met anyone who has felt bad to this extent before and I'm convinced I never will and I am completely alone and will be forever.
I don't have any interests in anything, my head hurts every day, I'm tired no matter how much sleep I get, I can't relate to anyone or anything anymore, I don't like watching tv, reading, playing video games, sleeping, being awake, I am on the brink of a panic attack all the time even though I am on Prozac, my appetite has been super low and I don't eat as often even if I'm hungry, I don't brush my teeth, hair or shower often, I don't have a job, I'm not in high school anymore because I graduated this summer with a 2.8 gpa after having good grades and gpa's for every year other than my senior year which was inconveniently the most important year which I fucked up completely, I walk around feeling like a robot or a zombie, I have absolutely no one to talk to and all my (3 ish) friends have moved on with their life because I had to be kept in online school while they hung out together in school with their other friends and then eventually went on to college and left me behind.
I hate this so much and I'm so scared and I'm so angry and I can't seem to stop crying at night but during the day I can't cry at all and I've never felt pain quite like this ever. No one should have to feel like this. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm so fucking sad it hurts so much every single day and I can't make it stop. It's always there, I just don't notice it sometimes when I'm distracted. My mom thinks I am doing better than I was when I was off medication but I'm so unwell it's ridiculous and it's not fair that she thinks that and it makes me so angry.

I don't know what I'm going to do once my parents die and I have to be a real adult. I'm only 18 but every day I feel so bad seeing all these people my age going off to college or moving out and having jobs when I still live here. I know it's completely normal for someone my age to live at home still but I'm afraid of ever leaving. That's the problem. I don't ever want to go but when my parents die it's like I have to. I mean, I was told my sister and I would get the house but what makes it a home after that happens? I don't want to get married, I don't want kids or pets so what do I do? There's no way I won't be alone after my parents are gone. Who will I have? I don't have any friends anymore, my sister will definitely have her own life, and I don't talk to any of my other family members much. I have my cousins and if I talked to them they would care but what could they do? They would be adults but I would be too and I am not their responsibility. Especially as the oldest granddaughter. I have to take care of myself but how do I do that? I'm so afraid that I will never know.