Untitled

Chapter Sixteen

  "What should I wear? Should I wear jeans and a t-shirt or do you think I should dress up more? Like a sweater..dress pants maybe oh or button down and jeans- yeah, I think I'll do that or should I go for like..more?" Alek stressed, picking up and setting down a few different shirts.
  "We're just going on a date, Leks. Why are you so stressed?" Sebastien chuckled.
  "Because we're going on our first date since being back together and now everyone's gonna know, which I am really happy about, but like..we're gonna be photographed, Bash, so I'm just a little.." Alek trailed off and shook his hands in front of him with wide eyes.
  "You're photographed all the time and everyone already knows that you're gay. I don't know what you're worried about." Sebastien said.
  Alek sighed. "I know but like...it's official now. I have a boyfriend and everyone knows. And I- it's just..different now. I feel like...I don't know I feel like I need to..impress them."
  "Impress who? You already have a shit ton of fans. I'm sure they're not gonna nit pick your outfit. If anything, they'll make jabs at me." Sebastien chuckled.
  "Hey, don't say that, everyone loves you. Take one look at my Instagram comments and you'd see that." Alek said, finally putting on his outfit.
  "Yeah, those are your fans. People who like you and will support you no matter what. I'm talking about the people who don't comment on your every post. The ones who are there for the image your dad created. The ones who will finally start speaking up and will show up in my comment section and dms saying shit about me turning you gay and ruining your image because I'm a guy or because I'm Latino." Sebastien said.
  Alek turned to him. "Have people already been doing that?"
  Sebastien nodded, then shrugged. "No big deal. Nothing I've never heard before."
  "No, stop doing that. You can't just brush off things people do and say to you like it's nothing. Your thick skin and confident demeanor are two things I love about you, but I would like for you to admit, at least once, that some people are really shitty and that what they say hurts." Alek sighed, walking up to Sebastien.
  Sebastien chuckled and shook his head. "Yeah, alright, it sucks. But it doesn't compare to all of the positive comments. I was just saying that you coming out went well and you have nothing to worry about. I haven't seen anyone being nasty in your comments and I love that."
  "That's cause I have a social media team, Bash. They filter all the shit out. They report comments, block people, delete messages, all that lovely stuff." Alek said.
  "Oh shit, really? Can I get in on that? I hate the little bubble at the top showing dms and notifications and shit. Since you posted me on Instagram, it hasn't stopped going up." Sebastien chuckled.
  "Yeah, of course. I'm not just gonna sit back and let more people treat you like shit. I'll bring it up to my manager and I know she'll get right on it." Alek said, balancing on one foot as he slipped on his other shoe. "Okay. I'm ready."
  "For real?" Sebastien raised a brow. "Because you said that thirty minutes and four outfit changes ago."
  "Yes. For real. This outfit is good, right?" Alek asked, looking down at his clothes.
  Sebastien smiled. "Yes, you look lovely."
Alek's eyes were wide and unsure. His hands seemed to shake, but Sebastien grabbed them and placed them on his shoulders, then held Alek's waist. "We got this."
  Alek exhaled and half nodded. "We got this."
  The restaurant was fairly crowded, but it didn't look like the paparazzi knew where they were yet.
  It felt good to hold Alek's hand in public. To walk beside him and have people know what they are. That they mean something to each other.
  "Rochester." Alek said to the lady at the front desk.
  Sebastien had never been to a fancy restaurant like this before, so he assumed that's why Alek took on the tone that he did.
  They sat in the front by a window, but they were still fairly secluded.
  "I can't believe we're on a date. Like an actual date. In public." Sebastien smiled, looking at Alek across the table.
  Alek nodded and gave a closed-mouth smile. "Mhm."
  The waiter showed up a few seconds later and Alek didn't move an inch. Sebastien turned towards the waiter and smiled gently.
  "Can I get you guys started with some drinks?" He asked, holding his notepad out.
  Sebastien felt very aware of the fact that he had never ordered anything from a place like this. What do they serve? Is it impolite to order a beer? Do they even have beer?
  "Mr. Rochester. How lovely to see you again." The waiter said, seeming to just take notice of Alek.
  The way the waiter addressed him finally made Alek look up from the table. His face held a painfully fake smile. "Water with lemon."
  The waiter turned to Sebastien. "And for you, sir?"
  "Um..what wine would you recommend?" Sebastien asked, slightly tilting his head.
  "Our signature wine is a lovely Merlot, but our Chardonnay is definitely the most popular, along with our classic red wine." The waiter recited politely.
  "I'll have a red wine." Sebastien smiled.
  "Of course. I will need to see some identification."
  "Right." Sebastien pulled out his wallet and handed his ID to the waiter. After a simple inspection, he slid two small menus onto the table and left with polite words.
  "So..what are you gonna get? I'm kinda clueless here." Sebastien chuckled, eyeing the confusing menu.
  "Not hungry." Alek said, having taken to staring out the window and shaking his leg beneath the table.
  Sebastien felt like he was noticing so many things about Alek that he didn't before. The way he never sits still. The way his eyes are either moving too much or not at all. The way his nostrils seem to flare every time he takes a breath. The way he's barely said anything since they got here.
  The way Alek wasn't blinking reminded Sebastien a lot of that day in his apartment and he couldn't ignore the overwhelming feeling that something bad was about to happen.
  Just after the waiter returned and took their orders (Alek had nodded stiffly when Sebastien asked if their steak was good), a crowd of people and cameras appeared outside of the window.
  Alek had stopped staring out of the glass and seemed to straighten his posture before quickly emptying his glass of water.
  Sebastien subtly glanced out the window, seeing lenses and flashes and a few phones held by manicured hands. He slowly turned away and drank his wine.
  Sebastien knows that Alek is an introvert. Hell, all he talked about when they first started seeing each other was how much he hated publicity and events and crowds. He just never spaced out or went nearly mute. He knows that Alek was nervous about today, but his demeanor was really odd and honestly kind of alarming.
  The food arrived. Alek didn't move. The waiter filled Alek's water. He still didn't move.
  Sebastien scooted to the edge of his seat and leaned forward as much as he could without being completely uncivilized. "Hey, Leks...are you okay?"
  For the first time in the last hour, Alek looked up at him. Their eyes met. Alek's were bloodshot and watery. His cheeks seemed slimmer than usual and although his arms were crossed, his hands still shook. He held eye contact with Sebastien and very gently shook his head.
  "Okay. Do you want to leave?"
  Alek nodded.
  "Alright. Fuck." Sebastien exhaled. He glanced around the room, looking for their waiter, who was nowhere in sight.
  Sebastien was scared. Alek was taking loud, ragged breaths. He looked like he was in so much pain. He wasn't saying anything and Sebastien wanted to badly to talk to him. To ask him what was wrong, but he knew he couldn't. It was jarring to see Alek sitting motionless in front of him, his eyes unblinking and his jaw clenched. He had never seen him look so detached and empty.
  He finally caught sight of the waiter and waved him over.
  "I am terribly sorry to cut this short, but we have a family emergency to attend to. Could we get the bill please?" Sebastien used his infamous waiter voice.
  "Of course, no problem at all. Mr. Rochester has a tab here, I could put this on there for you, that way you can leave right away."
  "That would be lovely. Thank you so much. You've been so great." Sebastien stood up and grabbed whatever cash was in his wallet and handed it to the nice man, who was very delighted at the generous tip.
  "Come on, let's go." Sebastien said gently, standing next to Alek's seat. He stood up and Sebastien grabbed his hand, only to have it immediately shaken off. He looked over and saw that Alek had tightly crossed his arms again.
  Sebastien led him out of the restaurant, where they were immediately bombarded with flashing cameras and incessant questions.
  "Are you dating!?"
  "Aleksander, is this your boyfriend!?"
  "Is this the guy you mentioned at your press conference!?"
  "Doesn't he work at your parents' country club!?"
  "Aleksander, have you spoken to your father recently!?"
  "How is your mother taking the divorce!?"
  "What does your mother think about you being gay!?"
  Sebastien was surprised when he felt Alek grab the back of his shirt, but he let him hold onto the fabric all the way to the car.
  He didn't realize that Alek probably wasn't okay to drive until they got there. He turned around to face him, but Alek was already a few feet away, rubbing his chest with the palm of his right hand.
  The paparazzi had followed them and Sebastien felt more overwhelmed in this moment than any of the times he had to babysit his siblings by himself. He pulled his phone out and quickly ordered an Uber.
  He slowly walked up to Alek and reached for his hand. Alek ripped his hand away again. It hurt a lot more the second time, but he tried not to dwell on it.
  "Alek, I don't...I don't know what to do. There's a car coming for us because well, I at least know you probably shouldn't drive, but are you like...okay?" Sebastien felt like he was approaching a deer in the woods. Like if he moved to fast, Alek would run away.
  Alek looked at him. His eyes were still red and his chapped lips parted slightly. He was breathing in a way that made Sebastien feel lightheaded just from hearing it. He couldn't stand still and it looked like he was trying to scratch off his tattoos with his fingernails.
  Sebastien wanted nothing more than to reach forward and hold him, but he learned his lesson the last two times. Don't touch a hyperventilating Alek. No matter how much you might want to.
  Half of the time, Sebastien could see Alek's pained face and the other half of the time, Alek's back was turned to him. He couldn't figure out which was worse.
  The fact that the people with questions and flashing cameras stayed a fair distance away made Sebastien think that maybe they were contractually obligated to stay a respectful distance away. Or they have a restraining order.
  The car finally showed up and Sebastien had to basically herd Alek into it like a fucking sheep. He thought that getting away from the cameras and strangers would make things better, but it got so much worse.
  Alek's odd half pacing suddenly made sense when he seemed to lose all oxygen in his lungs the second he sat down.
  Despite the fact that he looked like he was literally about to die, Alek was containing it scarily well. Like it was actually terrifying.
  His eyes were closed and his head was leaned back against the chair. His hand had found a permanent place on his chest, either patting, scratching, or moving in harsh circles. His jaw was clenched and his nostrils continued to flare with every loud breath he took.
  "Is your friend okay?" The Uber driver asked, looking at them through the rear view mirror.
  "Um.." Sebastien glanced at Alek and every fiber of his being wanted to say no. "Yeah. He's alright. Just um..could you drive a littler faster?"
  The Uber driver nodded wordlessly and sped the car up, which made Alek flinch in his seat.
  "Leks, I'm so sorry. I really want to like..help, but I don't know what to do." Sebastien said, his throat tightening around his words.
  Alek nodded excessively, then turned his head towards Sebastien. "S'okay...fine. M'fine. Alright."
  Every word was breathy and forced, but Sebastien nodded anyway. They finally made it to his apartment and Alek got out before he even paid the driver.
  Sebastien probably paid them too much, but he didn't exactly have time to count money at the moment. He hopped out of the car and walked over to Alek, who had resumed his pacing and the rubbing of his chest.
  Sebastien felt like a bystander. Like Alek was an NPC he had to watch before he could do any game play.
  He had taken to humming and attempting to mumble words to himself. It was less scary to witness, but Sebastien still felt useless. He shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter.
  He grabbed one and hesitated for a second before holding them towards Alek, "Want one?"
  Alek stopped pacing and looked over at him. He looked down at the cigarettes and back up to Sebastien. He nodded.
  Sebastien inched closer, grabbed a cigarette, and handed it to Alek, who took his with a shaking hand. Sebastien lit both of their cigarettes and then tucked the lighter and the box back into his pocket.
  "Better?" Sebastien asked after a few silent minutes.
  Alek crushed the rest of his cigarette under his shoe. "No."
  "Okay. Cool." Sebastien nodded, finishing his cigarette. "Wanna go inside?"
  Alek froze again and the way he looked at Sebastien felt cold and distant. "Not really."
  Sebastien nodded again and tried out Alek's half pacing. After a few turns, he got a bit dizzy and stopped. He slowly walked over to Alek and habitually reached out to hold his arms. It was this time that he realized Alek wasn't simply pulling away from him. He was flinching.
  "Please don't." Alek's voice cracked in a way that only made Sebastien want to hold him more.
  "I'm sorry." Sebastien exhaled, slowly putting his hands down and stepping backwards.
  He never heard the words from Alek, but he knew. He often flashed back to the press conference he had seen a few weeks ago, when Alek had come out and said how horrible his dad was to him. Alek never talked about him. He seemed to avoid him and his name at all costs, actually. Sebastien doesn't blame him. He just wishes he knew more than he did. Maybe then he could be of some help to Alek instead of a problem that keeps trying to touch him when he clearly doesn't want to be.
  "Alek.." Sebastien had a sentence prepared, but couldn't even get it out before Alek was choking on incoherent words.
  "Sorry I'm sorry. I'll stop I...I can stop almost I swear..it I'm okay I'm sorry." Alek shook his hands and looked at Sebastien with red, teary eyes.
  "Leks, it's okay. I was just going to ask if you were ready to go upstairs now." Sebastien said carefully.
  "O-okay. That's..fine."
  "Are you sure?"
  Alek nodded.
  "Okay.." Sebastien motioned for Alek to walk inside, preferring to keep him in sight at the moment.
  Alek hesitated, then took a slow step forward. He looked back at Sebastien, then very slowly ascended the concrete stairs. He opened the door to the apartment building and quickly slipped to the side and stood with his back facing the nearest wall.
  Sebastien couldn't help but to look at him with furrowed eyebrows. Alek has been to Sebastien's apartment a million times and not once has he ever done that. But he waited for him and he eventually walked ahead of Sebastien up the stairs. He was still moving slowly and the way he constantly looked back irked Sebastien.
  He took a few steps up, now level with Alek, and attempted to reach for him again. All he did was slowly outstretch a hand towards Alek, reaching for his hand. Alek didn't pull away this time. He didn't even flinch. What he did was worse. He closed his eyes, slightly turned his cheek, and balled his hands into tight, shaking fists. His chest started noticeably rising and falling again and a choked sob fell out of his mouth.
  Sebastien didn't know what to do. He was lost and scared and so worried he was going to do something wrong and unintentionally hurt Alek.
  He felt like saying anything in this moment would be wrong. Like any words or tone he could choose wouldn't be nice for Alek to hear. He didn't feel like any touch--no matter how gentle--would be good either.
  So he walked away. He slowly ascended the rest of the stairs and walked down the hall to his apartment. He unlocked the door and left it open, then took a seat on his clothing covered chair.
  It felt like hours of silent waiting. Every small sound made him look up and hope to see Alek standing there. He tapped his fingers and then ran them through his hair. He stood up and then sat back down. And finally, ten minutes later, Alek walked in.
  Sebastien looked up at him, but he didn't move or say anything. Alek stood in the doorway silently. His hair was messier than before, his cheeks were wet, and the front of his shirt was wrinkled. He stared at Sebastien, his eyes slowly got redder and his teeth pulled on his bottom lip. He inhaled sharply, "I- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't be mad at me.." He choked on a sob, "Please- please don't hate me."
  Sebastien got up and by the way Alek stepped back, he knew that he had stood up a bit too fast. "Leks...I really want to hold you right now, but I can't and I hate that.."
  "I'm sorry. It's my f..ault my fault." Alek said, still crying loudly.
  "No. No. Don't say that. Look at me, Leks."
Alek slowly looked at Sebastien, tears falling down his cheeks that were tucked between his teeth.
  "Leks.." Sebastien swallowed and tried to talk without crying. "I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."
  "It..hurts."
  "I know."
  "My chest hurts. I can't breathe. It hurts." Alek repeated, pushing his hand around his chest. "I'm not- I can't breathe."
  Sebastien slowly walked towards him. "You can breathe, Leks. You're doing it right now."
  "No, no, you can't feel it I can feel it. I'm the one feeling it I can feel it. Here. It's here and I can feel it. I'm- I can't I can't. I don't like it, Bash I don't like it." Alek shook his head and choked on a sob.
  Sebastien had finally reached him and he never knew that the feeling of Alek falling into his arms could feel so terrible. Alek fell forward, his face in Sebastien's chest and his hands gripping the back of his shirt. He cried. Hard. He shook in Sebastien's arms.
  "I can still feel him, Bash. I can still feel him. He's there it's like he's there and he won't go away and I can't do it I can't do it."
Sebastien never considered himself to be a violent person. But he definitely felt capable of murder in this moment.
  He rubbed Alek's back gently and, although Alek had a height advantage, he rested his cheek atop Alek's head. His hair was soft and it smelled like apples and smoke.
  "He's not here, Leks. You don't have to worry about him anymore, okay? I know you can't just shake it, but I will say it to you as many times as it takes because I hate seeing you like this. And I hate that he's the fucking reason for it. You don't deserve this shit." Sebastien exhaled.
  Alek was still crying, but his intakes of air had gotten quieter and he had stopped mumbling words into Sebastien's chest.
  They ended up in Sebastien's bed, Alek laying on his chest, playing with the fabric of his shirt. Sebastien continued to gently run his fingers up and down Alek's back.
  The room was silent for a while. Just the two of them breathing and rustling fabric.
  As if Alek could sense that Sebastien was about to talk, he moved his head so he was looking up at Sebastien. "Can we...talk.. tomorrow?"
  "Yes, of course." Sebastien pulled Alek against his chest and kissed his forehead.