3 am (l.h.)

2.1

Audrey

Things seem good when I think about it. I'm in love with Luke. I talk to Laura on a regular basis and now consider her my best friend (she doesn't have much competition). Ash, Cal, and Mikey are all being nice to me, but I can't tell if Luke's making them or if they actually like me. I haven't been drinking, except for a shot or two for social purposes. I'm back at my job at the diner part-time. Everything is falling into a place. Everything is good.

So why don't I feel happy?

The past few weeks have felt forced. Being awake is a chore. Before, when I was depressed, I could blame it on the bad circumstances in my life, but now that things are good, I don't know who to blame it on. My landlord for raising my rent and making me stressed? Luke and Laura for preventing me from using self-destructive behaviors to make me feel better? My therapist for making me think about my feelings?

I should probably just blame it on myself.

I think Luke knows that my smiles are forced, but he doesn't seem like he wants to talk about unpleasant matters, and I don't want to either, so we just ignore it. He pretends he doesn't hide all of the alcohol, lighters, and razors in a different place every night, and I pretend that I don't see him hide them when he thinks I'm asleep. I pretend I haven't been self-harming on the nights he doesn't stay over, and he pretends he doesn't notice the cuts and burns. I think that's the reason he packed a bag this time and hasn't left for over a week.

I love him so much, and the last thing I want to do is worry him, though I think it's too late. He's always asking me if I'm okay, and I tell him I'm doing great, but he obviously knows I'm lying.

We're laying in my bed, tangled in each other. I let myself cry, but make sure to be quiet about it. If he does notice me crying, he clearly doesn't want to bring it up. He just kisses my head and rubs circles on my back. We stay completely silent. There's nothing to talk about.

I suddenly feel a drop of water fall onto my head, and Luke reaches his hand up and wipes his face. I turn to him, tears rolling down my face as well. We look at each other until we're shaking with sobs, but we don't say a word. I just stare into his eyes, and he stares back.

We stay there for a while. God, I hate seeing him like this, and I hate even more that I'm probably the cause. I don't know how to help other people when they cry. I'm so used to other people trying to help me. I climb onto his lap, letting my tears flow, and I wipe his away. Rubbing under his eyes, I kiss his neck, but not like when we first started dating. This isn't full of hunger and lust. The kisses are filled with all I've got: guilt and love.

He rests the side of his head on the side of mine, his chin and ear and temple all touching mine. I bury my head in his chest and let myself sob. My hair becomes wet with his tears, and he holds me tightly. I pull him as close to me as I can.

"I love you," I get out.

He laughs a little through the tears and whispers, "I love you back."

The exchange is messy and broken, but I think that's what we are. We're messy and broken and tragic and painful, but it's so beautiful. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen or felt. So I cling to it.

____________________

I love them together so much

Short and boring chapters lately, but interesting things happen soon, I swear

Chapter dedicated to goodgrls cuz she wrote a fic called shameless that made me cry and you should go read it

Get this to 1k? We're getting so close

k love you bye

-Lo