𝐞𝐯𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 ♥

'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'

hello again. yes you're probably getting really sick and tired of these authors notes by now and i can only give you my deepest apologies. i'm not doing too good in myself at the moment. as i said in the previous authors note i did, i went to visit family whom i hadn't seen since 2020. the family i went to visit was my granddad and the last time i saw him before i went on saturday was at my nana's funeral in 2020. when we went to visit he brought up that there was still stuff of my nana's in her wardrobe; like old photo albums, some clothes, stuff like that. so we did gather up all that stuff and it is currently sat in our car boot as we can't bring ourselves to look through it. well i say we, everyone else in my house can but i can't. every time i look at it or remember that we have it i feel the pain and grief of loosing her all over again. and i know that i have made this book for my own fun and to make myself happy, and that i should really be devoting more time to it than i currently am; but i can't fathom the strength within myself to even get out of bed right now, let alone write anything. 

now i may be contradicting myself a little bit as i am writing this right now but i just wanted to write this out and get it off my chest so that i don't burden myself about not publishing anything. and yes i am pretty much burdening you guys reading this with my problems but i am sorry, i just felt like you should know whats going on in my life that is causing me to not publish anything or put anything but authors notes on this book at this present moment in time. if you didn't know, which lets be honest you probably don't, i used to have a poems book. yes i know, poems how nerdy but they weren't any poems; they were quite vividly depressing poems that i wrote to subtly open up without having to come out and say "oh this is how i feel". now i was re-reading them earlier on because i was in shambles, i was a wreck. i couldn't stop crying until i stopped for a while and now i'm back at it again whilst writing this. thats besides the point, anyways, i wanted an escape rather than doing one of my bad habits. and i came across one of my poems that just described me and how i feel in my life right now. 

the poem goes: grief. many deal with it in different ways. many use sadness to deal with it, to cope. others don't. some push the grief away into a tiny little box and get on with their lives. but even then that grief still gets them. it could catch them at any moment in time: sat in bed, in school, at work or even out in the public. it could just hit you like a punch in the face. and all these emotions come rushing forwards. sadness, anger, frustration, sometimes even numbness. grieving someone or something is never easy, for anyone. it's gonna be hard for every person who deals with it. grief is a very scary thing. 

now this poem at the time was a new thing on my mind as i wrote this on april 24th 2022, in which a few days prior to this, april 22nd to be precise, one of my close friends took her own life. now this poem was about my friend but the fact that i didn't get to really fully grieve my nana, it feels like this poem has a whole new meaning to me. which i know that its not new meaning at all because she's been gone for over 2 years and my friends only been gone a matter of months but the point i'm trying to say is; because we never got to sort through any of my nanas belongings back in 2020 because of the restrictions and the lockdown rules everything's all coming back to me now. but i know in my mind that the only reason why this is, is because i never really grieved her in lockdown i just pushed it away in my mind and got on with online school. and now that i'm older and more matured then i was, i feel it alot more. 

the death of my nana has always been on my mind though, i still to this day cry about it. but knowing that some of her stuff is within the facility of me rather than in my grandparents house makes the feelings heighten. along with the stuff of my nana, school is alot too. i have tests when i go back in january and i'm quite literally fighting my anxiety, constantly trying to control it and not let it control me. i don't do well with tests, the stress of them, the anxiety of them, any of it. the revision and studying part is okay to be honest but when i know what its for it stresses me out and sets my anxiety off. and if my anxiety is high, it could cause me to go on a bad bpd depressive episode and let me tell you those mixed with my adhd & autism are definitely not good at all. but i am on medication for it all though don't worry.

anyways, this turned very depressive very quickly... i only wanted this to be a short thing but i kinda just rambled on through my thoughts and my tears. i hope that you guys don't think of me any differently now than you ever did, and if anyone ever needs to talk i am always here. my dms are always open on wattpad. ily all so much, you all mean so much to me even if i don't know you.

thank you so much for caring and reading this :)

-abi<333

19/12/2022