Jay Halstead hurt (a-z)

S for suicide

Idea is from @DancingInTheRainfall
⚠️attempted suicide⚠️

S for suicide

He had gotten the call that there was a fire at the apartment of his dad. After that he rushed to the scene where he found firehouse 51 and his dad was out of the fire. He went to the hospital with his dad. But at the hospital Jay and his dad got into an argument. The last words that he had said to his father where: "You don't have any money, you thankless old prick." After that his father had died. He didn't get to say a good goodbye. The words spined in his head every day.

After his father had died, he went back to the apartment with Will and found out that his dad did car about him and his job. His father had saved newspapers and pictures of him, when he graduated or when he had saved someone. Then he broke down crying for the mirror. That was the first time he broke down.

What made things worse, he had first blamed Will for this. He knew deep down that Will couldn't have done anything. The man couldn't be saved anymore. And Jay was so angry that he had hit is older brother, literally had hit him! And after that his brother had just forgiven him. It was even better if his brother had gotten angry at him, now he felt even more guilty. If he had just listened to Will and went back into the room, he wouldn't sit here crying on the floor.

Jay had gone after the prep and had shot him multiple times, but was also shot himself. So he had to take a few days leave for medical reasons. He needed to take it for five days easy and could after that go back to work, but only on desk duty. He was now on day three of the five days. And Erin had gone after the first day back to work because she was needed. An new woman had joined the unit: Hailey Upton. She was now filling his spot, but would likely stay in the unit.

After Erin had left for work was the worst. He was alone in the quiet apartment. Now he was alone with his thought and he couldn't think about anything other than what he had said to his dad. Jay felt guilty towards his dad. He should have meet up more and keep in touch, but he didn't and now he couldn't, because his father was dead.

He felt the anger coming up in him. He tried to push it down, but it didn't work. So he pushed the wall with his right hand. You thankless old prick! Jay hit now the wall with his left hand. His dad had said: "You are no doctor", with disappointed in his voice. He hadn't made his dad proud and that was one thing he would like to do. To get the approval from his father. But his father had always looked down on him. When he went to war his father was angry at him and then Jay has joined the police academy and you could see the disappointed from his face when Jay had told him. Jay punched the wall again. "You are no doctor!" Went the voice in his head. He punched the wall again and again. After a few minutes he stopped and slid down the wall. He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his faced in his legs. He began crying and put all the blame on himself. After ten minutes, he found the courage to get up and got into the shower. He washed his bloody knuckles. After that he came out of the shower and changed into some comfort clothes.

If he was honest with himself, he was disappointed in himself and now he knew how his dad had felt about him and probably Will had felt the same. Will became angry last time he was hurt. Will was done with Jay getting so much hurt. He was a burden to Will and probably also to Erin. She didn't need to worry about him. She need to have a good life. And he knows for sure that he can't take another dead man. He lost so much men overseas and now his father, he can't deal with it anymore. But he need to get through this, he have done this before. When he came back from Afghanistan his mental health was not good, but he had Mouse. Now he couldn't be also a burden to Mouse. But he needed to fight this and then he can go back to being himself.

He went to bed early that night, even before Erin came home. They caught a difficult case and needed to stay late. He could sleep and leave his thoughts alone for a couple of hours. He felt quickly asleep after the stressful and difficult day he had had.