I Might Set Fire to This Later

Help

I don't know what to do. It has been a while since I have wrote and to be honest, I don't think I am even writing to anyone. Is anyone actually listening?

I guess it doesn't matter in the long run.

Today is 6/21/20
We are about 3 or 4 months into coronavirus quarantine and I feel like I am going insane. It is absolutely NOT desirable and I hate anyone and everyone who romanticizes it.

I am slowly getting out of a depressive state. I am not the type to be depressed. I have never been diagnosed because I don't show any symptoms of being depressed so I have been told I am not. I'm not depressed but the medication I am on for my anxiety makes me feel like I am.

It makes me so tired. Other times it gives me morbid thoughts that I blurt out to everyone and other times i don't have any feelings or opinions on anything at all.

You remember my friend D, right?

I know her very well and know that she suffers with anxiety and depression daily, it's clear to see. That's okay though, she deals with it very well. I don't know how she does it.

Anyway, about a week ago I got a worrying text from her. I think you know what kind of text I mean.
It was at exactly 11:20 at night.

I feel like I said something wrong.

I don't know how to deal with peoples feelings and I feel even worse when I say that I feel nothing. No empathy, no sympathy...
Im not an asshole though. I just can't... feel... you know? I promise I don't want to be like this but I understand why you may think of me as a terrible person.

I eventually talked her out of doing what she was going to do and everything seemed to go well.
I checked in on her in the morning and she said she was doing better. I was happy for her and told her I would check in from time to time just to make sure.

That was the last time I heard from her.

I keep texting her.

I keep getting nothing. Not even a "Seen"

I don't know what to do.
Was it my fault?
I hate myself for this.
Maybe I'm overthinking it.
She is the type to reply to a message a while later but it has been a few days now.

I think I'm going to get off of my medication.

I don't know if that will make me feel better or worse but I'll do anything to feel empathy again.

I did something wrong.

I don't know if I should tell anyone.

What if it's just a false alarm.

What the fuck do I do?

She was my best friend.

I should have said more.

I am really not doing well.
I think I need help.
But help from who?

There's no way in hell I am telling my parents about my problems.

Someone please help me