butterflies // stenbrough

~ Stan ~

"I know you and June kissed." Stan admitted, not able to hold it in any longer. Bill's eyes widened in surprise, then sorrow? Stan never was the best at reading emotion but Bill really did look sad. Every trace of colour drained from his face and all that was left was the shell of a boy. Not even a shell, a ghost. In front of him stood the ghost of boy he once thought he loved, now he wasn't so sure. Sometimes Stan had a tendency to build an image of someone in his mind, and he never knew what to do when that image wasn't replicated in real life. Shutting down was his go to but he promised himself he wouldn't do that anymore, it wasn't good for anyone. Confrontation was a new way to deal with his emotions, an unfamiliar one. Stan didn't like unfamiliar things.
    "I..... Stan......" Bill attempted to piece together a sentence, each word just coming out more desperate than the last. Eventually he just gave up and sulked down onto one of the art chairs.
"Why didn't you tell me? I know you. I know it didn't mean anything, I would have understood Bill." Stan sighed.
"I-I-I....... I don't r-r-rreally know." Bill said, his voice quiet.
    "You don't know? How do you not know? If I was you, I wouldn't stop obsessing over what to do. Any action that I did would have a myriad of thoughts and rationalization behind it. 'Not knowing' wouldn't even be an option. Of course I would have told you, but even if I didn't, I would have a reason why. Because you mean something to me, do I mean anything to you?" Stan just snapped. How come he had been stressing about this ever since he saw them kiss but Bill apparently didn't have a thought in his mind? How come Stan always has to be the one to care more than the other person? Just once, just fucking once, it would be nice for someone to care just as much as he does.
    "Stan th-th-th-that's not it-" Bill started, the words coming out frantic.
    "Then what is it Bill? Please enlighten me."
    "Know it's n-n-n-not you. Please, you mean s-s-so much to me I.... I c-can't even put it into w-w-words. Don't think I d-d-don't care."
    "You keep denying things and telling me that I'm not the problem, but you've still yet to tell me what the fucking issue is! Why didn't you tell me Bill?" Stan unloaded, letting all the anger and resentment from the last few days just roll off his tongue. He didn't even feel bad, screw that, he could feel bad tomorrow.
    "I wanted it to be t-true!" Bill exclaimed. "I wanted to l-l-like her and I wanted her to like me. I wanted a w-white wedding and a white p-picket fence and three k-kids and a perfect typical f-f-future. I know I should have t-t-told you Stan but you can't b-blame me for wanting s-s-something......"
    "Something what?"
    "Something r-realistic." Bill sighed.
    "Realistic? I'm not realistic enough for you?" Stan scoffed.
    "Stan... C'mon you know w-w-what I mean." Bill said.
    "Oh I know exactly what you mean. I'm not a trophy wife with long hair and a pretty dress there to just cater to your every whim and present like a stupid fucking typical suburban family. I suppose there's no place for me in your daydream of being straight." This wasn't the first time Stan had said something like this. This is always how it went, guys always wanted something more, something Stan couldn't give. Everyone dreams of being normal and Stan never fits into that dream. He dreamed too, dreamed a life that wasn't quite as hard as this one, but at least he had the decency to keep it a dream instead of becoming a dick who lets his dreams rule his reality. Hypotheticals have no place in the real world and no place in his life, despite the fact that they always end up there.
"I'm sorry that I w-w-wanted to know if I didn't have to live my life hating m-m-m-myself at every moment! Stan you're a-a-awesome and I l-love being with you, but I don't want this to be my f-future. And I know that it might be but that d-d-doesn't mean I have to want it. " Bill told Stan, his voice heavy.
"Bill this is your future. And there's a decent chance that it's going to be my future too. So you can decide whether you're going to hate yourself for the rest of your life and be miserable for the end of time, or if you want to accept it now so you can spend more time just living? I can't tell you if that hateful feeling ever really goes away, because I still have it too, but it can get a hell of a lot quieter." Stan softened for a moment, still pissed as hell, but he couldn't help but feel for the boy. Three years ago Stan would have said the exact same thing.
"Why? Why does this have to be my f-f-f-future? It's not fair. Why does everybody else get to have a p-p-perfect normal happy life and I have to feel like shit everyday and the one m-moment I find a boy who d-d-doesn't make me feel like shit, all I can think is how can I make it so I like s-someone else? I have p-p-p-perfection staring me in the eye and all my brain wants is for me to h-hate you." Bill's voice came out quiet as tears filled his eyes. "Stan I'm so sorry. You d-d-deserve so much more than someone who's ashamed to be with you. You deserve someone who gets k-kissed and runs to tell you because they couldn't care less about being p-perceived as straight. You deserve someone who couldn't be happier that you're their f-future because anyone would lucky as hell to have you as their future. And I couldn't be s-s-sorrier that right now I am not that person for you. I want to be that p-person for you more than anything but it hard, it is really hard and I don't know if it's ever not g-g-gonna be hard. I don't know why it's so h-h-hard because being with you s-should be easy."
"Bill I have honestly never been happier than when I'm with you. You mean everything to me and I could not be more delighted you are in my life. Which just makes this harder because deep down... I know you're right. I don't want someone who hates our relationship, or curses the fact they ever met me. I know that hate, I have that hate, but for you it is uncontrollable. And I need to be with someone who can control it because it is a poison. Every time you hesitated when we kissed or you cried in the bathroom when you thought I couldn't hear you, a little more of that poison got in me. I have compromised for people my entire life and I think it's time I stop compromising." Every word out of his mouth made Stan just want to break down sobbing, but he stood his ground. He had too.
"D-D-Does this m-mean we're b-breaking up?" Bill asked, his voice shaking.
"I don't want to end everything, consider this a break. I will give you space so you can work on yourself and when you're ready to be not just happy with me, but happy with us, let me know." Stan smiled through the tears because while this was a sad moment, it was also a happy moment. It was a moment not just ending a chapter, but preparing for a new beginning. After all, a good ending is the perfect set up for a great start.

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Long chapter alert! The longest yet maybe?