butterflies // stenbrough

- Bill -

    "Hey Stan?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we t-t-talk?"
    "Tomorrow?"
    "T-T-Tomorrow." And so they went about their day. They talked to the campers, they did the activities on the calendar, they snuck away outside when the campers went to sleep. They had a normal rest of their day. Then, to no one's surprise, tomorrow came. Bill waited until the campers went zip lining for an hour, plenty of time to talk. The cabin was empty except for Bill, and Stan who was reading a book on their bunk. He looked so pleasant, Bill didn't want to bring him down. He thought about talking later or waiting for another day, but he knew his confidence wouldn't allow him to and he'd just keep waiting for another day.
"Hey Stan?"
"Yes?"
"Can we t-t-talk?"
"Of course." Stan put his book down and his expression became a mix of worried and confused. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Um..." Bill played with his hands, interlacing his fingers and running them over his palm. It didn't calm him, if anything it made him more nervous, yet he still did it whenever he began to get anxious. "I was t-t-talking with Beverly, ab-b-bout like......s-s-sexuality."
    "Sexuality?"
    "Yeah, I was t-t-talking about mine and my p-p problems and stuff, and she p-pointed out that we d-d-don't really talk ab-b-bout that stuff." Bill awkwardly said, looking to the floor.
"Would you like to?"
"W-W-Well, yeah." Bill responded.
"Okay." Stan said, his expression unreadable. It took a second for Bill to realize it was an invitation for him to talk.
This was a bad idea Bill couldn't help thinking as he stood, exposed in Stan's expectant eyes. He wanted to talk to Stan about this stuff, but he didn't want to talk to Stan. Why couldn't Stan just guess what his mind meant and create some kind of mutual understanding without Bill actually having to explain any of his feelings?
    "Ab-b-bout it um.... I f-f-feel bad." Bill cursed in his mind as his words mirrored those of a third grader explaining a skinned knee.
    "In what way?" Stan asked.
    "Um......." Bill tried to explain himself but his mind went blank "This w-w-w-was a b-b-bad idea."
    "No, it's good. We should talk about this, it's important I think. Just give yourself a minute to collect your thoughts." Stan said, putting a hand on his arm.
"Well...." Words still floated around in Bill's mind, no full thoughts formed. But Stan's hand helped, it calmed him down. His hands fell to his side, no longer needed to fidget. "Honestly, I only r-r-realized I was um...... g-g-gay like last w-w-week. I had th-th-thoughts for a while but I n-n-never even said the w-w-word until c-camp. How l-long have you kn-n-nown?"
"I personally know when I was younger, I suspected around thirteen and was in the place you're in now when I was fourteen. I had admitted that I was bisexual to myself, but it was still very new and hard to figure out. I'd like to say that I have it figured out now but I would be lying to you."
"Let's p-p-promise not to lie to each oth-th-ther."
"Let's." Stan smiled. "I still feel like that fourteen year old sometimes. It's like I figured out I was queer and then never figured out how to be queer. "
    "Is th-th-there any right w-w-way to be queer?"
    "No, if there is then I'm not sure what it is. But I mean more than I had figured out my sexuality, but never really how to be comfortable in it. Like I had figured out I was queer but not how to exist as a queer person. I no longer have problems telling myself I'm bisexual, which I'm proud of, it took a while to get there. But I get nervous at just the thought of someone else knowing. Honestly, you're the only person I feel comfortable talking about sexuality with." Stan chuckled to the ground. It was something Bill noticed about him a lot. He tended to smile or chuckle whenever a serious topic was brought up. Bill assumed it was a way of making his words lighter, or maybe it just feels easier to talk about personal stuff by smiling through it. Nonetheless, Stan's words were exactly why Bill brought up this topic and he was glad to hear Stan's experience.
    "I g-g-get that. Only f-f-four people know ab-b-bout me and anyone else kn-n-n-nowing scares me." Bill said.
    "Who currently knows?"
    "You ob-b-b-bviously, Richie, Eddie and Beverly." Bill answered "Who knows ab-b-bout you?"
     "Five, maybe six people." Stan replied "You of course, Richie, I think Eddie might have figured it out, Beverly, Mike — he found out by accident I'll tell you later, and Adam Haddad."
    "Who's Adam H-H-Haddad?"
    "He was the first person I ever told. I met him at camp when I was younger. We were placed in the same cabin and instantly became best friends. We kept coming to camp year after year and we always did everything together. We even did each others arts and crafts projects." Stan chuckled "We could tell each other everything. One day it was late and we were out looking for a lost flashlight. We had given up and sat down, just talking until one of the counsellors would come and yell at us to go back to our cabin. He was talking about his parents, they were getting a divorce, and he asked me about my life. So I told him that I thought I was attracted to guys."
    "W-W-What did he s-say?"
    "Nothing. He just up and left. He didn't talk to me for the rest of camp, and the next year we weren't in the same cabin. I assumed he hadn't gone to camp, but I saw him during lunch one day. I tried to talk to him, to no avail. He wouldn't reply. The year after, he didn't show. I haven't seen him since." A pained smile broke out across his face.
    "Stan...." Bill's heart broke for Stan. Bill was lucky enough to have Richie and Eddie be the first people to know, because they were always going to support him. If they hadn't reacted positively, Bill didn't even know what he would have done. He couldn't be confident that he ever would come out to anyone again ever, in any circumstances, if they hadn't reacted as they did. "I'm r-r-really sorry."
    "Don't be sorry. It's been a few years and it doesn't bother me anymore."
    "I thought we p-p-promised not to l-lie to each other."
    "Okay yeah, you're right." Stan admitted with a smile "It still fucks with my brain sometimes. I think it's why I get so nervous about the concept of telling people, my brain just replays the horrified look on his face and the way he just left. Just up and left, never to talk to me again. "
"You d-d-didn't deserve that, I'm s-s-sorry." Bill said, putting his hand on Stan's shoulder.
"Do you ever wish..." Stan paused, as if he wasn't sure he should continue. "That you didn't have to be like this?"
"All the t-t-time." Bill sighed "When I f-f-first realized I didn't like g-g-girls, I was w-w-worried because I thought I c-could never be happy with a g-g-guy. You're teaching me that's not t-t-true but I still think ab-b-bout it a lot."
"It's just so hard sometimes." Stan whispered, his face void of a smile.
"I know." Bill pulled the dejected boy into a hug, which was just as much for him as it was for Stan.

//
This chapter wasn't very light but I think these conversations are really important, not just in stories but also to have with the people we know.