Amanda Gabrielle’s POV
“I didn’t expect that you’ll be here tonight. Ang tagal mong hindi pumunta rito.” Railie said while watching me play billiard. “Na-miss ko sumargo, eh.” Sagot ko bago tumira ulit. “Si Denver, may jowa na.” Tumawa siya. “Talaga? Nag-commit na siya?” Tanong ko.
“Oo, gago! Nagulat din ako, bigla na lang may ipinakilala sa amin!” Sabi niya ulit. “Angas, ah? Nakahanap ng katapat.” Binitawan ko na muna ’yong cue stick at kinuha ’yong alak na binili ko. “Ikaw ba? May nahanap ka na? Baka kaya bigla ka lang din nawala, ha!” Umiling naman ako. “Kung mag-commit man ako, sigurado ako na hindi sa relationship ’yon.” I chuckled.
“Gago?” Gulat niya akong tinignan. “Ikaw ba? May jowa ka na?” Tanong ko na lang. “Bebe lang, hindi naman ako nililigawan, eh.” Sumargo siya. “Gwapo?” Natawa naman siya sa tanong ko. “Oo naman!”
“Aces’ student din ’yon!” Bahagya naman tumaas ang kilay ko. “Ugali lang ang tapon sa mga Aces’ student.” Natatawa naman na sabi ko sa kaniya. “Oo, wala namang nakapasok doon na bobo, eh.” Sagot niya. “Ano pala ako?” Tumawa siya. “Tanga, ang talino mo kaya? Sapakin kita riyan, eh.”
“Mababa na lahat ng grades ko this semester.” That’s not a lie. I haven’t been attending most of my classes these past few days. “Bakit?” Tanong niya. “I don’t know.” But maybe because I already stopped trying so hard. Hindi ko rin naman talaga gusto ang mga ginagawa ko.
What am I even trying to work hard for, right? I’ve been doing that for years. I wanted high grades because I thought that I wanted to have something to brag in front of my family because that is all that I have, but there’s a huge part of me that’s telling me that it’s not true.
Having something to brag was not my true reason. I wanted to have high grades because I'm still hoping for them to be at least prouf of me.
I am so stupid. I hate myself for being like this.
“Everything is overwhelming you, ’no?” Napatingin ako kay Railie nang itanong niya ’yon. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to say anything.” She smiled. “I have to go.” Nagmamadali akong bumalik sa kotse ko.
Why the fuck am I feeling like this? Why everyone who cares about me are making me feel so suffocated? It feels like they are abusing me! What’s happening?
Why am I looking for pain? For someone who’s gonna hurt me physically? What the fuck am I feeling? I'm worse!
Love and care seems like abusing for me... While abuse feels like love.
I am so complicated! I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. I want to hurt everyone around me so that they will hurt me, too. I want to feel every pain... because right now, I can’t feel anything. I am that complicated.
As much as I want to have someone to stay with me, I can’t. Because I always end up pushing them away. Kahit ayaw ko, itinutulak ko pa rin sila palayo sa akin kasi pakiramdam ko ay mali ’yon. Mali na may manatili sa tabi ko. They will suffer if they will stay with me. I can’t offer or give them anything, too.
Sobrang gulo ng buhay ko. Gulong-gulo na rin ako sa sarili ko.
If someone will ask me about my life, I probably can’t answer them because... I also can’t understand my life. Kahit ilang tanong pa, hindi ko pa rin talaga kayang sagutin. Ano ba ang alam ko sa buhay ko? Puro peke naman ang ginagawa ko.
Sinabunutan ko ang sarili ko para mawala ang mga iniisip ko. Ang bigat sa ulo at dibdib, parang hindi ko na kinakaya.
I started bumping my head on the steering wheel again. At nang magsawa ako na gawin ’yon, napasandal na lang ako, taking deep breaths while my tears are falling. Napapikit ako na lang ako nang mariin.
BINABASA MO ANG
Her Solitude in Darkness
Teen FictionAmanda Gabrielle is a girl who had a traumatic childhood. She was neglected by her own family, which led her to be the girl who only finds comfort in drinking alcohol and smoking. Flirting is also one of her coping mechanisms. She hopes to feel love...
