Complications

21|frankenstein

Tyla Bradley

After the hospital I thought things were going to be okay between us; like we were going to be friends or something. Two weeks later with not a peep and I'm not so sure anymore. He's the one that was so sorry, he should text first right?

Am I making excuses?

Do I even want to talk to him? I'm still pissed and I know that, I can feel it. Every time my thoughts drift in his direction--which is not that often--it's accompanied with the embarrassment and anxiety that came in that moment with the test. Of course those feelings are trumped with what I was beginning to feel for him.

I was catching feels.

And now, now I don't know. I'm so confused and his gosh dang silence isn't helping. Every time I feel like were about to become something more he messes it up, or I mess it up, I guess I can't give him all the credit.

He's infuriatingly stupid. He comes at me while I'm backing up my car so I ram into him, and before that he decides to barrel me over in his full football uniform. He has a serious anger problem, likes punching peoples faces in and getting into fights. He's passionate about football, it's clear in everything he does, but he's closed off. If he isn't the toughest guy in the room nothing else matters, so although he has weaknesses--he is slow or completely unwilling to admit them. I hate his cockiness and his ridiculous good looks; His hair, his eyes, the way he smirks when he's joking around--which is most of the time. He's so hard to crack and I'm still curious about so much about him.

And thinking about this makes me miss him. I shouldn't miss him, I never really had him... we're just friends.

But then I keep thinking... what if I regret Walker as much I regret Silver? Every kiss, every moment, all a waste. Why didn't I suspect when I didn't feel something when we kissed or when we touched? I slowly lost excitement about seeing him after every interaction. Is that my fate with Walker too? Are the feelings starting up inside me just doomed to fade and dislike take their place?

I'm a mess! All my regrets and possibilities swirling around inside me has made it almost impossible to focus. Math is impossible and the last two weeks have been hell in that department. I'd been over confident at the end of junior year, now I'm regretting my decision to move forward with the hard class. I can't do this!  Senior year is supposed to be a breeze, I'm supposed to sluff all the time and never sweat about it. I'm sweating and I'm not even skipping!

Whenever this train of thought starts I get seriously pissed at Walker! My math problems are all his fault. The first week of his suspension... did I forget to mention that? Walker got suspended for two weeks for his whole punching the glass act. I think two weeks is a little excessive but whatever. My hand starts doodling as my mind wanders, and I draw the first thing that comes to my mind, broken glass. It stretches along the bottom of my notes and I find myself adding Walkers hand in the midst. Somehow I'm able to do this and think about the past week, even though I've completely blocked out the other voices bothering me, one in particular.

My first week of his suspension I was dealing with the retake test. I wimped out and didn't dare reach out for help to him, and I'm too afraid of Walsh to ask for his help. Zoey and Andrea have helped as much as they could, but they're not much better at math then I am. We're all a bunch of idiots with numbers and fractions and division, and well all of it! I'm about ready to just call it quits and drop out of school. Who cares about the fact that I've basically finished the line. I can't do twelfth grade math, it's going to be the death of me. If Walsh takes Walker wiz away from me when he gets back I'm going to do much worse than punch his glass window out of his door.

So basically I've been the worst person to be around. Zoey's complained about it constantly and has staged a rebellion. Andrea goes along with her becuase she's more Zoey's friend then mine. During lunch I've been walking to the side of the school and drawing majorty of the time. My book is getting filled with sketches of Walker, that's creepy right. Ugh! I go home every day and ball them up and throw them up in the trash.