My tomorrow are all mine

Chapter 1

I don't think some people understand just how hard and energy draining it takes to pull yourself out of a bad mood and bad situation. I have been in a bad situation for five years and I have no energy left. It is easy to fall to a low point in your life, it's hard to build yourself back up from a low point. I have never been in such a low point and time. Well time is not on my side these days. The nights are long, the days are short and I'm always tired. This year has been the worst in my life and The bruises don't disappear as easily as they used to. The tears don't fade to a smile like they did a few years ago. The sorry's and it won't happen again become unheard at this point.

Laying here in bed waiting for the alarm to go off and the day to start becomes a panic attack. I am now used to the pain in my chest because it happens everyday. The pain in my chest matches the pain on my back and face. I can smell the sweat from the fight. I can taste the blood in my mouth from my lip. That class ring can really pack a punch and leave a mark. I wish I could say it was the first time. However I have lost count.

I have my day planned and this can't start until Blake leaves. I know he has a long day today and won't be back until late. Which means I can clean up the mess today and make his dinner and try to get through the night. I so desperately want out of this situation and I can't help the tears that fall from my eyes and to the pillow. I can't let him see me cry or he will try to apologize and want to make up and I so desperately don't want him to touch me.

It would be easy to leave if I had friends or family. I have neither. My parents died years ago and my friends gave up years ago when I wouldn't listen to their pleas to leave him. After the third ER visit I had no one left. Not that I had many to start with. Blake didn't like any of them and made it a point to push them away. After a while I thought it was best too. I was his prisoner before anything and that was my purgatory. I felt I deserved to be there alone until he took it too far and killed me in a fit of rage.

I jump when the alarm goes off. Then I close my eyes acting like I was asleep and wait for him to move. The truth is I don't sleep at night because that could mean he would touch me and force himself on me. I learned a year ago that the best time to sleep is after he left. Only for a few hours and no more than that. I had a lot to do around the house and if it wasn't done the other eye could end up black. His leg moves and then I feel him rise up and sit on the edge of the bed. With a huff and a stretch he stands and walks to the bathroom. I hear him relieve his bladder and then turn the shower on. He isn't in there long. It's only five minutes tops and then walks out naked and slides his clothes on.

" Flo" He says in a low raspy voice. I used to love that voice. I open my eyes acting like I just woke up. " Make sure my house is clean of your mess before I get back. I will be late so you will have time." He puts his baseball cap on and coat. "I mean it when I say don't lip off to me ever again." He points at me like I am his child. " Now I love you. Enjoy your cleaning." He leans over to try to kiss me and I stiffen up. He reads the room well and decides to just leave. Which makes it better. I couldn't help but think just leave, asshole. I am just your prisoner, stuff her in your house, your rules. This is no life. Not one I ever wanted.

When I heard the door close and his truck drive off I was finally able to breathe. I grab the pillow and bury my face into it and scream shedding another tear. I can't believe I have anymore tears left. This isn't sadness though this is mourning. That is what I have been doing mourning my life and dreams. Mourning my relationship I thought was going to be great. Instead I live in a small house in town. That is not mine in any way. However it was my blood that I washed off the ceiling and walls a month ago. It was my sweat that went into the dinners and cleaning. It was my love that went into picking out the furniture and remodeling the kitchen. It was my love that was all over this place. Now all I have is memories and now every good memory is replaced by a bad one.