Five Words

Chapter 30

~Ace

Two years earlier...

It is unbearable. Every second worse than the last. I hate it. I hate it all. I am gasping for the air she stole from me, every second of every day. I have been right all along about how if I lost her, my whole life would fall apart. And it did. I lost my best friend, my girlfriend, my lover, my smile, and the air I breathe. All because of her.

Flashbacks are coming back to me. One by one, each holds a very drastic, heartbreaking memory. The worst part is I can't do anything about it now. I've wished if they hadn't come back. It's not like I can help myself now. It's too late. Yet, I am left with these useless horrible images are on repeat in my mind as a punishment. I ask myself every day, what did I do to deserve all of this?

That guy I saw. The one I see smirking at me every time I close my eyes. He ruined Sarah. He destroyed her. And I don't even know who he is. I have never seen her with him, and I don't remember ever inviting him to her surprise party. Hell, I don't even know his name. A person who I never knew existed, his picture is now carved in my brain 24/7.

Now that all I do is stay in my cell most of the day. I do nothing but think about all the events and connecting them together. I have thought hard about everything. The chronological order of the events, the words she said to him, the reasons for blaming me for hurting her.

He will pay you, she said.

I will double it, she pleaded further.

Well, she has definitely been on this, of course not the rape, but the whole plan of locking me up in juvie. And the guy who raped her was too, but he wasn't the only one, some other guy too.

But who is he? Or what does he want from me? What will he gain from me being in the detention center? And why? Why me?

I mean Sarah. I don't know shit about the other guy, but why would she do that to me? Haven't she had moments of weaknesses? What about all our feelings? The nights we spent together? The words we said to each other? The promises? The hugs? The kisses? The ring? Our love? How didn't it mean anything to her? How could she fake everything so professionally?

Whenever I look back on that day, I remember how broken she has been. The way I cradled her figure between my arms, the way she cried. What was all that about?

I know that I should firmly believe that she hasn't loved me not even for one millisecond. But my heart tries to make sense of all her actions. My heart wants to believe that she didn't want this for me. It searches for moments with her, when she might've not wanted to do this.

Reality is she stuck with the plan anyway, whether she ever had moments of doubt or not.

And here I am. In a cell. All alone. Because of her.

Fuck.

You.

Sarah Keyes.

_________

The lock of my cell clicks and I quickly close my journal and hide it under my pillow. Since I am considered a sex offender, I was taken to a therapist to talk to him about what 'supposedly' I have done. He is supposed to find out the reason behind my actions, and after I told him my story, he advised me to write all that I'm feeling in a journal and just not pile up all the negative feelings I have. I like to believe that he believes me, but I can never be sure of that.

The guards around here make jokes about that. They're bored and are searching for something to entertain them. So when they see my journal, they make fun of me, calling me a little girl or whatever. I couldn't care any less, but I try to avoid them as much as possible.