Painful Desires || COMPLETED ✔️

Chapter 12

       "Hey, are you..." I clear my throat. "When are you coming back?"

"Mmh, probably at one." His voice is low and raspy.

"Oh." I swallow deeply, feeling my throat tighten. "Um, w-well. Mari wanted to have lunch, remember."

"I can't make it."

"Okay." I open my mouth to say something else but the line cut's off.

"He hung up. He hates me."

I turn into Ihop and Isa slaps me upside the head, "Idiot!"

"He kissed you back, he likes you. He's probably just having some gay crisis, that's a thing right? Gay panic?"

I make a face at her, since when does she know about all of this? Starting from talking about sex to now gay panic which most people don't understand.

"What? I see a lot of Kpop ship edits."

"Be honest, are you the one making them?"

"What can I say?" I shrug. "I'm a taekooker for life. Those two have to be secretly dating. The sexual tension alone--"

"Okay stop!" I cover my ears and she laughs unfastening her seatbelt.

      The serverplaces our food down and Isa quickly digs in.

"Wait!" She swallows harshly almost choking on her pancake. "Did this--is this why you were so weird last night? Did I almost walk in on yall...eww!"

Now it's my turn to laugh.

I quickly finish my French Toast and sit back crossing my arms as she takes her time.

"So when you said you did first base..."

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Turns out you were right, they only want sex at my age." She frowns in thought, "To be honest, I'm not ready. It's kind of scary."

"I know people are going to make it seem necessary and cool, but you don't need to worry about that right now. Sex isn't something you just do it's a type of connection so deep it needs to be done with the right person.

Plus, everyone your age doesn't know what they're doing, shit barely people my age do. I promise you're not missing anything."

"Mm, I guess..." She looks at her orange juice. "All of my friends have lost their virginity, and when they ask for my advice on things...I feel like a fraud."

"Honey," I take her hand. "My first time was when I was fifteen in a movie theater bathroom. It lasted five minutes and I felt awful afterward." I tell her and her eyes and mouth go wide. "Yeah, and he didn't even pay for my ticket or popcorn."

"Wow...that's kind of shitty."

"I know. Look, you should be telling them how it should be done. Romance, a freaking bed, and trust."

"And protection!" I add.

She opens and closes her mouth. I don't think I've ever sat down and talked to her like this, especially about my personal sex life.

      When we arrive home it's nine a.m. and Marisol is sitting on the rocking bench with her phone to her ear. Isa takes this as her cue to go inside.

We look at each other with the same knowing and exhausted expression, I plop down beside her.

"Did he call you?"

She nods and I groan laying my head on her lap, I try laying on my side but I'm too tall to fit.

"What did he say?" I mumble.

I feel her leg muscles pushing to rock the bench.

"That he's confused, that he...regrets it."

"Of course he does," I whisper covering my face with my hands. "Does he hate me?"

She doesn't answer me and I don't think I want her to. She strokes my hair, sighing. "How long have you been in love with him?"

I slide my hands under my head, "I think since...forever."

"That's kind of beautiful.

"I don't want to lose him," I sniff feeling my lips quivering to let out a cry I've been holding onto for too long.

We stay like this for a while, in comfortable silence. Marisol and I are cousins, but we grew up together, she's like my sister. Our moms would take us baths together, and they have pictures to prove it. We've gotten to a point where we don't have to explain ourselves, we simply understand each other.

      After spending half the day with my family and no texts from Lucas, I decided to call him.

He answers after the third ring.

"Hello?" He says breathlessly and I get a flashback of last night.

"Yo!" I chuckle. "We gotta go, bro. Where you at?" I feel confident adding the "Bro".

"I met up with a friend. I'll be there in an hour..." I hear a sweet voice calling his name, followed by giggling. "O-okay gotta go."

"Oh--" The line cut's off.

I sit on the stairs of the front porch, "Hm...I guess it is what it is." I whisper to myself, hugging my legs and resting my chin on my knee.

Did I expect him to confess he's loved me as much as I've loved him? Or that he's somehow committed to me? I am such a fool.

I don't turn to know Christian is the one who sits beside me, I have to make myself smaller for his long legs to fit.

"You okay?"

I nod.

"I'm guessing it didn't go well?"

I slowly shake my head not wanting to speak. I look at him and he wraps his arm around my shoulders.

      Throwing my bags into the back of Lucas's car, I turn to kiss my mom's cheek. "Adios mami, cuidate. I love you," I hug her, and part of me wants her to beg me to stay so I can avoid this car ride. She hugs me tightly telling me she loves me too and that I should behave.

Manuel tells me to call him if I'm ever in trouble or need anything, he asks me if I need money and I shake my head. He takes a roll of cash out of his pocket and places it in my hand, I laugh thanking him.

"Be good," I tell Isa and she lightly punches my shoulder before eventually hugging me. Christians dab me up and bring me into a bro hug. Ava kisses my cheek, "Bye amor. Have fun and be safe."

I hug Joseph one last time before waving goodbye to them.

I slouch into the passenger seat glancing at Lucas, he hasn't spoken to me. He didn't even ask me to drive. He rolls the windows down and turns up the music, letting it fill the air between us.

      "What are you doing?" He grips the steering wheel warily, glancing at my hands cupping my crotch.