Prequel: Making the Black Cross | BTS GANG AU

21

Clary lay wide awake in bed next to Namjoon. They had discovered earlier on that there had luckily only been two intruders and Jin and Taehyung 'took care' of the one that Clary had knocked unconscious in their living room. She didn't need to ask what 'taking care' of the situation meant. She didn't want to think about it.

Clary glanced at Namjoon who was sound asleep. She wondered how he could sleep at night knowing the destruction he caused in others. She wondered how she could lie beside him in such a calm manner. Clary felt her heart drop a little. Maybe if she complied then he would allow her to see Katie and they could conjure a plan of escape. She sighed quietly. That would be too easy of a plan. Clary couldn't help but think about her 'training' that was supposed to start in the morning. The thought of her having to harm innocent people in order to escape made her feel sick.

She slipped out of the bed and into the room that had grown cold. She felt herself walking down two flights of stairs until she was outside Yoongi's  bedroom staring at the door. There was something about him that made her feel better. She felt like he understood the thoughts in her mind. Clary raised her hand to knock on the door but it was swung open. Yoongi stood in front of her taken aback by her presence. "Uh are you alright?" He asked.

Clary hesitated. "I'm unsure. I mean shouldn't I feel sick about the fact I pretty much caused the death of two strangers? Why don't I feel disgusted with myself?"

Yoongi ushered her to come into his bedroom. "They were bad people who wanted us to be harmed maybe that's why? Remorse is a difficult thing and each person can feel or process it differently." He mumbled as he walked over to the sofa in the corner of the room, he plonked himself down onto it and stretched his legs out.

Yoongi lit a cigarette and offered it to Clary. She took it gladly and was happy for its momentarily stress relief. "I don't know what's becoming of me and I don't want to become a weapon no offence."

Yoongi chuckled, "None taken but you're going to have to go through it kiddo and-" he hesitated for a moment. "You're going to have to be strong as iron to endure it."

Clary didn't even grow worried, in fact in a dark way she hoped it would push her to the edge so that she would stop having to constantly fight. "I'm sick of fighting things Yoongi. I have to battle my own thoughts never mind become  a weapon of destruction." She finished her cigarette with a frown. "I'm never going to get out of here am I?" She asked.

Yoongi didn't nod nor did he shake his head. He sat very still, "I battle my thoughts too." He smiled meekly, she wasn't very impressed that he refused to acknowledge the rest of what she had said.

"I briefly wished that I was the body on the floor today." She blurted out but yet in such a quiet yet rushed pace Yoongi almost never caught what she said.

Yoongi's face seemed to flicker with sadness for a couple of seconds. "I understand." He said. "Don't ask me how I understand because I just do." He turned to face her. "Sometimes the thought of staying is harder than the thought of going."

Clary felt a sense of familiarity in his words and almost a sense of security that he appeared to understand what was going on inside her head. "There are times where I wish on a daily basis that I jumped out of the cupboard instead of Esme. Sometimes I reckon it would be less painful that day."

Yoongi failed at suppressing his shocked expression at her statement, "Sometimes I think you need to have pain as a reminder that you are alive and we both are Clary, alive and it might not feel it but hopefully it's worth something." He smiled meekly.

"I've never felt so understood." She mumbled. "I should probably get back before-" Clary was interrupted by the door swinging open. In reality she was anxious that she had over shared as much as it had helped a little. Upon seeing Namjoon at the door her anxiety grew further, luckily for Clary, Namjoon was too tired to be angry.

He approached her sleepily, "Come back to bed please it's cold without you." He held his hand out. Clary politely took his hand.

"Thanks for listening to me I needed that." She said to Yoongi who nodded solemnly as she disappeared out the room behind Namjoon.

Clary grew sleepy as they walked up to Namjoon's floor. "You're not my favourite person right now but I want you to know there's nothing between me and Yoongi he is just a good listener." Her words caused him to stop outside his bedroom.

Namjoon chuckled as if she had said something hilarious, "I'm not worried about there being something like at all." He opened his bedroom door and ushered her in behind him. "I can listen to you too, you know?"

Clary softly sighed and dropped his hand as she made her way over to his bed and lay down. "I wouldn't want to scare you off." She chuckled.

Namjoon turned toward her in bed and planted a kiss softly on her forehead. Clary was glad the room was in pitch darkness for she blushed hard at such a simple yet pure act of affection. "You could never scare me off, baby. I want to be here for you."

Clary stared at him through the darkness, "for a brief moment today I thought about letting those men kill us all."

Namjoon's hand found her own and interlaced them. "I'm glad you didn't let them." He squeezed her hand. "I need you to be here." He used his free hand to trace the still aching scar across her face. "You make me feel capable of feeling." He mumbled. "It's why I am able to do my job so well Clary. I thought that I was entirely incapable of feeling at all until I crossed your path." He kissed the scar on her face as gently and softly as he could not to irritate or hurt it.

Clary felt slightly scared by his words yet motivated. Maybe she could change things for him by allowing him to feel emotions again that would perhaps prevent him from being so violent. She forced herself to not think about the violence he had committed and wondered about Namjoon when he was young, maybe baby Namjoon was a good person who could feel emotions. She knew for sure that If she was judged off her trauma actions that no human would ever want to know or converse with her. Perhaps she owed it to Namjoon not to judge him so harshly without knowing his story. "I don't know why or how but I think I needed to hear that." She whispered. She wished she could have known the Namjoon before all the pain and hardships. She wished he could have known the Clary without the trauma or hardships.

"I needed to say it." She didn't know how she could tell that he was smiling when he spoke that sentence. "Clary I think that I'm falling in love with you." He whispered but realised as soon as he said it that Clary was snoring softly. He hoped to tell her another time soon.