— jackie
i sat in my living room in a ball. the quiet sound of the tv was the only thing breaking the silence. hot tears streamed down my face.
i was angry.
how could they?
i wanted them both to just get along.
i wanted awsten to stay out of it.
i wanted more than anything for it to just be normal.
is this all my fault?
i hid in my apartment for 3 days. all i did was sit in the living room in sams cardigan, crying. i barely slept, barely ate.
i shouldve never bothered with him. i got way to ahead of myself. i shouldve known.
a soft knock rang at my front door. i basically jumped out of my seat.
i opened the door slowly.
"can we talk?" awsten said. his eyes were swollen, face bruised.
i sniffled and wiped my face with the sleeves of sams cardigan. "yeah. come in."
he shuffled in the apartment and plopped down on my couch. i sat next to him.
"im so fucking sorry." he said laying his head in my lap, crying.
i stayed silent and played with his hair softly.
"you deserve whatever makes you happy. im sorry for constantly getting in the way and being a selfish asshole. you're just too good for me to get over. im so fucking sorry." he said sobbing.
which made me sob even harder.
"i love you jackie. i love you. im never gunna not love you." he said between sobs.
he sat up and hugged me, squeezing me tight.
"i love you too awsten." i said wiping the tears off his face.
"sam hasnt been at the store to check if you were there. i knew if he did i was gunna call you the second i saw him." he said cupping my cheeks.
"no no its fine. i dont want him to see me like this.." i said wiping my face again.
"jackie you're beautiful. and im sure he wants to see you."
i sure hope so...
—sam
i spent all day trying to get her off my mind. i just needed to work. i needed to focus on the record all day.
and thats what i did.
josh tried to get me to tell him what was wrong but i shoved him away every time. i didnt want him to be upset with me.
i didnt mean to do what i did. i was just so mad. i couldn't control myself.
and thats when i decided i couldn't see her again.
