Savior -Luffy-

-10-

TW: Mentions of depression, self-harm, grief, and some sexual content

After Hordy was beaten, Neptune threw a banquet for the crew. However, after four jugs of Sake, I drank more than too much. I was wobbling my way back to The Sunny without letting anyone know where I was going. I was pretty sure that Robin could sense the change in my mood when I went quiet. Many of the fishmen and mermen were flirting, not holding back in the slightest. Luffy, however, was ignoring the fact that they were flirting completely. At one point, I got drunk enough to try and make him jealous, a bit bothered that he didn't care. Luffy being Luffy was different than him just being unaware of my presence sometimes. Something about him changed in the last two years. Maybe he realized he didn't love me anymore but didn't know how to tell me. The thought sank my mood immediately and I excused myself from the banquet.

"I hate men," I mutter as I reach the ship. I run my hand over the side of the vessel before climbing onto the top deck and looking at the empty ship. "It's different when you're alone in a crowd of people." I sighed heavily and could feel my throat tighten. I need to get my mind off this sadness that's creeping in. I went to the ladder that led to the training room for Zoro. When I reached the top, I stared at the objects that crowded the room. Off to the side, there was a punching bag of beaten leather and straw that was about due to be changed. I strolled over and threw my jacket off my shoulders while fixing the waistband of my dark purple shorts. My hand hit the hand material repeatedly, each hit I was imagining as my emotions and wanting to knock them out of my system.

However, it wasn't working.

Every hit only made me feel angrier. I was mad. I was upset. Why did I feel like Luffy didn't love me? How dare I think that? Luffy wouldn't tell me something like that if he didn't mean it. He loves me. I frowned and threw another punch. I could feel the burn of the leather on my knuckles finally wearing down my skin. I kept hitting the bag with as much vigor as before. Tears stung my eyes when I thought of the two years I went without him. I cried daily in desperation to return to him. I was willing to die if he did. I was trying my best to enjoy my time with Shanks and the crew, but my heart was never in it those two years. I always had my mind somewhere else.

"Fuck," I mutter when the slice in my knuckles begins to bleed onto the bag and floor. "Zoro's gonna kill me." I rush over to the rag that was lying on the floor by the door next to what seemed like his dirty workout laundry. I wiped the bag off and tucked it under his clothes before sighing and going back down the crow's nest ladder. I made my way to the bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. My back settled against the door as I inspected my knuckles. I frown and shake my head.

"I did it again, Ocean. I got too mad," I whispered to the air, knowing Oceania was no longer within this world. "You would have been so ashamed of me." I let out a shaking breath. Tears clouded my vision and my shaking hand covered my mouth. "I miss you." I let the crying commence shortly after, unable to hold it in anymore. My back slid down the door until my butt hit the floor and I tucked my knees up before settling my head on them. I hugged my shins to keep my thighs pressed against me. I wept into the echo of my body, refusing to let up.

"I'm a horrible girlfriend. I'm a horrible swordswoman. I am a horrible crewmate. I can't do anything. The future I've seen can go wrong at any moment. I can't take it anymore. I want to just die." I cried out loudly. "I was so excited to see Luffy and the crew again, but... I'm not the same as when I was sent to Shanks. I'm still weak, but I lost most of my emotions. I don't smile anymore unless it's to put on a show. I don't get called pretty or beautiful by Luffy anymore-" I stop and look at my scar. "This ugly thing on my side probably ruined that. Maybe he just doesn't love me the way he used to after meeting Boa. Maybe I'm not good enough." I stood up from the floor and waddled to the bed, drunk tears making me feel dizzy.