Regret Flows (Frerard)

MakeDamnSure

Frank exhaled into the cold morning air, watching the smoke that escaped his lips swirl around his hair as it dissipated around him. He tapped his cigarette against the side of his shoe whilst he sat with his legs crossed on the aged park bench. He lifted his head up and the view of the flowery meadow across from him reflected in his dark sunglasses. The twenty three year old continued puffing as he watched a colony of bees travel from flower to flower, and the occasional squirrel darting throughout the trees. 

Eventually the cigarette finished, to which Frank tapped it out on the bench and tucked the now cold butt into the pocket of his black hoodie. He let out a deep sigh and rubbed his hands over his face and under his sunglasses, resting his fingers against his eyes for a moment before standing up. Frank made his way through the field, making sure to avoid the pollinators as they worked, to the gate at its entrance and turned down the sidewalk back home.

Frank lived alone in a small studio that he could barely afford on the money he earned. Occasionally, Jack would spend the night with him, drinking, doing drugs, having sex, but most often combination of the three. The apartment was always in a desperate state with clutter and clothes thrown across the floor; crumpled up trash laid under every table and chair, while empty bottles and cans were piling on top of them. Despite the amount of litter that seemed to be regularly filling the apartment, his wallet and refrigerator were consistently left unfilled. 

As Frank opened the forest green door that lead into his home, his phone buzzed. He reached into his pocket and saw that it was a text from Jack, 'Care if I cruise by?'

Frank rolled his eyes and smirked as he responded a quick 'sure'.

The two had met about a year and a half ago leaning against the wall outside a bar where a local band was playing. Frank was standing alone with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other when Jack came crashing out of the double doors that lead onto the sidewalk after being thrown out by a bouncer. After realizing where he was, he turned to notice Frank, who was quietly laughing at him while he sipped his drink. Frank offered the stranger a cigarette to 'ease his suffering', causing him to chuckle back at him while he accepted the smoke from between his fingers. The two began talking and later decided to go back to Frank's apartment, which set the pace their regular visits.

Frank tossed his phone down onto his couch and walked into the kitchen area to brew a pot of coffee. After a few minutes, there was a quick knock as Jack let himself in through the unlocked door. 

"How are you?" Jack smiled as he took off his coat and tossed it onto a nearby chair, ignoring the plastic bottle being knocked onto the floor.

"I'm alright, do you want some coffee?" Frank offered. Jack nodded and made his way over to Frank and wrapped his arms around his torso. The twenty three year old continued pouring the coffee for the two of them, and then followed Jack over to the couch. Frank pushed more empty plastic bottles onto the floor and slid Jack's cup in front of him. "I'm not used to seeing you so early in the morning," Frank chuckled. His eyes flicked to his phone on the table displaying 10:47am and a text from his dealer. 

"Yeah, that's actually what I wanted to talk about," Jack responded as his smile contrasted greatly against Frank's confused glare. "This place.. it's small-and expensive!" Jack continued, his eyes darting to the large window behind the couch. "I think that.. y'know if you thought so too, that maybe you could move in with me?"

Frank sat with a blank stare on his face as he watched the coffee swirl in his mug, unsure of how to respond. Eventually, Frank began to stutter, "I just- I don't- what do you think this is? Between us?" he asked in a confused tone bringing his eyes to meet Jack's.

Jack's smile faded fast and his deep brown eyes sunk. "Frank, I don't know," he paused, exhaling a disappointed sigh, "But I like you, and I care about you.." he paused again before continuing: "And this just isn't healthy for you..or me, for that matter," he said as Frank turned his eyes away again. "And I don't know, I guess I just think we should either try to make this work for real or just stop whatever this is now- before either of us gets hurt."

Frank stared into his coffee silently before calmly responding, "Okay, then leave."

Jack's jaw slipped slightly out of the tight clench they had shifted into as he waited. After another few seconds of silence and building tension, Jack stood up, grabbed his coat, and stormed out slamming the door behind him causing Frank to flinch. A single tear formed in his eye and slipped down his cheek, hooking around his jaw as it fell down his cheek. Jack was the only constant in Frank's life, and now that he was gone he felt a sense of helplessness in the fact that he was alone again. Frank pulled his knees to his chest and leant against the armrest of his couch, tears continuing to slide down his cheek one at a time as he sat transfixed on a burn mark on the coffee table left by a cigarette.

Frank had never actually cared much about Jack and didn't know why he was so bothered by his leaving. It must be because now, he thought, this meant he was truly alone. His mother passed a few years earlier, he never knew his father, and he had no siblings or family members that he knew of. Frank shuffled a few more things on the table in front of him and retrieved a small baggie from beneath the piles. His small pallid fingers worked at the top and pulled it open, popping two small pills to the back of his tongue and swallowing. His head leant back and rested against the windowsill,  bumping into a dead plant that tipped dirt next to his ear. His eyes drifted across the cracked ceiling as images of himself and Jack flickered through his brain as if viewing slides from a misery projector. His vision began to gently wiggle and his ears got warm as a small smirk found its way to the corners of his mouth. Franks eyes drifted shut, as he began to levitate and the noise of the city street got quieter until Frank was completely unconscious. 

-

When he woke, the sun was low in the sky. He found himself on the floor of the kitchen, with his long brown fringe stuck to the side of his face. He smacked his mouth a few times, rubbing his hand on his sore jaw, and slowly sat up. The memories of his last interaction with Jack came rushing back to him in chunky flashes that he shook away. Frank chuckled to himself as he stood, letting his eyes slowly drag across his apartment and he frowned before he made his way to the refrigerator, where he found an old taco. Satisfied with pretty much anything that isn't moldy, the twenty three year old unwrapped his dinner and sat back on the couch where he had broke things off with his former lover a few hours prior. His brain was still foggy, and he was getting rather claustrophobic amongst the mess, so he decided to get some fresh evening air.

Frank pulled on his tattered hoodie as the sun was about to set, and paired it with some muddy converse. His eyes were bloodshot, which contrasted greatly against his pale face and cracked lips. He reached into his pocket as pulled out the cigarette butt from this morning, and dropped it on the floor. As he stood at the door, he made sure he has his keys, phone, wallet and cigarettes. Satisfied with the contents of his pockets, Frank headed out, making sure to lock up behind him, and jogged down the stairs to the street.

Once he hit the sidewalk, he pulled out a fresh cigarette and lit it between his lips.