Tessa felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. There was so much pain in her heart, right now. It felt like both a longing and a mourning.
She sat down and inhaled deeply. She tried to center herself and inhaled one more time.
“My baby. I’m so sorry.” A voice said
Tessa looked around. She seemed to be outside, in a park, in the middle of the night. No one was anywhere near her.
“My baby. My unborn baby. I’m so sorry.” The voice said again.
Tessa felt tears streaming down her cheeks. It was then that she realized that the voices were coming from her.
Suddenly, she understood why she felt the way she did.
She had lost a child. A life that she had nurtured within her but she never got the chance to see or hold in her arms. A baby that almost made it into the world but did not get to see the light of day.
“I’m so sorry, little one.” She cried.
Tessa woke up with a fright. She sat up in bed, covered in sweat. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes were moist. But the one thing that stood out was the pain in her chest.
It was just a dream, thankfully. So why did the lingering feeling of overwhelming sadness feel so real?
Tessa reached for her phone. It was the early morning of September 24. 3:45am, to be exact. That meant it was 1:45am in Bangkok, where Soonyoung was.
Tessa really, really wanted to call him. But what if he was asleep after a long day of practicing at the concert venue?
She shook her head. She couldn’t seem to just shake this feeling off so she decided to send Soonyoung a text.
Tessa: Baby? Are you up?
She leaned back on her pillows and placed her phone beside her. In less than a minute, Tessa’s phone rang.
“Yeoboseyo?” (Hello?)
“Baby?” Soonyoung sounded genuinely concerned. “Is everything alright?”
“Did I wake you?"
“No, actually. We just arrived at the hotel less than thirty minutes ago. The rehearsal took longer than expected."
“What happened, baby?"
“That’s not important right now. Is everything alright with you?"
Tessa sighed. “Not really. I had the weirdest dream."
There was a rustle on Soonyoung’s end of the line. “Tell me about it, baby. Do you remember what happened?"
“That’s the thing. I remember it as if it were my own memory."
“A memory of what?"
“Of losing a child."
Soonyoung was silent for a second. “Um, did you lose a child, baby?"
“No. You’re the only one I’ve ever been in a relationship with.”
“Sorry, baby. I have to ask. Did we get pregnant but…?"
Tessa smiled inwardly. He was the sweetest. She loved how he used ‘We’. “No, baby. What I was trying to say was that the feeling of losing a child, even if it was just in the dream, seemed so real to me. The sadness and the regret and the guilt..."
“I’m always here for you, baby. I love how you reached out to me immediately. Thank you for coming to me and trusting me with this."
Tessa smiled again. Her Soonyoung really was a hamster.
