Five Words

Chapter 51

~Ace

My hands are shaking uncontrollably, but I don't stop writing. This is what I am supposed to be feeling. It is what I feel.

I am finally leaving France and heading to Australia with Eric. I would finally get my own life away from everyone. A new fresh start without my dark past coming back to haunt me. I have built the courage to tell my mom the truth about everything, and I did it on paper. I left her a letter in her hotel room, on the nightstand. I understand how devastated she will be, but when she goes back to Washington, she will forget the pain I have caused her and she will be with the love of her life. It pains me to leave her, but she will understand that I did this for her. For her to be happy with him, because I will never be able to forgive him or live with him or talk to him, or hell, even look at him. I know that she will be happier this way. I will be better this way. I will feel way happier when I get away from Cher. These complications will all fade away, and I'm sure that once I meet other girls I will be attracted to them just like I was attracted to Cher and I will forget about everything that happened with her. What we have is purely physical and I am sure that she is confused. Her feeling of ambivalence is normal since she hasn't been with anyone except Adrian. And the first guy to show interest in her, she throws herself—

I rip the paper out of the journal and crumble it between my fingers with so much force. I clamp my eyes shut. I can't do this. I can't say that about her. I can't write that. This is not the truth. I toss the paper in the bin. I tear out the previous page and the one before that and the one before that and the one before that. I haven't been writing the truth for a while. If I were to write the truth, I would have to admit it to myself, and I refuse to. I am sure that love comes with the most beautiful memories but the most fucking painful memories too. What happened with Sarah, I will not repeat with Cher. I won't be vulnerable because of my feelings. She isn't worth the hassle.

But she's not Sarah, my subconscious speaks.

"Fuck, all love ends the same."

I'm trying to fix what has been demolished between my parents. She is hurting because she lost her love. I was hurting too, and I still hurt. I don't want to feel this pain with Cher.

"What are you doing?" Eric asks me as he strides into the room, "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry. I know we should've been on the road hours ago, but we will leave in a few. The bus will arrive at the station again in twenty minutes."

We should've left hours ago, from the very beginning of the day. I just couldn't bring myself to let go of Cher and leave when she was sleeping between my arms in peace. She was everywhere around me and I couldn't pick up and leave. I'm not even sure I can do that now.

I enclose my finger tightly around Cher's coin before I close the journal.

"No you fucking dipshit. What are you doing texting me that we are leaving?"

I stand up and place my journal into the bag before zipping it up.

"What do you mean? We're supposed to be leaving. We have that interview on Thursday that we can't miss." I pull the suitcase off the bed and settle it on the floor.

"I thought you've changed your mind, Ace. I thought she has knocked some sense into you."

I frown, "Change my mind? You know that my mom doesn't know anything about the trip."

"Stop with this bullshit. I'm talking about Cher." Eric snaps at me.

I shake my head at him and begin to walk to the bathroom for no apparent reason at all other than to get away from him.

"You think I wouldn't know about the two of you?" He follows me, "I saw you kissing her today morning."

I raise my hand in the air and push his chest back, "I need to use the bathroom."

"You are falling in love with her. What the hell are you still doing trying to leave while you still have a month before you really have to go?" Eric ignores me and pushes the bathroom door open and steps inside.

His words are bothering me. It hurts me to hear those words. I'm not falling in love with her.

"I'm not falling in love with Cher." I enunciate every word between gritted teeth for him to get through his thick skull, "So what if I kissed her this morning? I haven't been with anyone for two years. It was a casual fling that I don't care about."

"A casual fling?" He laughs, "And do you usually hug for about five to ten minutes after you're done?"

"What?" I ask him, "It was a friendly hug, Eric. We're friends, and I'm leaving. I was just saying goodbye."

I couldn't say goodbye. I was too much of a coward to say it and watch her heart break as I ride that bus. I don't want to see the pain consume her because I'll leave.

"When I came here, I expected to see you bored out of your fucking mind. I expected you to be the same lifeless Ace who left for a small trip with his mom. But you've prolonged the trip, delayed our departure flights, and you were holding onto that girl like she is your goddamn lifeline! How the hell are you even considering this anymore?"

Because I can't do this again. If it makes me weak, then I'm fucking weak. No matter what happens, I won't put myself through that pain again. I wouldn't put myself through the same experience again. Maybe it won't happen in the same chronological order and maybe they won't be the same events, but I'm certain that it'll end in the same way, with the same pain, just like all great love stories end.

I push past Eric, not really in the mood to listen to more of his lecture.

"You're a fucking idiot, Ace. If you leave her, you will lose her." He pauses for a second, "She will hate you for giving up on her. She won't forgive you for leaving this way. Is that what you want?"

No. Hell, no. A thousand times no.

"Yes. I don't care about how she feels. She can go and hate me all she wants. She means nothing to me." The words are like bile rising up my throat making me feel sick immediately.

I want to take back every word I said because none of it is true.

"I can't believe you." Eric sighs heavily while he takes a seat on our bed.

Fucking hell? I'm already saying our bed.

"There's madness inside of your head. I can see it and you can see it too. That she's the one that caused it, that she's the one that brought you back, and you're too fucking blind to see it."

"Get out of the room, Eric!" I yell at him. If he doesn't get out of the room, I'll kill him.

"I'll meet you downstairs."

"Fine." He raises his hands in defeat and stands to his feet.

Just before he walks out the door, he turns around and looks at me, disappointment written all over his face.

"You're a fucking idiot, Ace." He says and slams the door behind him.