Untitled

Ben's Prologue

  Ben wouldn't call himself a pessimist. But he wouldn't call himself an optimist, either. A realist, he presumes. Ask anyone who knows him and they'll go on a rant about how he's the most pessimistic person they know. But he's not, really. He's realistic. He's a go-getter. He's not necessarily hopeful for the future. He supposes maybe he doesn't even have one at this point.
  He's an alcoholic, you see. He knows this. He doesn't take pride in it. But he also doesn't make an effort to stop. Why would he?
  Even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't stop. It's been four years. Although, Ben would say it's barely been one. He doesn't really count the years he didn't drink every day, even though his reason behind drinking has always been the same; to change how he feels. He's always felt stiff and stressed out. For as long as he can remember, he turned every experience into stress. He never feels relaxed when he's sober. So he simply doesn't let himself get sober.
  Ben started drinking when he was 15. He was like any normal freshman trying to fit in at a party and unintentionally found something that he loves. He remembers the time he had his very first drink vividly.
  It was finally Friday. The weekend was just hours away. Ben doesn't hate school, but the quiet of the teenager-free environment was always nice on his ears.
  "Psst...hey..Ben.." Someone whispered behind him.
  Ben turned around and saw Luka, a long haired, goth Junior, who was dating his best friend. He wasn't very fond of Luka, his stick-and-poke tattoos, lip ring, black clothes, and the influence he has on Sebastien. Sebastien was his only friend and as long as Luka was around, he had Sebastien's full attention.
  "What?" Ben asked, visibly annoyed.
  "You coming to the party tonight?"
  Ben rolled his eyes. "That's such a cliché."
  "So..no? I just need to know how much alcohol to get. I know Bash is coming, thought you'd be a two for one deal." Luka chuckled gently.
  "Sebastien's going?" Ben asked, already upset that he had to learn the information through Luka instead of Sebastien himself.
  "Uh..yeah. Why are you so surprised?"
  "I'm not." Ben lied.
  Ever since Sebastien met Luka, he's been more rebellious. He skips class, he hangs out with Juniors and Seniors, and Ben swears he smelled smoke on him once. Sebastien doesn't smoke.
  "So are you gonna come?" Luka asked carefully.
  "Yes. Fine. I'll go."
  "Alright!" Luka clapped his hands and smiled, then leaned back into his chair.
  Sebastien entered the classroom and made a beeline for Luka, where he leaned over the desk to kiss him sloppily.
  "Guess what? Ben said he's gonna come tonight." Luka said as soon as Sebastien pulled away.
  "Really?" Sebastien turned to face him, "Finally pulling your stick out of the mud, Benny?"
  Ben rolled his eyes. "I'm only going to keep an eye on you. I'm not going to party."
  "We'll see about that." Luka smirked, slapping Sebastien's ass before he walked away.
  "You gotta let loose every once in a while, Ben. You're so tightly wound, you're gonna give yourself grey hair." Sebastien said, taking his sest next to Ben.
  "You're the one who's gonna give me grey hair." Ben sighed, crossing his arms.
  Ben never pictured himself as the stereotypical teen. Sometimes he didn't even feel like a teenager. But here he was in a car with a bunch of loud Juniors and Seniors, heading to a party that he really didn't want to be going to.
  He was shoved in the backseat with a handsy girl, who was already drunk. Due to the commotion of the car, he could barely see Sebastien, who was in the passenger seat next to Luka--who was driving obviously.
  Simply walking into Luka's house had Ben regretting his decision to come. Sebastien was immediately whisked off with Luka and his Junior friends, leaving Ben to fend for himself.
  He sighed and glanced around the crowded room, looking for a quiet place he could hunker down in for the rest of the night. He ended up in the kitchen, where there was only a handful of people, most of which filed out after filling up their cups.
  Ben leaned against the counter and let out a breath. He could be at home doing homework or helping his parents at the restaurant. He could be doing something actually worthwhile, but he just had to give into the pressure of high school. He kept telling himself that he agreed to go so he could look after Sebastien, but considering he doesn't even see him when Luka is around, that was definitely just an excuse.
  Maybe he wants to be normal and actually feel like a teenager instead of a middle-aged man. Maybe he wants friends and a girlfriend. Ben hates it, but he's envious of Sebastien. That stuff comes so naturally to him, but it's an area Ben has always struggled in. He's 14 and his only friend is Sebastien. He thinks maybe if they didn't grow up next door to each other, he wouldn't have any friends at all. He knows that he needs to put himself out there more, so maybe that's what this is.
  "You look stressed out."
  Ben looked up, seeing a pretty girl with curly red hair smiling at him. Her face was soft and her head was tilted slightly as she scanned his most likely bummed-out face.
  "Oh..um..I'm just not used to all this." Ben chuckled, gesturing around gently.
  "You get used to it. Want a drink?" She asked, pointing her thumb to the array of beverages on the island behind her.
  "Um..I don't know.."
  "Come on, I'll make you something good." She smiled, then turned around and grabbed a new cup. "I'm Jenna."
  "Ben."
  "You're Sebastien's friend, right?" Jenna turned around and held the solo cup out to Ben.
  Ben nodded, pushing his lips toghether in a somewhat smile. He can't remember the last time he had a conversation with someone, where he wasn't referred to as 'Sebastien's friend.' He doesn't mind it really, it's just something he's noticed.
  "It's not poison, you know." Jenna chuckled, nodding her head at the untouched drink in Ben's hand.
  Ben looked down at the cup and brought the drink up to his nose, sniffing it gently. He then brought the cup to his mouth and took a small sip. The taste wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it would be. It actually wasn't bad at all. It was.. good...really good.
  "Like it?" Jenna smiled, taking a drink from her own cup.
  Ben nodded. He brought the cup back up to his mouth, chugging the rest of it.
  "Damn! You've drank before, huh?" Jenna chuckled, turning to grab a bottle and holding it out towards Ben.
  Ben stared at it and already felt his head spin slightly. He held is cup out, letting Jenna fill it back up. He drank it faster than the first one.
  Finally. He felt good. He felt relaxed. Ben never felt relaxed. He was born tightly wound and ever since school turned into a place where you need to constantly prove yourself, Ben's body has been a permanent home for stress.
  He was now three or seven drinks in--he kinda lost count--and he felt great. He no longer wants to leave the party and do homework. He kind of wants to stay and makeout with someone.
  Ben would like to think that he's charismatic enough to make a move on someone sober, but he knows that if he wasn't weak-legged and foggy-minded, he would've never stepped forward and kissed Jenna.
  He was delightfully surprised when she kissed back and didn't push him away. She tasted like lipstick and lime juice. He liked it a lot. Her hands on his sides felt so nice.
  Sober Ben figured he probably shouldn't lose his virginity to someone he doesn't know and especially not at a house party while under the influence. But sober Ben wasn't present to make that decision, so he stumbled up the stairs and into a room, pulling Jenna along by her hand.
  Ben doesn't really remember sex with Jenna, but he remembers drinking a lot more after that.  He remembers going to every party with Sebastien because of it. His outgoing, party animal of a best friend was none the wiser.
  A sequence of loud bangs shook the door suddenly. "Yo! Benjamin! I gotta piss, man!"
  That would be Sebastien. Ben figures Sebastien is the only reason he hasn't killed himself yet. Because if he wasn't here, who would look after him? Who would be here to make sure he's safe and not getting screwed over?
  Sure, Sebastien has his own family back home and Ben's parents here, but no one really knows what Sebastien gets up to. Except for Ben. He's always been there to see the risky decisions, the late night hookups, the heartbreak, and the trust issues that stem from it all. He's seen Sebastien grow up. He can't leave him before he finds someone who truly loves and deserves him.
  In this moment, Ben can't think of something worth sticking around for. Except for Sebastien.
  So he pushed himself up off of the bathroom floor and buried the two bottles at the bottom of the trash can. He planned on sitting here a bit longer and awaiting the inevitable regurgitation of what he knows was way too much fucking alcohol, but he supposes the trash can in his bedroom will do the job just fine.
  Sebastien knows that he drinks. He just doesn't know that Ben frequents the bathroom floor because of it. And Ben would rather fuck Sebastien than ever admit to him that he isn't as perfect as he pretends to be.
  "Ew, you smell like booze." Sebastien cringed, then quickly brushed past Ben into the bathroom.
  "Right back at you." Ben mumbled.
  "I smell like booze because I work in a club. What's your excuse?" Sebastien raised his eyebrows and placed a hand on his hip.
  "How do you even work at a club? You're not even seventeen yet."
  Sebastien smirked and shrugged. "I have my ways. You avoided my question. What's with the pungent smell?"
  "When was the last time your neck wasn't covered in hickeys?" Ben changed the subject, flicking his eyes down to Sebastien's bruise covered neck.
  "Seventh grade."
  Ben chuckled and shook his head, then crossed his arms. "What are you doing here anyway? Thought I'd never see you once you moved out."
  "I told you I have to piss and I have to pick up my dinner, so two birds and all that." Sebastien said with a wave of his hand. "You better sober up, your girlfriend is downstairs."
  Ben nodded and then stumbled his way through the hall and down the stairs to the restaurant. A mint had made its way into his mouth, but the logical part of his brain knew that wasn't enough to mask the alcohol smell.
  "Benjamin, your girlfriend is here." His mom gave him a look from behind the counter.
  "Yeah, yeah, I know." Ben sighed.
  The tone your mother uses when talking about your significant other should be a tell of whether or not you should keep them around. But Ben has always been self sufficient, so ignoring his mother's displeased look was his way of saying that he'll decide on his own when it's over. He knows his girlfriend is shitty, but he's at that point in his life where he'd rather be miserable with someone than be alone.
  "I've been here for almost an hour. Where have you been?" Vanessa sighed as Ben approached her.
  "I'm sorry, I worked late last night, so I fell asleep on my break." Ben rubbed his face and exhaled sharply.
  "It's fine. Let's just go. I don't want to smell like marinara." Vanessa sighed again.
  Ben followed her out the door and to his car, where he opened the passenger door for her.
  "Where to?" He asked, after starting the car.
  "You're the guy. Shouldn't you know that already?"
  Ben nodded silently and pulled out of the parking lot.
  "Do we always have to go somewhere with an open bar?" Vanessa huffed, rolling her eyes.
  "Where the fuck else are we supposed to go? This is your favorite restaurant, right?" Ben sighed, putting the car in park harshly.
  "Well..yeah, but..."
  "But what? You just want to have something to complain about."
  "Let's just go." Vanessa mumbled, climbing out of the car and slamming the door.
  Ben could feel her eyes on him as he drank the cocktail he ordered. He looked up at her, "What?"
  "Don't play dumb with me. You're clearly already drunk and you're going to drink more when you have to fucking drive me home?"
  "I'm not drunk."
  "Bullshit."
  "Am I on the fucking floor!? Am I passed out or slurring my fucking speech!? I'm not drunk, I had one fucking drink. This makes two. That's not against the fucking law." Ben huffed, downing the rest of his drink quickly.
  Vanessa sighed and shook her head. She stood up and grabbed her purse from the back of her chair. "I am not getting into a car with you."
  "We were just in ghe car and we didn't die. Don't be dramatic." Ben rolled his eyes.
  "I can't do this, Ben. I can't watch you drink yourself into an early grave."
  "What the fuck are you talking about? I have two drinks and suddenly I'm an alcoholic!?"
  "I've seen it before and I can't fucking deal with this shit again. If you can't see it, then you need fucking help."
  "Oh please," Ben rolled his eyes again, "My uncle is an alcoholic. You're blowing this way out of proportion."
  "Am I? Then let's go down to the police station right now and you tell them that you're okay to drive."
  "You're fucking crazy."
  "If crazy means concerned for your safety and my own, then yeah, I'm fucking crazy. If you're not going to admit that you have a problem, then we're done." Vanessa huffed, then stood silently, seeming expectant.
  "I guess we're done, then." Ben smiled sarcastically.
  Vanessa nodded and then turned around quickly and walked out of the restaurant.
  Ben shook his head and sighed, "Bitch."
  He felt like punching a wall, but instead, he ordered another drink.
  When Ben got back home that night. he was right on the edge of throwing up. He's not sure if he can even feel drunk anymore, but his body sure does like to reject the copious amounts of alcohol he pours into it every day. Instead of drunk, he feels numb and if he's not numb, he wishes he was. So he tells himself it's like any other medication people take. It simply makes him feel better. Maybe technically he's an alcoholic, but he still functions, so he's okay.