From The Ashes We Will Rise

No Place like Home

Hey! Let's see how bad the damage is...

POV Lexa

What did I do? I just let them take her, I did this to her. What is wrong with me? "What is wrong with you?" Anya asks disappointment seeping through her voice. I look at her not knowing what to say. "love is weakness. You should know you were on of the people who taught me it" I say and I know it's low and I don't believe it anymore but I don't know what else to say. I probably lost Alex and I probably lost Anya but at least I know she will stay loyal. "We both know that is not true. We both know what it's like to be loved by ex and it is not weakness. You just put her in another cell, you may have just lost her" she says and walks out leaving me alone. I walk over to where Alex's weapons lie and pick them up. My hand tracing the design on the bow as I feel tears form in my eyes.

POV Alex

It's been a few days of me sat in the dirt in my new cell. I can tell it's one of the nicer ones but it doesn't matter a cell's a cell. Anya came to visit once yesterday but other than that nothing. I hate to admit it but I'm going crazy. I should know by now living in a cell have my life but I can't help it, but at least I'm not chained. I sigh and stand up walking towards the door. I can see a sliver of light and I know a guard is standing at the top. A few hours later I hear someone make there way down but I don't move from my corner looking at the ground as I'm drawing in the dirt. "I just heard what happened. I'm sorry, um... I brought you some dinner" I hear Octavia say a little hesitant. "Not hungry" I say focusing on my image. I hear the door open and she comes in. "I wouldn't do that, I'm dangerous" I snark out and she studders in her steps but continues a tad bit closer setting the food down on the ground in front of me. She takes a seat and we sit in silence at I draw. "That's beautiful. What is it?" She asks. "It's a woman in fire. I keep seeing it but not as much since..." I trail off not wanting or can tell her about what happened when I almost died... Well did but. "I should get you some of Clarke's pencils and paper so you can draw it" she says and I look up at her. "Why are you here?" I ask and she sighs looking down at her fingers. "I just wanted to see if you were ok. That and I shouldn't have stopped you it wasn't my place" she says and I scuff. "You're right, it wasn't. You don't know what they did to me. That guard did things you couldn't imagine, so yes I'm angry." I say looking back down as the dirt. "I'm sorry... Do you want to talk about it?" She asks softly and I almost want to laugh. "I don't want your pity. You apologize you don't need to do anything else to make your feel better, I forgive you. Now leave" I say and she hesitates but gets up walking out slowly, shutting the door. "I'll try to come back tomorrow." She says and lingers a bit before walking out. I let a sigh out then wipe the dirt erasing the image. I look at the food snd pick up the tray. I scuff and chuck it across the cell letting it hit the wall with a bang.

It's been a few weeks and Octavia has come by a few times but only to bring food and try to talk but I don't give her much. Anya comes when she can but the past two days no one has shown up and I can't help but feel a bit sad even if I don't talk to them. Lexa hasn't shown her face and I am beyond pissed. A guard comes down opening the door and walking in. "On your feet" he says and I stand. He grabs my wrists chaining them then dragging me out of the cell. I squint my eyes at the brightness but look around when they adjust I see we're going to the tower. Another guard comes and grabs me shoving me in the elevator making me glare at him. "Not so tuff now are we?" He says mockingly making me clench my jaw. We get to the top and he throws me out making me hit the ground. I hear a few laughs and look up to see two other gaurds standing in front of me. The one that threw me out lifts me back up tugging on my chains making me groan. "Not so scary when she looks like that" one says and they laugh. Yes, I look like I've been in a cell for a month... Because I was. I barely ate or drank anything, my clothes are filthy, my hair is a mess, my face is covered in dirt and sweat, I probably smell, so yes. I look like shit. "and yet I still look better than you" I say hoarsely from lack of use and not drinking water. The one holding me growls and pulls me roughly into the throne room and throwing me hard to the floor. I grit my teeth and get back up lunging at him hitting him with my chained fists making him spit out blood. He growls and pulls out his sword making me smirk. "Do it" I say but we are cut off my a stern voice. "enough! Leave" Lexa orders and he slowly puts his sword away and I smirk before spitting in his face. "Eat shit" I say and he works his jaw before walking out. A guard grabs my arm turning me around causing me to elbow him in the gut. "don't touch me" I grit out making him back up. I scan the room to see Anya, Indra, Titus and Lexa in the room. Octavia looks kind of amused by my attitude and Anya has a small smirk on her face. My piercing gaze lands on the person I have not seen nor talked to for a month. The one person I couldn't stop thinking about, the person who was supposed to be my best friend, the person who loved me. Her stern expression faltered when our eyes met my gaze so hard I though fire would shoot out of my eyes at any moment. I can feel my body heat up but I was keeping in check. "Take the chains off her" she says her voice not as hard as I think she wanted it to be. The guard walks up to me unlocking the chains and taking them off. I growl at him and he backs up quickly making me smirk a bit. I rub my raw wrists and straighten my stance. "I brought you here to tell you that you are free. Azgeda has agreed to peace and leaving you be. We backed off and nothing has happened so it it now safe for you to be let out." She says and I bite back a scuff and just stare at her. Her eyes glance over me and I can see worry in her eyes. "Were you treated alright?" She asks and I quirk a disbelieving brow but don't answer. "your commander is talking to you" Titus scolds making me look at him. "Go to hell" I say and he takes a step forward. "You watch your tongue" he says and I laugh. "Or what? You going to lock me up for another month? Bring it on, I've been locked up for 10 years" I say stepping closer. "Enough. Titus" Lexa says and he steps back beside her. "I am sorry Alex" she says guilt in her voice, and again I say nothing. "I will have clean clothes and a bathe drawn for you" she says and I let a silent scuff out. "I don't want anything from you commander. I won't be staying in your tower." I say and her eyes widen a bit panic in her face before she smooths her face out. "You will be..." She starts but I cut her off. "I won't be doing anything and unless you are going to lock me in there I won't be staying there" I say sternly and she lowers her head. Titus looks upset that I interrupt her but says nothing. "I will have your things moved to your new tent. Octavia can show you to the warrior tents" she says giving me a sad look. "I'm not a warrior" I say and Indra steps forward. "If you would like we would like to have you." She says and Anya comes forward. "You would be my second if you except" she says with a slight smile. I look at them and back to Lexa who has a hopeful look on her face. "Fine" I sigh and her face relaxes. Anya smiles and Octavia looks excited and surprisingly Indra even looks happy. I leave with Octavia in silence as we walk out of the tower and to my new home.

A few hours later all my things were delivered to my small tent in the corner. It's next to Octavia and Lincoln's. They offered a bigger tent since eim a second but I declined not wanting it. I just finished cleaning myself up and changing. Since it was after dinner I left my hair down and stayed in a shirt and loose pants. I say on my little bed grabbing my bow. "Alex?" I hear Octavia ask from outside my tent. "What?" I ask back. "Are you hungry?" She asks and I sigh. "No, I'm fine. I'm going to bed" I say and I don't hear he move but eventually she does and I let out a breath. I set my bow down and walked to the corner and sat on the floor. Guess I'm back into my habit, I think and get comfortable on the ground. I'm about to fall asleep when my tent flap opens and through to single dim candle I see Anya. She looks at the bed and then glances around. She spots me and walks slowly over crouching to my level. "Octavia said you haven't been eating." She says and I shrug. "Let's get you to bed" she says holding out her hand but I don't take it making her drop it. "I can't" I say and she furrows her brows. "Why not?" She asks. "you wouldn't understand" I whisper and she sits down closer to me. "Try me" she says and I sigh looking at the ground. "When you are in captivity you learn to find comfort in the hard ground. When I came here even at the Trikru village in the cot. They were to comfortable, soft. It hurt my back made me feel..." I trailed off sighing then looking at her saddened face. "Being in that cell for a month... I realize I cannot get comfortable now. Even around the people I thought I could and wouldn't hurt me. I won't let that happen again" I say and she looks down. "I am sorry Alex. I should have done something" she says a d I shake my head. "You would have ended up in there with me." I say but she doesn't agree. "I could have visited more at least I just... I couldn't face you. I felt... Feel so guilty." She whispers and I sigh grabbing he hand. "You're forgiven" I say and she looks at me. "How do you have your heart? You have every right to be  the monster you were forced to be but you don't" she says in awe making me shrug. "I want to be. It would be so easy, but no matter how hard I try I still care. I still love her. I love you and Octavia. I want to push everyone away make the pain go away but I can't." I say defeated and she squeezes my hand. "Don't, don't push us away. I won't leave. You're my daughter" she says stroking my cheek. I look at her tears in my eyes. "How do I forgive her?" I choke out. She sighs and hugs me tightly. "I don't know. Just try for me?" She asks and I nod. "That doesn't mean you have to let her back in though Alex. She broke your trust. Your heart. But forgiving her my help you heal a little and maybe you can find your way back together. It will just take time" she says and I nod against her chest. Time. Time is something I don't have. I don't want her to think I hate her after I'm gone, but I'm stubborn so she'll have to fight for my forgiveness. She'll have to bleed for my trust, and she'll have to kill for my love.