Beautifully Imperfect {ON HOLD}

Chapter Twelve: Comfort

Waking up a few hours later, your body wakes you up before you have another night terror. Though it was only the start of one, it still caused you to panic, jerking away from Lady Lesso, who was playing with your hair. Scrambling out of the bed, you fall to the floor and back up into a corner. Lesso, knowing the signs of a panic attack, gets out of her bed, moving to sit by you, making sure to keep her distance till you tell her it's okay.

    Your breathing becomes rapid, as your heart pounds in your chest. Chest tightening, you feel as if you're suffocating. As you attempt to take deep breaths of air, they come in and out short, causing you to hyperventilate. "Y/N love, can you hear me?" Lesso asks, her voice soft. You can hear the voice of Lady Lesso, nodding slightly. "Is it okay if I come near you?" You nod in response again, allowing the ginger to move closer to you. Lesso moves so that she is now sitting right in front of you, before asking if you were okay with physical contact. A quiet breathy "yes" is your response as you attempt to slow your racing heart and burning lungs.

Taking her usual place with your back against her front, she places her hands on your's, avoiding wrapping them around your waist so as to not have you feel like your movements are restricted. "Concentrate on your breathing darling. What you're feeling is scary, but it's not dangerous. Now try and follow my breaths. She said reassuringly, her voice soft, breath fanning your neck as she speaks. "I can't, it's too much." You reply, voice shallow. "You can do it doll, take it slow. There's no need to rush." Trying again, you focus on the deep breaths Lady Lesso is taking, the way her chest rises and falls.

After about ten minutes, your breathing finally normalized, causing you to sink into the older woman's body. "You did so good, mon trésor . I'm proud of you." Lesso says. "Why, I freaked for no fucking reason. I can't seem to get these stupid memories out of my head." You explain, frustrated. "Your feelings are valid my darling. You have gone through traumatic experiences, yes, but that doesn't mean that they need to be what defines you as a person. You are so much more than your past. You may think that your feelings and emotions towards your trauma are irrelevant or stupid, but the fact that you feel anything is a sign that you are processing through that. The road through that process may be bumpy and you may feel discouraged like you will never be alright again, but you will get there. You just need to be patient with yourself." You take a minute to process what the older woman had said before speaking.

"I feel like I won't be able to stop." You say. "What do you mean?" "Like the cutting and all my shit with food. I have periods of time that it feels like everything is okay, like I'm at my baseline. If that makes sense?" Lesso nods, understanding letting you continue. "I just feel like if I have a good few days, I always fuck it up because I relapse." "Those things happen, even if you don't want them to. It's a part of healing, I don't like to think of it as a relapsing cause that insinuates that you have to start over from the beginning." She says, as you start playing with the rings on her fingers. "How would you describe it?"

"I like to think of it as taking a pause. You are not starting at the very beginning, but you are taking time to reflect on what factors impacted you. For example, you can try and pinpoint what triggered you. Was it something someone said, a noise, a smell. It could be a multitude of things. But finding out what triggered you the most is helpful when reflecting. Another thing can be focusing on more positive coping skills that can give you the same release that the cutting might. If you like the pain aspect, you can try a rubber band or ice. If it's the blood, then you can take a red marker and use ice, as the ice melts the marker will run like blood would." You listen attentively to the redhead as she talks. "I'm also always here if you need me. If talking about what's going on helps you, then come to me. If you don't trust yourself to be alone, I can sit with you. If you just need to cry, you can sit and cry. I want you to know that I am here to help you through whatever challenges you face." Smiling, you turn to look at your dean. "You would make a great therapist you know." You say giggling. Lesso smiles a warm smile, one that you love to see from her, knowing that they are few and far between.

— — —

The two of you decide to get ready for the day after spending an hour listening to Lesso read one of her books to you. Entering your room you are greeted by Orion, who you feed before getting dressed in a dark green jumper you had taken from Lesso's room without her noticing jeans and your white vans. You give Orion some cuddles before he takes his place in the sun that is shining through your window, most likely to sleep. You make your way back to her room, knocking before entering her room. She was wearing one of her suits but it was a navy color instead of the typical black or grey. Smiling, you stand waiting, watching her get ready. Thinking to yourself, smirk a bit wondering what would happen if you were to test the redheads patience. The older woman could see the gears in your head turning, moving her head to look at you.

"What are you thinking about, little one?" She asks sweetly. "I was just thinking about how soft you are." You say. The redhead's face stays void of expression, pushing you to continue. "You typically are so cold and mean, but in reality, you aren't." The older woman slowly walks up to you, you take a step back, her forward till your back hits the cold stone wall, an audible gasp falls from your lips. Lesso looked down at you, making you look away. Gripping your chin she turns your face so that your eyes are locked with hers, "I suggest you drop the attitude doll face, unless you want me to do it for you." Her voice husky, causing a deep crimson blush to spread over your face and ears. The redhead chuckles at your reaction. Opening your mouth to counter her comment, you are lost for words, making the Dean of Evil smirk.

"Aww, what's wrong, lost for words now doll? You were quite bold just seconds ago, where did all your confidence go?" She asks, her voice dripping with amusement. You could see that she was enjoying herself, a bit too much for your liking. You rolled your eyes at her, hoping that she would let you go. Quirking a brow, her gaze intensifies. "I see someone's enjoying acting like a brat today." Lesso husks, her voice low. "You should know that bad girls get punished, and you have been such a good girl for me, why ruin it now?" She asks. You blush at her words, your heart flutters as her eyes become level with yours.

Her face was so close to you, you could feel her icy breath on your skin. Your gaze shifted from her eyes to her lips, quickly looking back, hoping that she didn't notice. But of course she did, leaning in more, her lips hovered inches from yours, you looked at her piercing blue eyes, you unconsciously moved closer to her, lips barely brushing. The redhead making the final move, she gently presses her lips against yours. Your eyes flutter closed, basking in the sweet moment. Pulling away the redhead gently rests her forehead against yours. Taking a breath to calm yourself, you kiss her again, her hand finds your cheek as the other sits at your waist. Your hands fall to her hips, pulling her closer to you.

You pull away for a second time, meeting the gaze of the woman in front of you. A loving smile etched on the dean's face, she leans her head to the rest of yours. Your arms wrap around her waist as you look up, her eyes full of adoration. "That was my first." You say quietly. Lady Lesso's eyes widened at your statement. "You should have told me before." She said, "It's okay, I couldn't imagine having it with anyone else." You tell her, resting your head on her chest, hugging her. She pulled away after a few minutes, drawing out a whimper from you. Smiling her hands cup your face. Sapphire eyes locked on yours, she places a kiss on your forehead, cheek and finally your lips.