3 am (l.h.)

3.4

Audrey

"Take a seat. I'm Doctor Stevens, but you can call me Sandy."

Luke and I both sit on the red velvet sofa. His jaw is clenched and I'm picking at my fingernails.

"Why don't you tell me why the two of you are here," Sandy says. Her hair is obviously colored red, there's no way it's natural, and her nails are the same color.

"Mind if I take this one, Auds?" Luke asks me, and I just nod silently. I haven't been able to speak much lately.

"Alright," he begins, "things have been rough at home. I've actually been staying with my friends and Audrey's friend is staying at our house with her." Luke sighs. I know that kind of sigh. He's about to say something he knows will piss me off, but he's gonna say it anyway. "She's just been relapsing lately with her depressive and self-destructive tendencies."

I scoff. "Of course, you just have to put it like this is something I'm doing purposefully." He tries to interject, but I keep going. "Instead of saying that my depression has been coming back and it's been hard on me, you say that I've been relapsing, like it's something I'm consciously doing."

Luke rubs his temples. "I know that that your depression showing up again isn't something that you meant to happen, but it's not like you're not aware when you're being self-destructive."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, is my complete hopelessness making it hard on you? That must be so rough for you." I roll my eyes.

He throws his hands in the air and leans back in the couch. "This is your problem, Audrey, everytime I mention something you're doing that I'm concerned about, you make a huge show of turning it around on me!"

"Wow, that sounds really hard, I'm sorry you have to deal with me, even though you're not even dealing with me because you moved back in with the guys!"

"I'm not permanently moved there! Plus, Laura knows how to deal with this stuff better than me!"

"Really, so this is for me? Not so you can have more time to hang out with your suicidal bestie?" I cringe at my own words, hearing "suicidal bestie" come out of my mouth like venom, when I know that's what I am to him.

"Oh my god, I knew you weren't cool with me being friends with Cassie."

"Okay," Sandy finally interjects. "I like this open dialogue, but let's try to focus more on emotions rather than actions. Instead of sarcastically saying what you said about this Cassie, you could say how it makes you feel to see Luke around her."

I keep my mouth shut, refusing to speak in a silent protest against Luke making me see yet another therapist.

"Audrey, you can talk to me, please talk to me," Luke begs, seeming desperate. "I just want to know what you're really feeling."

I sigh. "Fine. Luke, when you hang out with Cassie, it makes me incredibly frustrated and angry and sad and scared."

"Good," Sandy says.

"How come, Auds?" Luke asks, his face softening, and moving his hand close to mine, but not grabbing it.

I put my head in my hands. "Because... because it feels like you're replacing me. I used to be your emotionally damaged best friend. I was your focus, you took care of me, and now that's what she is to you." Everything feels a little lighter, like a huge weight was literally lifted off my shoulders.

Luke moves his hand again, actually grabbing mine this time. "Audrey, you still are my best friend. You still all my focus, and I will always take care of you as long as you want and need me to."

He looks down at my hand, and I think he realizes I'm not wearing my engagement ring. His face drops, but he stays quiet about it, probably not wanting to make things worse.

"I love you, bestie," he whispers, looking up from my hand and into my eyes.

"I love you back," I chuckle. I think it's the first time I've smiled since before those three days I didn't get out of bed almost a month ago.

"You can always come back to love, even if it seems impossible," Sandy tells us, and I keep smiling.

I realize I'm crying, which I do a lot these days, and Luke wipes my tears like he always does.

"I want to remind you," Sandy continues, "fighting is expected and it's a part of a healthy relationship, and you can always make up stronger than ever before."

She's right

____________________

Whenever Auds says "I love you back" I just start crying idk

Things are about to get real crazy real fast so ummmm

#laudrey4lyfe

dedicated to kingsofmuke bc they're writing a super cool calum fic about a psychiatric hospital and y'all know how I love stories with mental illness, especially stories with mental illness in a mental hospital. Makes me feel less alone in my illnesses and hospital stays idk

I guess that's it

Luv u 2 the moon n back

k bye

-Lo