Transfer to Help Himself

Chapter 19- Are the Odds Really Against Us?

TW//Panic attacks and mentions of gun violence

It's been two months since Buck started at the 126, 2 weeks since Bobby's trial. 1 week since his parents' unexpected visit and arrest. Buck had reverted back to the person he was when he first arrived, watching his surroundings and reading people's emotions. He only spoke when he was spoken directly too, and even then, it was short one or two worded answers. The only time he wasn't as guarded was when they were out on a call. Firefighting and peace were the two things that got Buck to let go. He wasn't Buck the scared kid when he was on a call, he was Buck the trained SEAL and experienced firefighter who let himself feel and help others. He barely even talked to Carlos and TK. Of course he still acknowledged them, letting them know he still loved them. He just couldn't bring himself to really talk to them, he didn't want to talk about the things his parents said and did. And he knew that TK and Carlos would try to get him to talk about it.

His nightmares came back full force, this time with his parents and the 126 shouting horrible things. He would stifle his sobs with his pillow, not wanting the comfort that he didn't deserve. His lack of sleep was affecting his mind; spacing out a lot, not listening to Owen, he even had put salt into his coffee instead of sugar. Owen struggled to get him to listen to his instructions during calls. Buck had, instead, done his own thing, just as he did back in L.A. He was reckless, not caring if he got hurt, as long as no one else did. Mateo had to break a window in one of the houses they were trying to put fire out at, because Buck had run in there to save a mom and her children and didn't think about what would happen if the house started to come down. The doorway had been blocked by part of the ceiling and Buck was trying to keep the people safe while struggling to find a way out. This got him a lecture from Owen when they had gotten back to the station.

"Buck, you are sitting the rest of the shift out. I don't want to do this, but you left me with no choice. You are putting yourself in danger and you need sleep. So while we are gone, try and get some sleep. Please."

Buck nodded, still not saying anything; but inside, he was beating himself up. He had let Owen and the team down. All because he couldn't keep his emotions in check from the lack of sleep. He couldn't sleep. He knew he needed to talk to someone. The only person he could think of was his therapist, Dr. Prescott. He emailed her and made an appointment for three days from now at 4. He would have to get someone to go with him. Maybe he could ask Grace. Buck hadn't really got to know her that well, but she was someone outside the team, and that's what he needed right now. He didn't know how to contact her though, as he didn't have her number, unless he called 9-1-1. That would take the dispatcher's time away from helping actual emergencies. Buck was scared, but he had to go. Even if it meant going there by himself.

It had been about 2 hours and Buck was worried. They hadn't come back from a call about a heart attack after a man with dementia had entered the wrong house. Hearing about that call made him think about Abby's mother and the time they had to search for her because Abby forgot to lock the door and her mother, who had dementia, had opened and walked out. He started to pace around, thinking about the scenarios that could have happened. There was one scenario that he hadn't thought of, and it had led to Carlos calling him while both were on shift. "Buck...it's TK. He was shot. I sent you the hospital and room number". Buck didn't say anything, just hung up on Carlos and ran for his jeep. He drove like a madman to the hospital and parked in the parking lot.

Buck didn't get out right away. He was blaming himself. If he hadn't almost gotten himself killed on his last call, he would have been the one in the hospital bed sporting a bullet wound and probably in a medically induced coma not TK. The more he thought, the quicker his breathing was. He couldn't do this. He couldn't force himself to see TK. So, he left. He didn't deserve to see either of them.

What Buck didn't know was that Carlos was walking to him when he was panicking. Carlos had been waiting outside for Buck, and saw him pull in. But Carlos didn't make it in time before Buck pulled away, obviously not thinking straight. He ran straight for his cruiser and quickly caught up to Buck. He followed him for a good 30 minutes before Buck had pulled over. Carlos followed suit and got out. He walked up to Buck's Jeep and saw Buck starting to pull at his hair. That's when he decided to open the door, making his presence known. Buck was too far gone to even notice. Carlos pried Buck's hands away from his head and pulled Buck into a hug. It was awkward with the position the two were in, but Carlos didn't care. He just wanted to help.

Buck was muttering to himself. There were a lot of incoherent sentences, but Carlos could make out one that Buck kept repeating. "It's all my fault. He's hurt because of me..." Carlos was distraught. Buck was blaming himself for something he didn't cause. Carlos needed to calm Buck down first before talking to him. He remembered that TK would usually play music for Buck, but Carlos didn't have his phone on him. He had left it in his car when he got out and he didn't know Buck's passcode. So, he did what his mother used to do when he was upset and started to hum a lullaby. He had pulled Buck out of the Jeep during his muttering and had sat them down. Carlos pulled Buck's head into him and rocked him. Buck's breathing had started to slow down, and his muttering was coming to a halt. "Carlos?" Said man nodded and pressed a kiss to Buck's head. "Why are you here? Why aren't you with T?" Buck asked.

"I could ask you the same thing, Buck. I was outside when you pulled in and followed you when you drove away. What's going on Buck? I just want to help you..." Carlos replied. Buck was silent for a few minutes before whispering something. "What was that?"

"I said 'I don't need help'. I can do this on my own. I've done it before, and I can do it again. TK got hurt because I couldn't get out of my head. If I wasn't stupid during that house fire, I would be the one laying in the hospital while you and TK would be ok".

"Buck, no. It's not your fault. You didn't hand the kid the gun and told him to shoot TK. The kid was protecting his family. Yes, you were reckless during that call, but either way, the kid would have ended up shooting either of you. If you were shot, TK and I would not be ok. We would be there, in the hospital waiting for you to wake up. Just like you and I should be doing now, ok?" Buck nodded and looked at his Jeep. "Can you go with me to my therapy appointment in 3 days? Please... I can't ask Owen because TK is in the hospital, and I can't ask anyone else. I can't go alone..." Carlos kissed his forehead. "Of course, Buck. Now, let's go see our boy. It would be a shame if he woke up this early without either of us there". Buck followed Carlos back to the hospital and walked in with him. Buck hated hospitals after all the time he had spent in them, mostly in the bed alone after a near-death experience.

They had reached TK's room, where all of the A shift 126, even medical, were. Owen pulled Buck into the hug and Buck tensed up. He hadn't expected a hug. He forced himself to relax for his partner's father. "He's ok, Buck. They just put him in a medically induced coma to help him heal faster. Go see him." Buck walked towards TK's room and walked inside. TK laid there, pale. Buck couldn't help but let out a little whimper, which only Carlos had heard. "Remember what I said, Buck. This isn't your fault. Come on, let's go sit next to him."

TK woke up two days later and a lot of feelings were shared. Mainly Buck apologizing for something that he couldn't help. Carlos had told TK to let him because Buck needed it. Buck told TK that he and Carlos were going to see Dr. Prescott to get Buck help and TK was happy that Buck finally realized that he needed to talk. It would take a long time before Buck could feel good, but this was a small start.