My tomorrow are all mine

Chapter 12

When I got up Gunner was already gone. I figured he must have gone out with Honey. I can tell he is a bit sad that Honey loves me so much. I get dressed and make some breakfast simple eggs and bacon. AS I was putting them on a plate Gunner opened the door.

" Smells yummy in here. Do I get some?" He asks

" Sure, I'll make you some eggs. Coffee is done already." I say

" Thanks I am going to go wash up quickly." He runs up the stairs. " I have something I want to show you."

" Show me? What is it?" I ask

" Now Darling, what is the fun of a surprise when you give it away?" He asks when he gets to the bottom of the stairs. I like how sweet he is and that he never calls me Florence. Makes me feel like we are old friends. In a way we are but then we also are not. He makes me smile. I find where I tried to never look at Blake. I can't stop looking at him. I make more eye contact with everyone now than I have in years. I mouth the words on the Garth Brooks song playing on the radio. I find that I like the music in the background of everything. It's like having a soundtrack to your life. Plus I was not really allowed to listen to it too much in the house that I feel I want it on all the time. We finish our breakfast and make our way to the barn. He gets on Snowflake and I ride Honey. He goes slow for me and when we get further he picks it up.

We got to the top of the ridge and he stopped. I haven't been out this far yet. Which made me nervous but Gunner calms me when he turns and smiles at me. I can tell he is very excited. He has the excitement of a five year old boy. I catch up to him and stop next to him. It's up high enough that there is no humanity, just nature. Just untouched perfection. He points out the sun coming up.

" No, that is the ideal spot. From here everything is perfection. Being away makes me never want to leave this spot." We stand there a minute and look around standing side by side. " Chickadee, I need to be honest. I know you said that if you didn't get my letter you were content with just being done." He looks to the ranch. " I umm...."

" You can tell me Gunner." I say knowing it must not be easy.

" I um...I -I lost a few friends over there." He reaches back up and takes his hat off. " I was almost gone too."

" Gunner?" I didn't know what he was getting at.

" I lost a few buddies to different situations and one of which I was a part of. I should have been next to him. I wasn't though and when I wrote that letter to Mama it was a cry for help. I was in a funk and I couldn't save them. I could do anything about it. So when I got your letter. It was like a god sent." He scratches his head again. " It was like someone was saying you couldn't save them but save her. Then you wrote me back again and I clung to those letters. I was able to focus on helping you and it helped me get through for a while." He looks at me and smiles but it doesn't fully meet his eyes. " It was like God said here is an angel save her and she will save you in return."

" Gunner..." I don't know what to say.

" I just need you to know you weren't the only one that needed saving and that I want you here. I want you to stay as long as you want. I don't want you to leave until you want to leave. If that is never then so be it."

" I cant stay forever Gunner." I say, knowing I will have to leave someday. "You will fall in love with someone one day and I can't live in your house then. You will want your space back and I might too. Forever is not a promise but I do thank you for first letting me know. Then for letting me stay. I don't think I am leaving anytime soon but I am glad you don't want me to leave."

" True but even then you can stay here. I am sure you might not want to do ranch work for your job but if you want to do something in town I am sure you can find something." He rushes out his words like he is fighting to get his point across. I reach my hand out and touch his arm.

" Gunner, I will tell you first." I say and he relaxes.

" Okay then now that that is settled follow me." he waves his hand.

I follow for a while and then we come to a steam in a field. I see Hazel and Skinner and Henry. I see chairs and blankets. Henry is casting a fishing pole. I get off Honey and Gunner takes the rains from him.

"Catch anything good yet?" Gunner yells to Henry.

" No, just Mama;s finger." Henry yells back. Which makes us both laugh.

" That kid has us wrapped around his little finger too tight. I missed him so much it hurt. I feel like I missed his whole life." He says

" I see that. You have the rest of your life to make it up." I remind him.

" So true" He starts walking to him. " Have a seat if you like. I am going to make up some of that time."

I watch them fish for hours and even fall asleep on the blanket for a few minutes. Hazel joins me and watches in awe of her brother and young son making those core memories they will always think back on and laugh. We don't speak. I have noticed that Hazel isn't much of a talker unless for good reason. I just enjoy being around her. She has a way of comforting without malice. She does as asked and what is needed and moves to the next task. I hope I can be as confident as her. As self-assured as she carries herself.

When we get back home it's time for dinner again. We ate our dinner at the big house which was a few fish Henry caught. We sat on the porch and watched the sun go down. I got my evening talk with Mr. Sir and then Gunner and I walked home together. We drank our coffee and ate our cookies just like the night before. I went to bed earlier than normal and then woke up a few hours later from a nightmare. I walk down stairs and try to stay quiet. I get a glass of water and sit on the counter to drink it. The cool counter kisses the back of my thighs and I try to hold back my panic attack. I replay my nightmare in my head and my breathing catches. I put my hand on my chest and then put the glass down and grip the counter top hard.

" Chickadee?" I hear but my eyes are closed tight and I am trying to control my breathing. I feel warm rough hands on my cheeks holding my face. "Chickadee, it's okay. It's okay. Breath." He wraps his arms around my back and pulls me in. He holds me tight to his chest. " Breath like me, slow, easy. I am right here."

I open my eyes and my hands break free of the counter top. I wrap my arms around his neck and grip tight to his shirt. Sobs pour from me and I expel what was held in my lungs. Breath in nothing but Gunner. He holds me there for a few minutes and when my chest no longer feels like it's being set on fire I release his shirt. I sit back and he takes my hands from his neck and hands them tight together between his. He looks me right in the eyes an inch away. I arch my back and he keeps my hands.

" Are you okay darling?" He whispers

" I think so," I say. He kisses the palms of my hands and then releases them. Then steps back away. Sipping my water I hold my chest again.

"Nightmares are a bitch sometimes. When the panic attacks set in, life gets hard." He tells me. Like he knew the feeling. I nod my head in agreement. " Are you going to be okay?"

" I think so." I place the glass in the sink and jump down. " My second day here. I had one and sitting here and gripping the counter helps."

" I get it. I got them when I first went into the army. I thought I was crazy, felt like a horse kicked you in the chest and stole all the air in the room." He says

"Something like that." I say looking away. " Memories you try to forget get stuck and don't want to escape. I dream of his hands around my neck squeezing tight. I usually wake when he throws me. Usually if I get a drink of water and take a few breaths I am good but the memory sticks. Mainly because it's not a nightmare, it happened, it was real."

He takes a step to me and brushes the hair from my face. I close my eyes and accept his touch. I don't think I could fight it if I didn't expect it. He is much bigger than Blake ever was and Gunner is like a blanket of caring." He is gone. He can't find you here. If you need me I am right here."

" Thank you" I exhale.